Edna!

Once upon a time there was a tea-time quiz show.... I forget the name of the show in particular, based on the fact that it was quite a long time ago and my memory does tend to ignore such trivialities (sometimes!).

Anyhoo.....

This particular quiz show shall, in our household at least, be remembered for a particular contestant that appeared on it, and I believe her name was Edna, or Ethel, or Edith or something along those lines (not that I am suggesting in my generalisation that there are similarities in any of those names or the people who possess them, and of course, other girl's names are available)......

Ok, so to recap..... there was a Tea-time TV quiz show (name forgotten) and they had a contestant called (for argument's sake) Edna, and Edna had a strange affliction that rendered her incapable of turning her head to look at the screens and/or quiz show host.  In order that Edna COULD see what was going on she had to turn her whole upper body whilst keeping her neck rigid, and at each turn her shoulders moved with her head..... we found the whole thing quite amusing.

The reason I mention this?

Of course.... in the world of Karma it is said that "My Name is Earl Arctic Fox" - and for the last week, I've had a similar affliction to that of poor, dear, possibly for all I know, departed Edna!

It's not in the slightest bit funny now, is it?

"Question... Which fox now looks like an idiot?

buzz....

"Yes, Arctic Fox for the School of Hard Knocks.... what's the answer?"

The Arctic Fox turns his whole body, stiffly, and painfully sideways, to look down the lens of the camera with a red light on top of it, and looking like a public information film about the effects of whiplash speaks softly to the viewers.....

"Erm..... that'll be me then!"

"Yes, Arctic Fox, you're quite right...... ten points to Gryffindor"

A man....

A man walks into a bar....

And says "Hello, do you need help getting this thing going?"

"Have you any bar experience?" ask the licencees.

"Of course!" replies the man, "I drink in bars all the time!"

Several hours, and several badly poured drinks later, the licensees look at each other and begin to wonder what they've done!

Well, that's a brief summary of my new career as a bar-person!  A complete and utter U-turn in career terms from the world of compu-ting! that I have left...... and a return to work that I did some twenty years ago in order to prop up my meagre YTS (Anyone remember THAT ripoff scheme? - which was the second worst paid work I've ever done - the worst being the canal restoration scheme I did, paying a paltry ten quid a week on top of my dole money!).

So, nothing to get too excited about.....  I'm doing a few hours work.  I actually believe I can make a difference to the pub that have offered me the work, and I am hoping I pick it up as quickly as I know I am capable of doing.

So far the only drawback has been that pulling real ale on a hand-pump that DOESN'T have autovac system attached (meaning you have no margin for error) is "testing" to say the least, and I lie awake at night worrying about wasting beer, serving flat pints or people asking if I can "stick a flake in the top of it".

All I need to do now is to make sure I keep my hours secret from my mum so she doesn't decide to pay a visit!

Perhaps at some point I'll tell a few "character" based tales that this endeavour is easily capable of producing.

Right now, following a day of fishing at Tony Riley's Pond in Brighouse..... I'm suffering......

Picture this.....

I arrived at the pond yesterday morning at about half past seven in the morning..... as soon as I opened the car door, the mosquitoes were everywhere.....  I got all my tackle out of the car, loaded up my trolley and made my way down to where I was going to fish.

By the time I reached John, who was already fishing, he'd already been bitten, and I was going to take no chances.....  I got out my bottle of Autan and liberally applied it..... head, ears, neck, chin, hands, wrists..... everything uncovered, now covered in insect repellant.

So, I start to get my fishing gear set up..... seat, baits, rod rests......  As I put my rod together and start to thread the line through it, I'm crouching down behind my chair resting the rod on the chair back......  another rather sensitive part of my anatomy , where tshirt and jeans no longer meet, becomes dangerously exposed and of course......  

The mosquito bite on my arse is now so large and sore.....  it's actually making me sweat!!

