crunch

Back to school.

I've been sent back to school to study the finer points of running a pub.

It just so happens that the landlord/lady who runs the pub where I have achieved some form of employment, has been awarded a free place on a training course courtesy of the pub company from whom they rent their pub, and "tig, you're it!" or should that be "I'M it"?

So there's a pub which seems to think it's in Morley which is really more like in Dewsbury, and for the next five days I'm trying to explain to a guy who only understands "swot analyses" and the "5 P's of marketing" that his theoretical marketing and promotional strategies hold very little water when you're confronted with five guys in banana costumes who are on the "ale trail".

It doesn't take me very long to come to the conclusion that life would be much simpler if I kept my mouth shut.

On the plus side, the landlady/lord do keep stressing to me that they do eventually want me to manage their pub for them when they step slightly to the side in September or thereabouts.

It could, as George Formby predicted, all turn out nice again.

Employment Law tomorrow - hooray!

Excuses.

This blog entry is just an excuse for me to imitate Ron Jeremy and to blow my own trumpet a little. But then if I can't blow my own trumpet on my own blog, I'd like to know where else I might go to do it.

I've been on a "digital photography for beginners" course at Oakwell Hall near Birstall.

Now, based on the fact that I provide a digital photograph on my blog almost every day..... you might be wondering why I am going to a beginners class.... I must admit, I asked myself the same question.

It;s difficult sometimes to judge your own level of something. Alright, so I know I take lots of pictures, and I know that ninety nine percent of them never see the light of day, but it's all guesswork..... Sometimes it works for me and sometimes it doesn't.

Time to get back to basics.

Glad I went actually..... It's been a good day..... I think I've gained a little knowledge and a little confidence out of it....

The proof of the pudding, is of course, in the eating, and the photos I've taken today have actually been slightly better than my usual bunch.

A good source of inspiration.



Now, everyone today took photos of the snowdrops. I took snowdrop photos too. The course instructor admitted that he thought mine were the best ones.... and so, I give to you.... some blossom in a tree.... I don't even know what sort of blossom it is.... nice bokkeh though. I've booked on the next course that takes us a bit further into manual camera settings.

Peril.

The perils of pressing shift-delete.

For those of you that don't already know, you can avoid your files making their final shuffle into the Recycle Bin by holding down the shift key while you press the delete key. This deletes the files instantly, thus bypassing the security net of the bin.

For those that don't know, I've spent 310 hours playing Pokemon Diamond (since October 18th to this morning). It's been a real labour of love and my creatures were just starting to really like me... I mean REALLY like me!!

For those that don't know - I am a complete idiot and accidentally shift-deleted both the Pokemon game and my progress save file.

D'OH!

Groggy.

A groggy Sunday, in a state of alcohol recovery.

Neither "self scanning" my own supermarket shopping at Tescos nor watching Bear Grylls (Born Survivor) drinking his own piss out of a rattlesnake skin have actually made me feel much better.

Brain swelling and puffy, tired eyes.

Effervescent vitamin tablets - extra B vitamins!!

Toad-in-the-hole with broccoli, mashed carrots and swede, new potatoes, savoy cabbage and lashings of gravy has more or less saved my life today.



Beaumaris, Anglesey - Portrait of a gull. Ironically, Beaumaris is a very picturesque place - so of course one of the best pictures I took there didn't actually feature any single view of the town itself - could have been anywhere!! Still, it's a nice picture (in my humble opinion).

Best foot forward.

I've been walking... A LOT. Aged forty, with middle age spread (which is presumably beer inflicted) making its presence well and truly known, I am trying to be a little bit more active inbetween the pint glass raising sessions. I've lost count of the number of walks that I have done recently, but if you'll bear with me while I post a few pictures from some of them, then we can recall some of my footsteps together.



Grid reference SE 00565 10990 - A brief moment of elation and enjoyment, sadly punctuated a few minutes later by me missing the right hand fork in the track, ending up on the Oldham Way (instead of the Pennine Way), taking a "shortcut" across some open moorland, and inevitably, and ever so predictably, falling thigh deep into a bog!! The final six miles of this 14 mile walk were completed with my stinking, muddy trousers stuck to my legs and a severe amount of chafing!!

Walking.....

Went out last night to Leeds, to our favourite, Fuji Hiro noodle bar. A simple, tasty, speedy dish of noodles and some delectable dumplings. A couple of beers and some plum wine. Forty minutes, fifteen quid each, can't go wrong. We love it there.

