Tinker....

Tinkering with my widgets.

I know I shouldn't but I'll just do it until I need glasses!

After a rather late and stressful bar shift last night, I'm left feeling a little flat today.

I was hoping I might rise late, have a bite to eat, pack some fishing gear and head out to charm a fish or two out of a local fishing hole, known, rather imaginatively, as the "Duck Pond" at Lindley.

Of course the British summer has other ideas, and it's possibly the wettest morning I've seen since I lived in Outlane, some seven or eight years.

So, I've been tinkering.

I've changed the "chicken" tune to one the is more suited to our current situation, and I've uploaded a few couple more webcam highlights.  Don't forget to click on the arrow, on the right, under where it says "music player" to hear my latest selection.

There's a definite "weather" and "ducks" theme running through the air today!

The tune in question is dedicated to my late cousin Dan - It's a track by a band called Lemon Jelly and I'm pretty sure you'll be able to guess its name.  I remember the twinkle in Dan's eye when he told us about this track.  I'd heard it before but didn't know what the heck it was.  Anyway, this is an "unplugged" version of that tune and I'd give anything to be playing it to Dan and imagining him dragging out, not only this version, but every other version that has ever been released and quite a few that haven't as well.  He was an avid, obsessive compulsive, collector.

The stress at work was caused by a lack of customers......  between the hours of half past eight and ten o' clock, the pub was empty..... I cleaned and tidied, wiped and dried, mopped and stacked, rinsed and wrung..... until there wasn't a surface left that I could tackle.

Bored by the inactivity, I had a go on the quiz machine and was almost in "cash winning" mode when a single solitary customer walked in.....  rats!  I think he had half a lager and went to pick up some salt and pepper chips.  Lucky lad!

I got another seven or eight customers that came in and stayed until closing time.

I managed to clock up one complaint about my music choice in the pub (the trouble with "compilation" albums is that there's always one or two tracks that you don't like, and the landlandy happened to walk into the bar at one of those moments - even I don't like the track, but if you had a jukebox there'd always be someone who'd put the Wombles on or something right?).  I could write a bit more about this "music" thing.... perhaps another day?

At 2:30AM I woke up with more "window" fever!!  Did I check the windows?  Knowing full well that I did!

Cheryl....

Cheryl is dead..... long live The Henhouse Five plus Too (Also)!

No, Yorkshire Pudding..... remove your head from the cooker..... she's not actually dead.... I simply had to remove her particularly offensive brand of music from my web page and replace it with something more, well.... Foxy!

So, go on people, treat yourself by clicking the little arrow thing.... under the webcam.... over there.... look.... it's right there under where it says "music player".... click it..... with the mouse..... single click..... left mouse button.... no your other "left"!!!

I dedicate this track to John Gray and his collection of Fauna and flora.... if the rain doesn't stop, we'll have to change his name to Noah!

More bar work tonight.... wish me luck with those pesky pumps!

You would imagine, given the number of text messages and emails that I receive on a daily basis offering compensation for the "accident I had" or the "insurance I was sold" that I'd never have to work again!!  Sadly, this is not the case!

Rest assured, I'll be saving up some pennies to put towards some mosquito free fishing membership!

As a complete sidetrack - of which I am a consummate master - And I presume this will only work if you live in the UK..... try this!  It made me giggle.

Well, it's about a gajillion percent humidity today and it's dark enough to be the middle of winter, but with rain, and temperatures reminiscent of summer..... only one thing for it.... coffee and Judge Judy it is then!

Tempus....

Well, tempus really does fugit!

I've been trying to get back to my blog for a few days and write something but events in the non-virtual world have conspired to keep me otherwise engaged.

Jobs ranging from chauffering duty to dog walking..... from finishing a game on my Wii to collecting my weekly Pogo gaming badges...... from dining out to dining in.....  they all require time, effort and varying degrees of concentration.

Today marks a sort of special day, and this is partly the reason for my Saturday MORNING blogging activity.... I mean, who would write a blog on a Saturday morning?  Despite the fact that Dawn is working today (a rarity for a Saturday, but she is providing "cover" while her boss is away at the Isle of Wight mudbath festival) - The OTHER thing which marks this as a day to remember is that......

For the first time in almost six years, I am about to embark upon a day of paid, actual, real world work.