Not a great start...... and over the course of the rest of the day I got a bite on my wrist and now I've had time to assess the damage, I've got nine more bites on my ankles..... I took the precaution of tucking my jeans into my socks, but they've actually bitten THROUGH the socks!!

OUCH!

I have to consider the possibility of finding somewhere easier to fish.

 

Tinker.....

Tinker, tailor, soldier, procrastinator!

My car's broken......  not only is it broken, but the required part is not available until the seventeenth of July, and that's slightly over a month away..... when they said "one month next Sunday", I don't think anybody was laughing.

The particular part that's broken is a spring..... they make the wheels go up and down into the potholes that the council leave for us.

Now this spring is a special spring.....  you can only use a spring manufactured by the original car manufacturer because it's so rare that nobody else would want to make it.  The spring only fits my particular model and only those of that particular model that were made in that particular year!

It's a "one off" and I presume the original car manufacturer are manufacturing the part on that basis..... there is no stock of it.

So, I'm housebound..... which is less painful than it might originally sound in comparison to being egg-bound!

I'm wishing to be fishing!

So, I've spent a little bit of time getting back to my blogger template...... I've resurrected the "music player" featurette and also have paved the way for a future re-release of the ever popular "bowling cam" widget.... so keep your eyes peeled over on the right hand side of my page for when THAT goes live!

The "music player" function is a nice simple affair.... and I've (rather against my usual style) made sure that the player doesn't automatically start, which could result in heart failure for any number of blog visitors who have their sound turned up too high and have yet to be notified.... and it shouldn't piss you off too much because now YOU.... yes YOU....  You sat there in your vest and pants, slobbering your cornflakes all over the keyboard...... can start and stop the music at will...... I will probably change the tune weekly or so, in order to give you a chance to have a listen should you so wish.  If you look on the right hand side under the "bowling cam" there's a little arrow.... if you click that it will play some music.... if you click it again it won't play some music....  even YOU can manage that!

* [edit] - Apologies to those of a nervous disposition for my first choice of "music" - it sums up my dark mood and reminds me that if Armageddon were coming down the road, it would be accompanied by this excellent track..... one of the best gigs I ever went to blah blah blah.....
** [edit] - Cheryl Cole has now replaced my music of choice!  Blame Yorkshire Pudding for that one!

Bowling cam is another matter all together!

I've lost both of my webcams!  As soon as I find one of them, OR as soon as I find a really cheap, nasty, horrible, low quality piece of plastic that purports to be a webcam..... it will be up and running.

To make these little doo-hickeys do what they're intended to do..... I've had to install my own little web server..... so the stuff you'll see is actually coming to you live(ish) and sort of directly from the computer in my bedroom..... and of course if you're not seeing or hearing anything, then I've switched my computer off or my house has burnt down and you should call for a fire brigade or something......

And so, this merely proves that point that..... 

"one man's car part is another man's web server" - (Confucius)

Stretch.

After the long walk I went on yesterday it's been difficult to muster any enthusiasm to do very much at all today.  I even managed a little lie-in until 9:15am which was nice!

At the point where I sat down to watch a little bit of TV and subsequently got cramp in my legs, I decided it was time to go and have a little walk and try to stretch out those aching muscles.

Spent the rest of the day searching for a variety of containers in various locations and am pleased to now state that I've managed to clear the three most troublesome caches that I've encountered in my local area.  All great locations and all quite tricky.

One of them was a tiny magnetic box stashed in a speed limit signpost.... one was a 1 litre tupperware box stashed in and amongst a bunch of rocks at a quarry..... and the final one was a 35mm film canister stuffed inot the base of a tree and covered over with a rock.  Funny old game!

The only "outstanding" item of geocaching activity left on my "to do" list is this bloody trackable item that is attempting to journey around all the cricket grounds..... so far it's only been pictured at Old Trafford and I'd dearly like to get a picture of it outside Headingley, but it hardly seems worth the journey for the small amount of geocaching kudos it might generate.

Anyone going anywhere near Headingley in the not-too-distant future?