A shame the movie that we watched at home afterwards was not a match for the quality of the meal. Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Beginning. I know, I shouldn't expect too much, but it was really effing dreadful. I mean REALLY effing dreadful. The point where this kid with a broken ankle and broken back goes running through the woods.... well I should have switched off a lot sooner than him getting either of the aforementioned injuries..... I watched it all and wished I hadn't.

Today we went on “A colourful circuit of Norland Moor.”

I’m not going to bore you with the details of a lovely walk, during which we got lost once, and took approximately one photograph. If I can’t be bothered to photograph it, then I sure as hell can’t be bothered to describe something that you can read about in “50 Walks in West Yorkshire” – ISBN 0-7495-2877-x pages 71 to 73 inclusive.

What I will say about it is:

1) It was confusing in one point (resulting in us missing a path) where we managed to add an extra mile onto the trip.
2) Very enjoyable, but quite hard on the feet. Millstone grit and rocky sandy paths for the most part, demanding high levels of concentration.
3) Very wild part of England!! Hot today, but I can imagine it being very inhospitable with the slightest touch of weather.
4) If you rely on the guidebook, then the Moorcock Inn is closed down, and beware at section 2, where the writer had consumed acid or something, and got it all a bit wrong.


I managed to lose my Ray Ban sunglasses (£120) about halfway round, when we stopped to consult the maps, when things went a little freestyle. As I sat with my compass, I left the sunglasses on a grass verge at the side of the road. I didn't notice till I got home.

Dawn drove me back to the very spot where I had sat reading maps, and lo and behold, there in the grass at the side of the road, were my glasses, some two hour and a half hours after I left them. Brilliant. I am so pleased to have them back.


My Achilles tendons are aching now, and the balls of my feet are feeling depressed!!

If you've never visited my "Random Shopping" blog, then today you're in for a treat.... it's madness I tells ya.... madness!!!!!!!

I've been.....

.... in pain.

I am resigned to hobbling around the house like some deranged Hobbit who has been forced to walk along a fire pit of glowing embers. The sound of my mantra fills the air. Cool wet grass, cool wet grass, cool wet grass...... this could go on for quite some time.

For your enjoyment, I am including a blister inventory:

Left foot:

* 1 blister covering the entire end of my second toe (I am presuming we all agree that the second toe is the one next to the big one?).

* 1 blister on the sole of the foot, directly at the base of the second, third, fourth and fifth little piggies, measuring 50mm X 25mm (thus far, I have "emptied" this blister twice with the aid of safety pin, staples, and paper clips).

Right foot:

* 1 blister covering the entire end of my second toe.

* 1 blister covering the entire end of my third toe.

* 1 blister on the sole of my foot, directly behind the third toe.

* 1 blister on the sole of the heel.

All the above results in me having great trouble in wearing socks or shoes. Even the pressure from a pair of slippers has been too much to bear today, and that's before I even TRY to stand up!!!!!

owah........tarnar........siam!!

Concerned relatives and loved ones have been round to communicate their support. They are reduced to shouting encouragement through my letterbox, as I am too feeble to make the journey down two flights of stairs to answer the door. At one point, a concerned neighbour posted me a loaf of bread (a slice at a time) through the letterbox so I would not starve.

I feel the need to commemorate this moment in haiku.... I can hear the collective groan at the Vogonesque efforts I issue.

If I could still walk
I would throw them in the bin;
inadequate shoes.

They saw me coming.

Gripped, as I am, with snooker fever, during the 2007 world championship, and constantly on the search for a suitable console equivalent of the omnipotent PC based Virtual Pool series of games, I plumped for a copy of International Snooker Championship for the PS2.

Excitedly, I tore myself away from watching the snooker on the TV and plugged in the PS2 and loaded the game.

Arctic Fox wins the toss and decides to break.

It's a good break. The cue ball travels down the table, and makes contact with the pack of reds. A couple of red balls move marginally, and the cue ball travels round the angles and returns to the balk line. Not perfect, but you'd settle for it.

Up steps Johnny "Elvis" Cage, my computer opponent......

117 points later, and with just the black ball left on the table, Johnny finally misses, and rubs salt into my wounds.

I say, to nobody in particular "What kind of a fekking game is this?". I switch it off and put the TV back on.

