Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Mousetrap.

I am turning into a hunter gatherer.... my inner animal is being released.

Maybe I should have fought for custody of the cats after all!!

Ok, I am going to avoid all the problems associated with adding a mouse tally to each day and create a dedicated mouse post.

Mouse number 1: He likes drinking Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. (21 Aug 2007)


Mouse number 2: Once played bridge with Omar Sharif. (22 Aug 2007)


Shrew number 3: Had a number one single in 1984 called "Bing Bamma Boom Boom" (31 Aug 2007)


Mouse number 4: A late night chocolate fetish that we all knew would end in tears, actually gave this mouse a fatal nosebleed. It's been a while since my last confirmed kill, so when this bugger ran across the kitchen floor in front of me, I declared chocolate spread war.(3rd Oct 2007)


Mouse number 5: He dreams of sipping Cuba Libres on a far flung desert island shore, and once played in goals for Scunthorpe United. (11th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 6: His cousin, a badger, once pissed on an electric fence to see if it would give his balls an electric shock. The badger is dead now. (16th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 7: Despite what looks like blood all over the mousetrap, we can confirm on closer inspection, it is merely the remnants of several portions of chocolate spread. Just ask this mouse if you don't believe me. (17th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 8: OMG - I was getting quite comfortable with the constant battering of mice. Until now, each and every kill had been quick and clean, with a snap across the back of the neck. This one looked a bit more painful. It made me feel sick thinking about it. Hope it was quick!! The biggest mouse I caught so far. (28th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 9: He gave himself away by virtue of the fact that I am hardly ever at home. I had trodden on the mousetrap and set it off, but the bait still went missing!! Silly mouse!! He's dead now though and I'm not... who's laughing now?? Muhahahahah!! (20th November 2007)


Mouse number 10: What better way to enter double figures than with a bleeder?? Poor beggar, although it looked like instant death from above, I had to move the trap to take this picture. The floor was a pool of blood where his front legs were smashed to pieces!! Ouch!! (21st November 2007)


Mouse number 11: Once went on a "round the world" cruise holiday, where he dined with the stars of the Carry-On movies (24th Nov 2007).


Mouse number 12: He's a fat one, but fast. He tried to eat and run, but Lucifer denied him the opportunity. Eats, shoots and splats!! (26th Nov 2007)


Mouse number 13: Too messy to photograph. A very untidy kill, and one that had to be finished manually!! Unlucky for some!! (3rd Dec 2007)

Mouse number 14: Quick and clean. I'm back on track. Bloodless, straight, old fashioned kill. pleasant return to Luciferian form. (9th Dec 2007)


Mouse number 15: Once had a French pen pal, called Jean Francoise, but they fell out when Jean Francoise insisted on sending numerous pictures of Charles De Gaulle with the legs of a ram grafted on, from his mobile phone. (14th Jan 2008)


Mouse number 16: Following a game of Perudo, this little chap was on his way home when.... well, that'll teach him to drink so much!! (29th Jan 2008)


Mouse number 17: Once this fella was the booking agent for Ken Dodd and the Diddy Men of Knotty Ash. Following Ken's tax evasion exploits, the two friends split, and the mouse was last seen trying to press gang Timeteam's Tony Robinson into making another series of Fat Tulip's Garden. (2nd Feb 2008)


Mouse number 18: One minute we were eating tapas, and having a good laugh at the plight of teenage binge drinkers, when he suddenly and unexpectedly had one sip of wine too many and went straight for the chocolate spread!! "Oh, Monty!!" I cried as his ears felt Lucifer's full force!! alas I fear he did not hear me. (16th Feb 2008)


Mouse number 19: Mustapha Mouse, once sailed single handedly around Black Moss Reservoir in search of hedgehog that could recite the complete works of Edward Lear whilst riding a unicycle. Suffice to say, his search was, like a sponge cake, rather fruitless!! (31st Mar 2008)


Mouse number 20: After taking part in the BBC sitcom "Oops where's my trousers?" alongside June Whitfield, this mouse's ambitions were fulfilled, and there was little left but to throw himself to the mercy of Lucifer the French mousetrap! (10th Apr 2008)

5 comments:

  1. It's awful - boasting about your cruel killing spree! I will be straight on to the RSPCA! How'd you like it if some big giant fellow laid a trap for you and baited it with haddock and chips and a mug of tea? Suddenly - Wham! Smack! A big metal bar crunches down on you and your little legs are pedalling aimlessly in thin air! Join S.O.M.!
    (Save Our Mice)

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  2. Why have you sewn sequins onto the eyes of the rats ..... SICKO?! That's just adding insult to (mortal) injury :-(

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  3. Just discovered this. Uagh, and ... great! I caught one by the nose once. Unfortunately I was home and it screamed so hard I had to let it go. I caught it again later. Nyah-ha-ha.

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    1. I don't LIKE to kill them but I also don't want them in my kitchen..... since then I've acquired two cats so I don't set the traps any more, but it was a good run while it lasted!!

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