On the plus side, I've spotted my first wild garlic flowers and bluebells in the woods today.

Groans.

Well it started like any other day....

My mum texted me to ask me to report a problem with her landline phone. I sarcastically reply to ask why, if her mobile phone is working, she doesn't report her own phone being out of order!! It takes a further ten minutes and a phone call to actually explain the error of her ways!!

I got out of bed, and assembled the last piece of the job application jigsaw puzzle and headed out to the post office. Job done, the application is now in the postal system, and I must keep my fingers crossed that:

a) It doesn't get lost in the post.
b) The effort I have put into it will at least reap an interview.

I choked at the fact that I forgot to scan the documents in before I posted them all off.... A silly mistake, but one I will hopefully not come to regret!!

I came home, had beans on toast and a lovely baked apple for my lunch.

Went out for a pleasant post-luncheon stroll.... noticing how out of shape I have managed to become since the hardcore hiking of last summer..... Winter and plantar fasciitis have a lot to answer for. My heel is still very painful and gets tired very easily, but it's not so bad over the shorter walks that I manage these days.

Played some Nintendo, nodded in and out of sleep, watched a little TV.

Assembled a rustic tea-time snack of crusty bread, pasta salad and houmous. Delicious..... until.... I actually heard the gristly crunch as I bit down on the side of my tongue.

Gaaaaak!!

Spitting blood and garlic infused chickpeas, and stuffing my mouth with cotton wool.....

Ten minutes later, it's stopped bleeding, but the lump that's emerged, just underneath and directly at the side of my tongue is making life very uncomfortable. Bonjela, Anbesol and clove oil have all been applied, but I am still like a lolling, drooling, dribbling, panting dog.

Dammmit.l

Research.

As part of my "ongoing" gift-wish-list project, I am refining and adding items at a steady rate. The problem I now have, is that each item I add requires so much research.....

Take for instance......

There are a bunch of camera accessories that go neatly with my new camera. Half of them haven't, as of yet, made it anywhere near the shops except in Japan. The ones that I can find on the internet (knowing fully that they won't be stocked in any high street stores for a long time after they appear all over the internet) are so badly listed (i.e. ambiguously, they may or may not be the correct item) and are so bloody overpriced that I feel forced to spend endless hours over-monitoring the situation, so that I may notice when they finally land at a reasonable and affordable price.

And so...... What do I find as some sort of conclusion?

Lens LC55 = £69
Lens LC55 = £29 (If you live in America)

Lens LT55 = £160
Lens LT55 = £83 (if you live in America)

Battery S006a = £45
Battery S006a = £19 (If you live in America)

And so it goes on....... Most frustrating.

What annoys me most about the findings above, is that I am loathed to add these items to my "most wanted" list on the basis that I know that the items could be bought cheaper by someone resident in the US of A than anyone else. I feel like I might be doing any potential benefactors out of pocket somehow. On that basis, I feel I am possibly missing out.

The other piece of research I've been doing concerns my ever painful heel..... Joking apart, we all know it's as well to Google your own illness than it is to hang around in a doctor's waiting room with lots of poorly people and for the GP to Google it on your behalf. I Google.....

It transpires, I think I may well be suffering from plantar fasciitis. It sounds about right, and also sounds pretty bloody annoyingly tricky to deal with. Still not sure whether to go to the doc's armed with this information or not?

Guilty.

Of course, I am guilty as charged. I'm a brat, an ingrate, a miserable, moaning, grumpy, son of a mum.

I knew that my blog yesterday would rain fire upon my own head. I knew that there would not be a single person who would share my frustration. I knew everyone would, in fact, side squarely with my mum over my conduct and lack of enthusiasm at connecting across the water, but this is my blog, and of course, you're going to get my view. It was more important to get the rant "off my chest" than to actually "diss" my mum as the Pudding of Yorkshire would have us believe.

Straws and camels backs make for easy blogging.