On reflection, I guess only a fool would take a computer on at any sport..... Just like it would take an extra special sort of dick to play at an online casino..... But that's another story!!

Rol: Thanks for pointing out my broken link - Seems sometimes when I tag the target="_blank" on the end of the link, it sometimes screws it up..... the tag launches the link in a new window so you don't end up navigating away from my blog. It's fixed now.

For those that missed it, and wanted it.... My Flickr Album

Grazed?

Ok, so a combination of walking boots, a steep grass banking, a dead tree at the bottom of the banking, denim jeans, an over zealous 38 year old non-smoker with the brain patterns of a ten year old, and legs that don't keep up with the brain.....

Put them together and what do you get?

Cracked ribs, grass stains, grazed forearms, torn muscles, and a reasonable amount of laughter at one's own expense.

I look like a self harm victim that's bitten off a bit more than I ought to.

I can't remember the last time I got a "graze". I certainly can't remember the last time I had a grazed nipple!!

I am dosed up on germoline and nicotine lozenges, and my rock bone's even more busted than ever!!

In order to clear up any confusion over where your rock bone might be.... I would suggest it's somewhere between your shoulder and your collar bone on your "strumming" side!! Overuse of a "whammy bar" or trembalo arm, if you prefer, might cause severe shattering of said rock bone, to the point that one can no longer rock, but must sit in one's grandparents rocking chair drooling like Ozzy Osbourne's dealer.

One thing I have learnt today.... well I've learnt more than one, but I won't bore you with a ream of facts about running down slopes in walking boots..... so, one thing I have learnt, is that if you do suffer a nasty graze..... try to wash it in COLD water... not hot!!

Fear ye not!



Whilst sleeping, a particularly spiced up cat, came and scent-marked my place!!

It took me two days to get my coat back into condition.

I am very much alive.

To be fair, I don't really know what I have been doing for the last couple of days. Nothing of great importance or note, that's for sure.

The weather's picked up and we are having a great spring-like flush. I've got a new phone, which has a really nice camera on it, and I've been playing a lot of Guitar Hero 2.

Please find enclosed a nice picture from my new phone. Incidentally, if anyone were interested, it's a Sony Ericsson K800i, which incorporates a 3.2 Megapixel cybershot camera with image stabilisation and all sorts of spanky bits.



A definite sign of the warmer weather... I've seen loads of really cool insects. Lots of humble bees, and flutterbys, and ladybirds.

Cheech Marin.... I used to worship you as a God, and now I see you clean shaven, and suited and booted in Nash Bridges??? How the mighty have fallen.

Late night shopping.... I am going supermarket shopping this evening with three ladies. This might not be the smartest move I have ever made. Might get some random shopping pics with my new phone though!!

Easter..... I'm not in the slightest bit religious, nor do I actually like chocolate all that much. Makes easter a bit of a washout for me really. Perhaps I should be ebaying my bloody easter eggs? I am sure Dawn and Kirsty will see them off though.

There once was a young fox from Hudds.....

No, seriously, I am NOT going to limerick my way through the week.

It's been very difficult this last week, being confined to haiku. There have been days where I have wanted to say things, and it's just not been possible.

One thing I DID discover over the course of the week, that I will point out to you, is a little blog that reports news headlines in haiku. It's just one guy that does it, and he does a great job. It's called "Now haiku", and I know he will appreciate your support.

The smoking, or should I say lack of it, is going really well. I have managed twelve whole days without a cigarette. In that time, I would have smoked four hundred and eighty cigs, yes 480 of them!!!! This would have cost me two hundred and fifty two pounds, yes £126, and for my American or Canadian chums, that's about two hundred and fifty US dollars or nearly three hundred Canadian dollars!!

I have set my heart on buying a new camera with the money I am saving. The camera I want is a Samsung GX10 and it's gonna cost me about six hundred quid, so I am well on my way.

Today, however, my dreams of becoming a photographer, have been shattered.

I have, for quite some time, fancied myself as a wildlife photographer. Dawn doesn't take photographs, but she enjoys looking at the ones I take. Imagine my disgruntlement, when today, she picked up my camera, and with a single shot, managed to catch one of the rarest sights you could hope to see......

Many wildlife photographers have tried to catch a scene like this. None have succeeded, until now. David Attenborough would have been proud to include this in his collection.