It's a fairly daunting prospect when one contemplates the water that has flowed beneath the bridges of Fox Towers....  Having had a trial run at this particular activity already on a quiet day..... I find, for one thing..... my eyes have indeed turned into apple pies!  That is to say, they are about as good for seeing through as apple pies might be..... they are old and tired, and I need to remember my crappy "reading glasses" that I got from a pound shop (for which Huddersfield is famed) - The concept of cheap "readers" is that they basically strap two cheap magnifying glasses over your ocular units in the vain premise that you gain a temporary ability to be able to read, before said lenses render your eyes completely useless!

I'd like to give more details about this particular "engagement" that I may be embarking upon, but it would be premature and foolhardy to do so at this point... rest assured, it will all be common knowledge soon enough and you'll all be welcome to come and press your noses against the glass to watch this fox gliding gracefully on the surface whilst flapping like a mad duck beneath the surface trying to maintain an air of competence!

Suffice to say, I think I would rather be returning to work after a self imposed absence of a term that on my curriculum vitae creates a gap which suggests I may have been detained at her Majesty's pleasure for something akin to murder, than sleeping on a ferry trying to get to the mud on the Isle of Wight..... not my cup of tea at all.

So, wave goodbye to the days of being a carefree, penniless, unemploy(ed/able) free agent of the past, and embrace the prospect of being an overworked, underpaid, wage slave of the future!

"Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM!"

Perhaps....

Watching the rain streaming down the windows in my lounge and the distorted image behind it.....

Harry Potter's later years in Lego Hogwarts, and my deftly flicking wand wiimote that conjures the "cruciatus curse" resulting in a cascade of multicoloured virtual bricks......

Playing gin rummy against a great-grandma from Georgia with Oklahoma rules in force......

Destroying my brain with a daily double dose of Big Brother entertainment shows.......

Car, half packed, ready for a fishing trip that has yet to materialise, weather too wet and too windy to make the effort......

Not one of these things makes for an interesting blog.... or at least I should say, not one of these things makes for an interesting blog Or a blog that I haven't written before!

In truth, I'm feeling far too flat and far too demotivated to summon up the energy.

Here's a link to the planning application for the destruction of Cupwith Reservoir - there's a prize for the first person who makes it through the "documents" section without falling asleep, and there's an additional award for the first person that can actually find out a valid reason for the reservoir being drained!

See: Previous blog about Cupwith & My Flickr Cupwith pictures.

Saturated....

It's just another rainy Sunday.... warm, but boy, is it wet?

Went out walking yesterday and the weather was decidedly "muggy" so I'm quite glad that this rain will be clearing the air.  It started raining towards the end of our "abbreviated" walk, and it's been raining since....  the bowling green out back is completely waterlogged.... the golf course, through which I have just besoddenly dragged a god dog was in danger of capsizing.

Bad day for outdoor sporting it would seem!

So, it's left to me to provide you all with a bit of an alternative to jubilee celebratory activity overloading yourselves, and I choose to do this by bringing to you (insert fanfare).....

Search Engine Sunday.......

to whistle

I'm making a massive assumption in this response, but..... You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.

arctic fox diagram of the ear

Surprisingly, there doesn't seem to be a decent diagram of an Arctic fox's ear.... anywhere in the known puniverse.... so for the benefit of science, I've taken it upon myself to create one for everyone to be able to refer back to, and here it is:

harry hill trombone solos

Oh, this old chestnut.....I used to own quite a few really good tunes with Harry Hill trombone solos in them, let me see if I can't find them.... (you have to pause, looking at this sentence for at least fifteen minutes to emulate the "real-time" aspect of me going off searching my library of files)...... (ok files found.... wait here fifteen minutes while I find out how to embed an mp3 into my blog - at which I will undoubtedly fail and link you to the zip file containing the trombone solo mp3 files)....Click this (you'll have to download the "harry hill" file from there and unzip the mp3 files and play them for yourselves)!

kia ora crow

Let's set the scene.... you're sat in the ABC cinema and you've just watched the Disney cartoon that was the prequel to the forthcoming main event of some such film as "The Cat From Outer Space" or "The Apple Dumpling Gang" and inbetween the two films you get chance to queue up down the steps to visit a vendor of intervalistic treats.  You might visit a lady with a badly illuminated tray who is selling tubs, or in the case of one Huddersfield cinema, they had a little kiosk that only lit up in the interval and was halfway down the right hand side of the cinema embedded in the wall....  Anyway.... during said interval, there would be a few adverts playing on the screen......