Take for instance, the chav with a two bit pimped up ride that insists on waiting for me to get in my car so he can steal my parking space. He rubs salt into the wounds by parking across two spaces, so there is neither space in front, nor behind for another vehicle. I wish painful illness upon him. I feel better for just writing it down!!

Of course I love my mum..... what self respecting Yorkshire born skinhead wouldn't? We've been through a lot together... endless spit washes.... mutually reciprocal hospital visits (is that an oxymoron, or am I just a moron?)... Grazed knees... And unlimited sick buckets of both illness and self inflicted poisoning varieties... And of course, in return, my mum has done quite a bit for me too..... I jest of course!!

As a friend of mine once said... "When I get home I am going to rip my mother's knickers off...." and I can only imagine the stunned silence echoing around my blog is not dissimilar to that which fell upon the scene at that time. I think someone screamed before he continued... "This elastic's killing me!!".

I will leave you with that thought on day twenty two.

Fifteen.

It is a brief update for today. I'm not wearing any!!

I jest of course....

Fifteen is a fascinating number and commonly refers to those little sliding puzzle things..... you know...... Like this one!

I've got a lot of pain in my right hand wrist, and my right leg heel. I am starting to think that there is some element of nerve damage going on, but I know a trip to the doctor will yield nothing more than a cursory examination followed by a prescription for which I could buy the same product over the counter at a much more reasonable price. I am simply going to rest them both for a few days and see if there is any change...... What a pain!! Literally. It does of course mean, I get to sit on my arse all day watching films with no real guilty conscience.

Cats: Well behaved today.
Chickens: No further losses to report.
I'm a celebrity: Really dreadfu.... BANG!....... uhhhhh.

Just take five.

I am feeling relaxed today. Despite waking up with a banging headache and no internet connection.... some things are going my way.

First: Spice, yes your suggestion of "Chicken Rhythm" was duly noted and fulfilled. You know what? I like it!! Let's not think this means I am now playing requests though!! You've all got your own bloody blogs to fill with nonsense!! Hope everyone enjoys the new tune and spares a thought for me while I am "mucking out" this week!!

Second: Part of the reason behind today's headache was a few pints at the Barge and Barrel in Elland last evening. I think the "Bargee" was not quite up to scratch and may account for the thick head. What I did taste there, however, was something that launched me into beery heaven. Black Bee - A honey porter. I have recently discovered that (as a life long devotee of Chestnut Mild) I like mild and I like Guinness.... imagine my surprise to find a drink that falls inbetween the two.... and then to find a very nice honey brewed version of said drink..... paradise!!

Third: I am taking Dawn out tonight for a meal. She has been working really hard lately, and we don't always get the time together that she deserves... especially since I am confined to the chicken coop m0st nights..... It's not so much that I can't go out, as much as how bad I would feel if anything happened when I WAS out. We are going for noodles to Leeds... to Fuji Hiro.... one of our all time favourites.

Fourth: The bowling club at the back of my house has finally erected a smoking shelter!!!! It has been a constant source of disgruntlement to me, but amusing to webcam viewers, that the smokers congregate outside the door of the club, just outside my bedroom window. It gets quite noisy with the window open at night. Well, if you've been glued to "bowling cam" today, you'd have seen them putting up a smoking shelter at the other side of the club. Hooray!! It also means that anyone wishing to go to the club, will now (hopefully) no longer have to walk through a group of smokers blowing their wares in your face! I sound like a sanctimonious ex-smoker already!!

Fifth: It's a beeee-yooo-teeeee-ful day!! I've been "twitching" in the garden at Pole Moor. Not as a side effect of copious amounts of real-ale, and subsequent lack of it..... but in the fashion of bird-watching. There's some lovely birds out there. A similar bunch to the ones I get at home, but with a few differences...... Out there: Regular visits by pairs of blackbirds. The kestrel is never far away and is a delightful sight hovering over the fields. Thrushes.... I've seen quite a few of them, and it's not uncommon to see two or three chasing each other round the vegetable patches - Not sure if they are song or mistle. Wren, the little wren, my favourite bird.