An Arctic Fox, captured, engaging in a hitherto unknown activity. It's unlikely that it will ever happen again either!!



You might be forgiven for thinking this is an April Fool's joke, but it bloody well isn't.

I might as well hang up my flashgun now.

I've got a cunning plan....

... and I want you to be the first person to hear it.

I am blooming sure that I am not the first person to consider this, and I am 100% certain that I won't be the last.

I have a dream... and the dream is to become a million dollar grifter, through no other power than the interweb and my own perverse sense of procrastination.

As you may, or may not know.... My current job is due to run out in December. Having spent the last 4 or 5 years working with this team, in various places around the country, it would appear that the gravy train is finally running dry.

I don't really want to look for another job. In fact, I don't actually want to work ever again. So, the idea came to me.

There are enough internet ideas out there that should be able to make money for me. One such idea, I signed up for last week. The concept is such that you get paid for reading emails!! Hmmm - yes, I know what you're all thinking. Well, who knows??

And so, perhaps soon, I will be creating a new blog. The purpose of the new blog will be to chart and to exploit for the purpose of making money.

Remember the "million dollar pixel" guy?

Remember the "paper clip swapper"?

It can be done! I swear, it CAN be done... and I want in!

Watch this space!!

Oops!!

I've been a bad blogger. Missed a whole weekend of blogging fun and frolics.

On the flipside of this equation, I've been a busy old fox. Have had a house most overflowing, and a weekend to match.

Have managed to rake the leaves from the lawn - that bloody ash tree really needs some attention. It's bloody big, and it drops a bloody lot of leaves, for a bloody long time. The current windy clime of Huddersfield is most inconsiderate to this end.

Did some baking, with mixed results. Raspberry buns good, chocolate brownies bad. The buns were golden and of a nice texture. The brownies kinda went flat and overcooked, and stuck to the greaseproof paper, and although flavour was good, it will be a chore to eat them.

Finally plugged my Nintendo Gamecube into my lovely spanky new telly. The result, I am pleased to say, was good, good, good. Played a bit of Need For Speed (Most Wanted), some SSX On Tour, a bit of Tony Hawks, and for old time's sake, some XIII.

Went walking on sunday, and took a huge kitchen knife (with hastily crafted carboard cover), and a saw with me. Why? You may well ask!! The walk in question, took us through some prime woodland, and I fancied a stick to accompany me on the journey. I had read somewhere, that walking with a stick can reduce the impact on the knees by (up to) 25%.

I found a suitable stick and hacked and chopped it a bit. Most suitable and gentlemanly it was, until the dog bit it in half. The hastily crafted cardboard cover, of course, played its part, as I promptly sliced my hand in the process. Another hacking and slashing later, and I had my sturdy walking stick. A good walk was had by all, but note to self.... Next time I go walking, remember to put socks on before hiking boots. I only realised at the point of receiving my first blister that I had forgotten to wear socks. What an idiot.

In the vein of idiocy - Over the course of this weekend, I made the ultimate blunder. I went upstairs to my bedroom, tried the door, it wouldn't budge. I knew the window was open in the bedroom and figured that it must have blown shut, or perhaps something had fallen over and wedged itself behind the door. I summoned all my strength, and barged the door with my shoulder.... I think my shoulder gave more than the door... I rattled it, banged it, and generally tried to free it..... To no avail.

I went downstairs and assembled a pair of screwdrivers (because of course all my tools were actually IN the bedroom as a result of my addiction to assembling Ikea furniture) and went back to the door to prise it off the hinges or something. Fox + tools = Rambo on pcp! Of course, someone had beaten me to the door, and had promptly turned the handle and opened it.... I never knew the handle in my bedroom door even turned.... how about that?

I even got round to watching the great film - March of the Penguins - Which, incidentally, is about some penguins that go on a march... I can honestly say, it's a great film.

As previously mentioned, I have been assembling more Ikea furniture. I now have a bedside cabinet, to keep my bedside manner in!!

Within half an hour of blogging my disappointment with Yorkshire Water, they rang me back and made the required appointment. The power of blogging!!

In other news, I helped carve a pumpkin. In my days, when I was but a whipper-snapper, just knee high to the proverbial grasshopper, we used to carve turnips to make lanterns. I don't understand pumpkins. I don't like them, and I certainly don't want to eat them. The design achieved was satisfactory, but in comparison with these, I think we should revert back to our British turnip carving.