One of the adverts would be the "Pearl and Dean" advert ..... pa pa pa paaa pa pa pa pa PA puh paaaa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa paaaaaaaaaAAAA YEAH!

Another such advert would begin..... "Your projectionist tonight is Eric." etc...... and went on to urge us to buy Kia Ora

Anyhoo...... the Kia Ora brand eventually spilled out of cinemas and into our supermarkets... eventually being advertised on our tellyboxes, where there was obviously no reference to our projectionist, Eric.  So they had to make up a new face for Kia Ora and it ended up as this whole sketch with some kid, some crows and a dog.... now deemed officially racist (just read the youtube diatribe that accompanies the video), but I can't imagine anybody was offended at the time.... anyway, here's a link to the crows and here's a link to Eric (lest we forget!)

top 10 biscuits 2012

Would you "Adam and Eve" it.... Someone actually came looking for biscuits!  Well you may all be aware, or not if you were too lazy to read it earlier, that indeed, I DID produce an official and legally binding "top ten" of biscuits that not only spans the year of 2012, but any other year you'd care to imagine!  Here's that very article, which is, rather imaginatively entitled "Top 10 - Biscuits" - It's the hyphen that makes it so special!

Nice weather...

... for ducks!

Curse this crappy grey weather and curse my crappy grey mood.

I think I suffer from seasonal affective disorder at a macro level....  I am up and down like a frikking yo-yo with these rainy grey days at the moment.  The knock on effect on my health and well-being is savage.

Run down.

Seems an age since I was merrily trotting across the hillsides in search of geocaches.  Donkey's years since I was out in t-shirt sleeves on the rocky outcrops of Calderdale.  Positively millennia since I wasn't coughing, or sneezing or spluttering.....

I've even resorted to taking some horse-pill sized fish oil tablets and drinking restorative tonic!  When you've been run down for a while you'll turn to bloody voodoo if you think it will make you feel better.

Even the discovery of post-festival mild supplies at a local hostelry for a vastly reduced price could only temporarily lift the hovering grey clouds from the summit of my crown.

My day of fishing was a gentle mood lifter but the rain of today is squeezing the life out of mood again.....  I know it's good for the gardens and crops and stuff and I know we need it..... but it stops me being outside!!

On the plus side, I DID watch a couple of films today - which of course you can see on my films page... I watched Dark Star and Four Lions today - I did laugh out loud at both films too.

Rain rain go away...... piss on someone else's day!

Weak end!

It's the weekend, it's a bit weakened and I've got a weak end!

Story of this wet and miserable couple of days that everyone who goes to work looks forward to.

If these antibiotics would let me stray beyond the comfortable reach of a decent bathroom and/or permit me to have the customary weekend real ale experience.... then I am sure that this weather wouldn't be pissing me off as much as it is!

Even venturing out to the shops with Dawn today was like a military operation.... tablets.... alarms.... feeding time at the zoo.....  hopefully by Wednesday of this coming week things will be getting back to normal.

My alarm's just gone off to tell me I ought to be having my tea and taking a tablet but the adjustments I have to process from earlier in the day when we were out and about and the subsequent knock on effects are tying my loose noggin in knots.

Trying to download some films to watch this evening and the crappy USB stick I bought as a replacement is playing silly beggars too..... it does this stupid thing where it chops my download speed to 10kB/s and it makes me want to smash something!

To top it all off, my Nintendo 3DS has upgraded its own software and now my "special" card doesn't work in it.....   bloody technology!

Bloody weekends....

Shoot me now....

Dreary.... dull, wet, and extremely windy..... and the weather is just as bad!

I've got an abscess, and I have to take this staggering amount of antibiotics.  It took me a few hours just to work out the schedule to take these antibiotics.

I'm going into no gory detail about said abscess, suffice to say, if monkeys WERE to shove bad nuts there, they'd find that they would quite quickly become ex-monkeys quicker than they could say "Davy Jones".

For example:-

Flucloxacillin (a whopping 500mg variety) - Take ONE four times a day, an hour before food or on an empty stomach (which means one hour before food or at least two hours after food) and to take them with plenty of water.