Five and a halfth: I know this was supposed to be a Saturday Sample blog, but I forgot!! I thought it was Friday!! I've been Pole Moored!!

Annoyed.

I am managing to annoy myself with a choice of blogging topics. I have started today's entry several times, and have been dissatisfied with each and every effort thus far. Too many small items to discuss makes for a very messy and protracted piece of disjointed garbage. What can I do?

Do you want to hear about the lovely beers I managed to drink at the Barge and Barrel beer festival, or about the dark mild at the Star in Lockwood, or even the Moorhouse's Black Cat at the Nook in Holmfirth?

How about a little piece about my walk around Holmfirth? A taste of Summer Wine country, guided as always by an Ordnance Survey map, and the ever flawed AA 50 Walks in West Yorkshire book. When they say turn right, they mean left. When they say one hundred yards, they may mean twenty, they may mean four hundred. It's a guessing game.

How about the muscle I've pulled in my stomach? My damaged achilles tendon? The problems I am having with my hand, wrist and forearm? The blotchy dry skin patches.... Vitamins, creams, potions, lotions.....

Conker fighting? Clackers?

After spending a year with no source of income, I am starting to worry about spending all of my money. So, with a small wince and a great deal of trepidation, I have finally managed to make it through the checkout procedure on a website, to purchase..... wait for it..... a new camera!! I blame Kenny for this irrational purchase... His talk and enjoyment of consumerism has driven me to the point of coveting my neighbour's white goods!!

So here it is... in all its glory.... my new camera.... coming to a blog near you soon. I am SO looking forward to getting my hands on it.

Inspired by my rash purchase, last evening, it was much easier to jump out of bed this morning when I spied a golden sunrise. Armed with my camera, and wearing a Tshirt, at seven thirty in the A of the M, standing atop Scapegoat Hill, shivering and freezing, I managed to pull of this masterstroke! I dedicate this to Spice The Cat, for his tireless, inspirational, motivational comments and efforts (they used to call it nagging!).

Enjoy!

Walking.....

Went out last night to Leeds, to our favourite, Fuji Hiro noodle bar. A simple, tasty, speedy dish of noodles and some delectable dumplings. A couple of beers and some plum wine. Forty minutes, fifteen quid each, can't go wrong. We love it there.

A shame the movie that we watched at home afterwards was not a match for the quality of the meal. Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Beginning. I know, I shouldn't expect too much, but it was really effing dreadful. I mean REALLY effing dreadful. The point where this kid with a broken ankle and broken back goes running through the woods.... well I should have switched off a lot sooner than him getting either of the aforementioned injuries..... I watched it all and wished I hadn't.

Today we went on “A colourful circuit of Norland Moor.”

I’m not going to bore you with the details of a lovely walk, during which we got lost once, and took approximately one photograph. If I can’t be bothered to photograph it, then I sure as hell can’t be bothered to describe something that you can read about in “50 Walks in West Yorkshire” – ISBN 0-7495-2877-x pages 71 to 73 inclusive.

What I will say about it is:

1) It was confusing in one point (resulting in us missing a path) where we managed to add an extra mile onto the trip.
2) Very enjoyable, but quite hard on the feet. Millstone grit and rocky sandy paths for the most part, demanding high levels of concentration.
3) Very wild part of England!! Hot today, but I can imagine it being very inhospitable with the slightest touch of weather.
4) If you rely on the guidebook, then the Moorcock Inn is closed down, and beware at section 2, where the writer had consumed acid or something, and got it all a bit wrong.


I managed to lose my Ray Ban sunglasses (£120) about halfway round, when we stopped to consult the maps, when things went a little freestyle. As I sat with my compass, I left the sunglasses on a grass verge at the side of the road. I didn't notice till I got home.

Dawn drove me back to the very spot where I had sat reading maps, and lo and behold, there in the grass at the side of the road, were my glasses, some two hour and a half hours after I left them. Brilliant. I am so pleased to have them back.