Metronidazole (200mg) - Take ONE three times a day, with or after food.  Avoid alcohol like the plague.

So I have had to set up a series of alarms on my phone that tell me when to eat, when to breathe and most importantly which tablet to take at which point in the day.... it gets to be awfully confusing.  Coupled with the fact that I don't, as a rule eat "normal" meals in the day time, and I like a drink or three...... it's hard work.

Side effects of such large doses of antibiotics are "unpredictable" to say the least....  They tend to go in one end and come out of the other in very quick succession.

So I'm stuck in a loop.... timer goes beep, I respond like Pavlov's incontinent dog!  They tell me it's all in a good cause..... let's bloody hope so because the alternative path of having the abscess excised or drained and the subsequent round of daily dressing changes is not an option I wish to consider.

Introduction...

Rain, meet Manflu.... Manflu, this is rain.....

Now if I can only persuade them how good they are for each other they might just get it on and piss off into the sunset and leave me the hell alone!

A quick walk round the garden this morning reveals that the last week of continuous rain has rendered my normally slow growing lawn into a veritable green jungle.  Too wet to cut and too long to be of much use to anyone.

My daffodils have just about given up the ghost but my tulips are all starting to come out.... it's truly amazing how much this rain has brought things on in the past week....  I know the gardens really did need it.

I suppose I can thank small mercies in that I've been stuck inside brooding and stewing with a fevered brow and the weather really has not done anything that would suggest I could have been doing anything else but watching films anyway.....  I certainly wouldn't be walking or fishing in THIS stuff, or at least that's what I keep telling myself, knowing full well that I've done both in much worse!

I took a quick drive down Grimescar Road today which is a little back road through a lovely bluebell wood, and I always like to have a look at this time of year..... the sheer quantity of bluebells there does not and in this case DID not disappoint - a real local highlight.  I've even got some "bells" coming out in the garden although I'm inclined to think they are the foreign invaders - probably Spanish - and should be composted really but they add some colour for now!!

So, if this rain would just do one.... and I could shake the tail end of this man flu.... I might actually manage to get out of the house..... do some gardening..... get back onto shanks's pony...... and catch a few fish!

Give us a break, please.

Agitation.

This weather is driving me nuts....  one minute it's pouring down, the next minute the sun is shining, the wind is blowing icy cold....  I can't cope.

Last September, for my birthday, we took a trip to the Lake District and took on the challenge of the mighty Old Man of Coniston via a litte-known track - which, under normal circumstances, may have been an interesting day out.....

On the particular day in question the weather was bad.... just awful.... It was raining and foggy and wholly unsuitable to walking, but I'd planned it and double planned it.... it was my bloody birthday after all and it would take more than a bit of weather to stop me from taking it on....

As it turned out, it was not the best option for that day.... clothes, rucksacks, navigational equipment, all wet, soaked, waterlogged.... less than useful.  We DID actually get a bit lost.... I DID lose my temper..... Dawn NEARLY cried.....  we did make it to the top of the Old Man and curtailed the walk by returning immediately down the better trodden "tourist" path.... a miserable experience without even a decent summit view to show for it.

I can honestly say.... despite full waterproofing of every possible measure - I have never been wetter in my life!

And so, given the option to plan another walk in the lakes in the immediate future, I'm naturally wary as to what the hell this weather system is likely to throw at us.... do I plan a simple valley floor walk or just plan a full-scale expedition.... do I plan several and opt for the most suitable on the day (planning more means they are planned less well of course) - I think I've picked a nice walk but it DOES involve a graded scramble and I'm not overly confident that my Frankenstein walking boots are suitable for rock-hopping especially if the "slabs" are likely to be wet.... oh decisions!!

I always keep in mind that the Lake District is not called the Lake District for no reason, and that all those lakes are not there by accident.  There ARE no accidents!

Here's a link to the scramble I want to tackle - Jack's Rake!

The shelter at the top of the Old Man!

52 Minutes.

It has some very poignant meanings.

Firstly, 52 minutes is a short film about the growing epidemic of knife crime in London. When last I was in London, there were actually mobile metal detecting arches set up on pavements for people to walk through.

Secondly, it's the name of a Canadian rock band. Part of the hardcore/emo scene, whatever that means!!?!? Of course we all know that it means "emotional hardcore" on account of its' "oh so sensitive" lyricism. Those crafty punk wordsmiths.

Thirdly, it was the amount of time it took Barack Obama to deliver two speeches (exactly 26 minutes each) in Europe, which spelled out his desire to rid the world of nuclear weapons and his intention to launch a drive on nuclear disarmament - possibly bigger than any ever attempted - well, it would have to be Mister Obama - We've still got them, so that tells you the level of success of previous "drives" - besides:

Homer: It's pronounced 'nucular'. Nucular.

Fourthly, and most importantly, it was the amount of footage that I recorded last night, of the Big Brother "live" schedule..... during which time, the housemates were getting ready for bed. 52 minutes into my three hour recording schedule, and of course the lights were off and everyone was snoring. They are, without a doubt, the most sleepy bunch of housemates EVER!!!

Snow in summer. A whole heap of Eriophorum near Deer Hill, under a fluffy clouded sky. I could not choose which of the photos to post here, but chose this one just for the sky. That's cotton grass to you and me, dumbo!! You would not believe the difference in weather between yesterday and today.... my birdhouse has blown out of the tree this morning.... now where will I live!!

Wet firework.

Well, razzmatazz it ain't.

The latest series of Big Brother is a complete damp squib. We're just a few days in and.... I've already lost the will to view.

The episode tonight was embarrassingly bad.

I've even lost the will to write down or explore all the failings of the current show.

You've been saved from a real diatribe then!!

I've resorted to downloading a whole heap of Clint Eastwood films to keep me company through the dark hours where I'd normally be watching the Big Brother live feed and making my own mind up about what's really going on in the house.

I suppose I should be paying more attention to the local elections and the European elections......

.... or maybe not!?

A game.

It's been a game of two halves.... well to be fair, it's actually been a week of two halves, not really that much of a game.

First half, baking hot, dry, sunburned, and dogsitting.

Second half, in true British style, grey, raining, foggy, cold, and Big Brother.

A strange phenomena that I thoroughly enjoyed today was the first drops of rain falling onto the hot road, causing steam to rise and swirl about at shin height. Like dry ice at a crazy rock gig, swirling and eddying before the road cooled enough for it to stop.

A strange phenomena that I thoroughly didn't enjoy is that:

Big Brother has no live feed this year. This, presumably, is to encourage us to watch the actual Big Brother show and its spin-off counterparts that have, of course, been falling flat on their arses in recent years. The live feeds have been less manipulated, and we've enjoyed being able to make our minds up about the events as they occur rather than the way the editors wish to portray them.

I need a bath and a shave!!! Iced ink!!

It never....

... rains, but it bloody well pours!!!

The story of the last couple of days has been that of trudging through thick mud in the pouring rain. Wet walking boots, wet shirts, wet rucksack, trying not to get my camera wet, and trying to stay on my feet as the soles of my boots are filled with thick, black, gungy, Yorkshire mud. It's grim up north!!

Just managed a circuit of Scammonden Dam today, probably four miles or so, and in all fairness I'd say the weather really did get the better of me. The walk actually took twice as long as it should because of the horrible conditions underfoot.

I like this wall. A concrete wall at the end of Deanhead Reservoir... and undeniably man-made structure in a largely natural environment. I love the way that the mosses and lichens are slowly, but very steadily, breaking the concrete back down.

Guilty.

Of course, I am guilty as charged. I'm a brat, an ingrate, a miserable, moaning, grumpy, son of a mum.

I knew that my blog yesterday would rain fire upon my own head. I knew that there would not be a single person who would share my frustration. I knew everyone would, in fact, side squarely with my mum over my conduct and lack of enthusiasm at connecting across the water, but this is my blog, and of course, you're going to get my view. It was more important to get the rant "off my chest" than to actually "diss" my mum as the Pudding of Yorkshire would have us believe.

Straws and camels backs make for easy blogging.

Take for instance, the chav with a two bit pimped up ride that insists on waiting for me to get in my car so he can steal my parking space. He rubs salt into the wounds by parking across two spaces, so there is neither space in front, nor behind for another vehicle. I wish painful illness upon him. I feel better for just writing it down!!