My Achilles tendons are aching now, and the balls of my feet are feeling depressed!!

If you've never visited my "Random Shopping" blog, then today you're in for a treat.... it's madness I tells ya.... madness!!!!!!!

Stir crazy.

They say that the first step toward recovery, is admitting that you've got a problem.

My Sims2 confessional has perhaps triggered some sort of turnaround.

Last night, I had two strange dreams. The first dream was about the late, great, Tommy Cooper, and how I had somehow managed to get hold of this really brilliant joke of his, and actually improved upon it. I woke myself up laughing, but alas could not remember the joke, nor the cunning revision of it.

The second dream was a bit more odd.

I once spent a few weeks in France, and by the end of it was actually dreaming in French. I guess that's significant, as last night I dreamt in Simspeak!! It's a nonsensical language, and to wake oneself up by speaking "in tongues" is decidedly unsavoury.

I went for a twenty mile bike ride today instead!! I only fell off four times. My back aches, my head aches, my legs ache, my stomach aches, and of course..... the old derriere, it goes without saying!!

Believe it or not, I found a feature on my phone that lets me take three pictures, and then the phone turns them into a panorama... my first effort is here!



Update: This is not Black Moss Reservoir. This is the feeder reservoir above Scammonden Dam - the one that the M62 is built on. This is Deanhead Reservoir. Black moss is four miles due south of here!!

Spice: Who the hell is Who Flung Dung?

Re: Phone's ability to produce a panorama - I can spot a couple of glaring errors!!

I've been.....

.... up a tree.

If ever there was conclusive proof that a gentleman of a certain age should not be climbing trees anymore, then I think I have it.

A day of tree surgery (for surgery, read butchery) has left me with little cuts, scratches, twinges, aches and pains all over.

Wielding long handled loppers and a variety of saws whilst clinging onto the branches of an ash tree, some twenty to thirty feet off the ground, isn't really what a man of my gentle persuasion should be doing. I think I am more of a tree hugger than a tree surgeon.

Cue drifty dream sequence..... Scalpel..... swab...... chainsaw...... Ellen, can you tidy up here please?.... Doctor, the cherry tree is flatlining..... stand clear...... Bzzzzzz

Today is earmarked for more of the same.

In all honesty, this bout of activity is not self motivated. The impetus comes from a pair of my mum's friends. They are so "get up and go" that it puts my "lie down and think about it for six months" attitude somewhat to shame.

Perhaps I can talk everyone into playing bowling on the Nintendo today instead of hacking more trees down? I live in hope.

RIP Tony Wilson (1950 - 2007) - Son of "Madchester" and father of the Hacienda.

I've been.....

.... in pain.

I am resigned to hobbling around the house like some deranged Hobbit who has been forced to walk along a fire pit of glowing embers. The sound of my mantra fills the air. Cool wet grass, cool wet grass, cool wet grass...... this could go on for quite some time.

For your enjoyment, I am including a blister inventory:

Left foot:

* 1 blister covering the entire end of my second toe (I am presuming we all agree that the second toe is the one next to the big one?).

* 1 blister on the sole of the foot, directly at the base of the second, third, fourth and fifth little piggies, measuring 50mm X 25mm (thus far, I have "emptied" this blister twice with the aid of safety pin, staples, and paper clips).

Right foot:

* 1 blister covering the entire end of my second toe.

* 1 blister covering the entire end of my third toe.

* 1 blister on the sole of my foot, directly behind the third toe.

* 1 blister on the sole of the heel.

All the above results in me having great trouble in wearing socks or shoes. Even the pressure from a pair of slippers has been too much to bear today, and that's before I even TRY to stand up!!!!!

owah........tarnar........siam!!

Concerned relatives and loved ones have been round to communicate their support. They are reduced to shouting encouragement through my letterbox, as I am too feeble to make the journey down two flights of stairs to answer the door. At one point, a concerned neighbour posted me a loaf of bread (a slice at a time) through the letterbox so I would not starve.