Of course I love my mum..... what self respecting Yorkshire born skinhead wouldn't? We've been through a lot together... endless spit washes.... mutually reciprocal hospital visits (is that an oxymoron, or am I just a moron?)... Grazed knees... And unlimited sick buckets of both illness and self inflicted poisoning varieties... And of course, in return, my mum has done quite a bit for me too..... I jest of course!!

As a friend of mine once said... "When I get home I am going to rip my mother's knickers off...." and I can only imagine the stunned silence echoing around my blog is not dissimilar to that which fell upon the scene at that time. I think someone screamed before he continued... "This elastic's killing me!!".

I will leave you with that thought on day twenty two.

Some days....

Some days it's difficult to find the words to blog with. Other days there isn't enough time to write it all down. Sometimes enjoyable, other times a chore. Relentlessly I plug away, bashing the keys and allowing thoughts to become tangible.

Today is an easy day.

I'm recording some programmes from my Sky+ machine onto some DVD discs - namely a bunch of Doctor Who series two episodes. It's about six thirty in the evening. Inbetween babysitting the recording sessions, I go to make coffee.

Outside it's grey. Drizzly rain, pale grey clouds, wet stone slabs. The kettle is boiling, and in the interim period (where I am sure I would have smoked a cigarette in a previous incarnation) I pick up a bamboo skewer and rake it across the metal of a kitchen draining device. An improvised percussive instrument.

Outside the window, in the shrubs and ferns of my garden, I fix my eyes, searching for the tell tale shudders that indicate the presence of a feathered friend. I watch a sparrow fly under a shrub and turn and fly straight back out again. Something or someone disagreed with the little chap. I drop the bamboo skewer and crane my neck and strain my eyes for a sign of what else could be in there.

The smallest of garden birds comes into view. About the size of a very small mouse, and the same colour, it's the wren. My favourite garden visitor (besides the hedgehogs of course). I watch the little wren as it perches on a plant pot and takes a sip of rainwater. It drops down onto the slimy Yorkshire stone flags in front of my kitchen window. Out of sight.

I move across to the end of the windows, and see the bird on the floor. The wren is taking a bath in a small pool of water that's collected in the worn corner of a stone paving slab. The water no deeper than a couple of millimetres is ample for this tiny creature.

Awesome. Priceless.

The bird finishes its bath and hops up onto a ladder. Feathers puffed out, it's now about the size of a golfball. I can see the little spots on the feathers and a droplet of water on the end of her beak. She shudders the spray of water off and flies away.

Knock knock.....

Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
Aaaahhhaaaaa, you just said it.

The old ones really are the best.

I now have two really great applications that let me watch television when I want to watch it (providing it's been on in the last seven days or so) from all the BBC channels and also Channel 4.

The upshot of having the ability to download and watch programmes at leisure, is that I am managing to watch all sorts of really good television, and because of the very nature of the medium, it is generally advert free!!

Fonejacker; Big Brother (Diary room uncut; Little Brother; On the couch); Doctor Who; Britain in pictures - just a few of my favourites.

So, I've been watching tons and tons of Doctor Who (the new ones) series 1 and 2. I am loving it. Having viewed the first season when it graced our screens but missing out on season two, it's great to have the opportunity to catch them all again..... an episode a day on BBC3 - Brilliant, I don't even have to wait a week for the next episode.

All this TV leaves little time for anything else. I've finished a few books recently - Harry Potter; The Key (Battle of the belt - by the lovely Lynsay Sands); Melissa, the harlot's room (the autistic hooker book - I think Rol asked the title some time back). I am now reading another Lynsay Sands book The Switch.

Pogo is still demanding more time of me than I can reasonably proffer.

At least the wind and rain have returned, and I can (without twanging my conscience too much) avoid going out on my bike. Not sure my blisters would be up to it in all honesty, but I would certainly have a go should the weather allow.

More search items for you today..... A random collection:

Q: http://arctic--fox.blogspot.com/ (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "You search Google for a web address?".

Q: pooyan jar game (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "A fox in a basket shooting pigs? Gimme gimme".

Q: "welcome green elf" (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "Welcome red valkyrie".

Q: why has pogo stopped working? (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "Go and ask Pogo, don't be asking me".

Q: "whale oil beef hooked" "hoof hearted" (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "Iced ink".

Q: CAT PICTURE, "I'VE JUST FARTED" (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says ".....".

Q: beef flan (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "I'm just glad you weren't looking for fox recipes".

Q: Coming down like stair rods (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "It's raining Datsun cogs".

Q: pictures of bernard manning dead (Google)
A: Uncle Remus says "There's some weirdos about!!".

Cut off.

Stranded at Pole Moor. I have no internet access and it's driving me mad. I know it shouldn't, but it does. I sit and watch the lights on the ADSL modem flashing, trying desperately to connect with the outside world, but alas, their efforts are in vain. There is nobody out there.

I want to believe!!

It's a sunny morning (for a change). Dappled light filters into the lounge through the overgrown jungle just beyond. Honeysuckle and clematis shadows shimmer up the walls. From the rear window I can see big clouds in an even bigger sky. The seed heads of grass waving above a stone wall.

Sunrise, Yorkshire style.

I had to laugh at some of the recent comments that have been left for me (during my uncontrollable absence). There's nothing wrong with reading Harry Potter!! It's the book (or at least series of books) that made kids start to read again. The biggest mistake in my mind, is that they turned them into films.

I DO remember one period when I was working away from home that the Potter books helped me to remain reasonably sane. Although in retrospect, the people involved in that project may well not agree with that last statement. I recall spending a lot of time at my desk with my sunglasses on, clutching a plastic cup in my mouth (which was stuffed with pink paper)........

Blip......

Two whole hours later, and the internet connection that was so rudely interrupted, manages to get a word in edgewise again.

You'll never know about the pink paper and plastic cup, and you can blame Pole Moor for that!!

I chase a chicken from the kitchen, and the sun goes in. Oh to be in Yorkshire, now that summer is here.

I doff my respectful cap in Yorkshire Pudding's direction with regards to his predicted North VS South news eligibility challenge with regards to the recent flooding. He saw it coming and although I believed him, I have still been shocked at the difference.

This is Arctic Fox reporting for AFBC News, signing off before the ....blip!

Now....

I wouldn't say my farts are really smelly....... They are, but I wouldn't say it, and certainly not in mixed company!! As long as there were pets on hand, on which to blame the offensive stench, then I would never have to say it anyway.

So why is it......

My sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews have buggered off to Australia to live.

My mum and Fred have naffed off to Scotland for an undisclosed period of time to stay with my Aunty and Uncle.

Dawn and the kids are beggaring off to Wales for a week.

I find myself on housewatch. Confined to "bleak house" at Pole Moor - About which I have actually blogged before. I will spare you a repeat performance. Suffice to say it's foggy and pissing down with moor grime and rain.

Bugger it, I've just farted again.

I have, in my sweaty palms, a copy of the new (and final) Harry Potter book..... I have a week of solitude in which to indulge in all things Hogwarty. I seem to remember that someone posted the punchline to the previous book in my comments before I'd finished it!! Rotten buggers!!

Right, it's bloody late. This house is spooky. Five channels of television are not enough to stop me from going to bed. Note to self: Bring freeview USB thing along tomorrow!!

Expeliarmus!!

Stair rods.

Yesterday was a farewell party for my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews, who later this week set sail for a life down under.

I was drunk (of course).

It was raining (of course).

It was cold (of course).

It is July after all.... what else would you expect?

And so, this morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, it's bright and warm.

I spend the day reassembling the debris that I used to call my house. This exercise culminates in the clearing out of my wardrobe.... a great deal of "trying on" of clothes..... bagging up my scrap.... letting go all those "sentimental", scruffy, misshapen, discoloured rags. Really, I just say yes or no, as Dawn does all the hard work.

Tidied and wardrobed, we both collapse onto the bed for half an hour... A well earned rest, in a warm, sunny bedroom.

Out at the back there's a funeral wake at the bowling club.... some poor beggar's bowled his last jack.

A friend calls me to go for a bike ride. I agree to go. I hang up the phone, and of course it starts to rain. He comes round, and we set off for the ride, wrapped in waterproofs. A couple of miles up the road, and I am sweating under a bright blue sky. The waterproofs come off. A mix of road, and moorland, and maybe twelve miles later..... I'm happy and coated in mud and sand.

Half an hour later, I've been in the shower, I've a cup of coffee in front of me, and the rain is coming down with vengeance. Lightning isn't far behind. I thank my lucky stars for the hour and a half of perfect weather, where the salt stung my forehead, and sweat dripped off my nose.

Let the detox commence!!!