I feel the need to commemorate this moment in haiku.... I can hear the collective groan at the Vogonesque efforts I issue.

If I could still walk
I would throw them in the bin;
inadequate shoes.

I've been..........

...... very stupid.

Woke up this morning, my dog was dead...... No, wait that's a Nazareth song or something. Let me try again.

Woke up this morning, and the sunshine was streaming in through the windows. Glorious blue sky and a slight nip in the air, but one of those days you just knew was going to warm up.

By half past nine I was cycling up the road. A really great ride of about thirteen miles followed by a creatine and HMB based chocolate flavour muscle recovery bar. Exhilarating.

Early this afternoon I decided to have a stroll up to mum's house, and to sit in the garden there and read my book. The sun was high now, and it was indeed a scorcher. I put on my flip flops, a big floppy pink shirt and my cowboy hat. I picked up my walking staff, and set off.

Flip flops for a mile and a half?? What the hell was I thinking? About a half a mile into the journey, the first blisters broke forth. By the time I reached mum's house I could no longer walk, and had the biggest blisters I have ever seen/had.

Feet of fire or feat of stupidity?

I sat and read my book a while and mum gave me a lift home.

Now I am stranded, crippled and very miserable. I can't even put my feet on the floor.

Repeat after me.......

owah..... tarnar......siam!!

Bugger it.

I am getting myself sucked into a Big Brother blog, and also into a war of semantics on behalf of a broadcasting company.

There's no easy way out of this for me now.....

I pull the Big Brother covers over my head and hope it goes away.

I am not too well today.

Approximately seven AM and a Nokia tune is clawing at my eyelids. Regardless, my optics remain firmly shuttered.

I can only imagine that the snooze button was engaged before my medulla oblongata was grabbed by a vibrating phone beneath the pillow.

Still, my eyes remain fettered.

Drifting in through an open window, a delirious cacophony of sparrows, blackbirds, wood pigeons, and starlings.

Sensations begin to arrive.

Tightness in my chest. Stomach churning. Internal organs jarring. Limbs aching.

Perhaps it's flu?

Worse still.... it could be man flu??

I roll out of bed and groan and growl as my eyes finally open.

Lemsip - It actually tastes nice, so I must be poorly.

Spent the day rolling about my lounge, wrapped in a quilt which has now seemingly separated itself into the four corners of the quilt cover.

I'm grumpy and miserable...... Nothing new then.

Well.....

It just goes to show, the inequalities of life.

I have been officially missing since nine AM on Thursday, until now. That's three whole days, and nobody has even tried to phone me to see if I was alright, or whether my parents had enjoyed their Tapas!!

In truth, one friend did phone me, but it wasn't to see if I was alright, it was to see if I wanted to go round to his house to play fishing on the Nintendo Wii (pronounced, not like the Geordie hello - why aye!, but like the noise a small child makes when urinating - wee!).

Did I want to play video games? Does Margaret Thatcher have swastikas tattooed on each buttock? But of course!!

I am now suffering from Wii shoulder, which doesn't of course mean one of my shoulders has reduced in size, to the extent that it causes discomfort. Wii shoulder is more akin to tennis elbow, but slightly higher, roughly in the shoulder department as opposed to the elbow department.

I think everyone who has ever touched a Wii, has at some point received some form of injury, no matter how trivial.

My shoulder just feels like I have been shaking my arm wildly about, like trying to swat giant virtual flies, which is of course the control mechanism of said console.

Anyway, the fishing was good.

I have a strange fetish for fishing games. I loves em.

In other news.....

For Toad, today is Sunday, and for me, that means I am hoping it's also a day of sun.

Random commenter - Fishing through backdated blog postings at random and commenting. You make me feel warm all down my legs. I specifically enjoy comments like: "a post without a comment is a lonely thing".

Sir Pudding of Yorkshire - The very second I read your comment, I had a sickly feeling that we'd missed a fantastic opportunity to sell them rubber wristbands on eBay. There don't appear to be any on there, and apparently a green and yellow one would make us more money.

Sunday blogs don't come any cheaper, or less read than right here on blogger.

Ouch.

I love "shop banter".

It's a term I think I invented, and it relates to those brief over-the-counter encounters we all have with shop staff.

The best types of shop banter are usually to be found in smaller shops, which I imagine are staffed by someone you might consider to be the owner. Perhaps a newsagent or a fishmonger or even a hardware store?

I am desperately racking my tiny brain to remember where I had this poignant piece of shop banter.....

Time passes....

Cogs whirr......

Kettle goes on...... Coffee is made......

Cue cutaway scene of sun rising and setting and moon (all speeded up to signify the passing of weeks) replacing it, repeating over and over again like at the end of Evil Dead Three - Medieval Dead - Army of Darkness.

Bingo.....

Fox brushes the cobwebs from the keyboard and resumes typing......

Janet Green Photographic in Halifax - Obviously not the place to be buying photographic memories, is it now!!!!

I was looking at cameras in the week that I gave up smoking. It all kind of ties in nicely now.... in fact it all ties together so much better than when I actually started writing this blog.

Ok, so I stopped smoking, and I am telling this guy in the camera shop that the money I save is going towards a new camera. He tells me he used to smoke, and that he stopped, and now he always gets a sore throat.

So, how apt, that on my eight week anniversary of not smoking a cigarette, I've developed a sore throat, and was reminded of his comment, but couldn't remember who had told me.

I look in the medicine cupboard for something to ease the discomfort of having a cheese grater rammed sideways down my oesophagus. Strepsils.... Medicine for sore throats, or so they tell me.

I go the whole hog and take two. Not that I am greedy you understand, but all medicines in my experience are better doubled at the start.

Nonchalantly flipping the packet over..... Expires July 2005!!

Bugger.

Grazed?

Ok, so a combination of walking boots, a steep grass banking, a dead tree at the bottom of the banking, denim jeans, an over zealous 38 year old non-smoker with the brain patterns of a ten year old, and legs that don't keep up with the brain.....

Put them together and what do you get?

Cracked ribs, grass stains, grazed forearms, torn muscles, and a reasonable amount of laughter at one's own expense.

I look like a self harm victim that's bitten off a bit more than I ought to.

I can't remember the last time I got a "graze". I certainly can't remember the last time I had a grazed nipple!!

I am dosed up on germoline and nicotine lozenges, and my rock bone's even more busted than ever!!

In order to clear up any confusion over where your rock bone might be.... I would suggest it's somewhere between your shoulder and your collar bone on your "strumming" side!! Overuse of a "whammy bar" or trembalo arm, if you prefer, might cause severe shattering of said rock bone, to the point that one can no longer rock, but must sit in one's grandparents rocking chair drooling like Ozzy Osbourne's dealer.

One thing I have learnt today.... well I've learnt more than one, but I won't bore you with a ream of facts about running down slopes in walking boots..... so, one thing I have learnt, is that if you do suffer a nasty graze..... try to wash it in COLD water... not hot!!

Ouch!

Firstly, happy birthday to my sister!!

Secondly, unhappy backday to me!!

Woke up this morning, and couldn't even move. Not good. Day off work sick as a result. As the day's gone on, the back has of course eased up. Let's see if it still feels ok in the morning. Baths help a lot, but only while I am in them. I hardly got ANY sleep at all last night, because every time I turned over, the pain woke me up.

I need to tackle my mountain of paperwork, and my mountain of outstanding Pogo badges!!

Why is there never enough time to do the mundane things that need doing, which would free up some quality leisure time?? I guess this is why they call it the rat-race!!

Oh, and in other news, I finally lost my ring for good - you may remember I lost it temporarily last week, but it turned up again. This time it ain't coming back. I lost it in the end of a giant water chute, in seven feet of murky sticking plaster infested chlorine.

Bugger!!