What

What a difference a day (or two) makes.

In true British style, I'm about to start some gentle weather discourse.

At the weekend it were boiling..... and now..... it's feeling like deep, dark autumn.

A ten degree temperature drop and some rather chilly winds have meant that my shorts and sunglasses are making way for socks and woolly hat.

It's decidedly cooler, and though there are promises that it'll pick up again by the weekend.... I'm not convinced.

I DID have fun at the weekend discussing the fact that it was "too hot" and bemoaning the scorching weather - in a very tongue-in-cheek manner with the overheated punters at the pub.  I knew that all too soon we'd be able to have a further conversation about the lack of summer and the bad weather we always have.... that's the advantage of working with drunk people.

So, I've tried to be a good boy.  I've tried to get back to my blog on several occasions, each time to be thwarted by such events as computers that refuse to work or a stomach that needs to be filled.

Just now, as an example, I received an email that wasn't really intended for me.... I had to forward it to someone else, and in order to do that I had to log in to a different mail account, find some mail with that person's email address , copy and paste between one email client and another, forward the mail..... it all takes time and provides endless opportunity for being sidetracked..... I rest my case, and I rest my feet on my case while I get my book out.

Point in question - one minute I'm typing my blog.... the next minute I'm reading and commenting on another blog..... then I hear the front door opening and I'm making a cup of tea for my mum..... time passes.... and passes......

And so, it comes to be that at some point I was hoping to post a few more pictures from THIS last trip to the borders area of Northumberland..... and of course, I end up posting pictures of fish and a previous trip to Northumberland....  it's more complicated than it needs to be.

In honour of a recent competitor on "Celebrity" Big Brother, I've made my very own internet based "wishlist" and you're all free to pick off as many items as you wish to send to me in exchange for, well, how about some gratuitously bad holiday snaps?

Here's my wishlist, and remember it's my birthday on the 24th September!!

Home alone....

For the next week, I'll be eating cold baked beans straight out of the tin, lounging in my underpants, and generally peering suspiciously out of the letterbox in the front door to make sure that nobody is approaching my property.

yes, it's holiday season, and Dawn and the kids have gone and left me home alone.

In truth, I'm not as useless as I might make out, and I can, and indeed do cook for myself (and Dawn when she's here).

I do still have reservations about approaching a washing machine or an iron, but the dishwasher is no problem, other than the fact that she only speaks Spanish..... just kidding, it's a Bosch and they only speak Chinese with a slight German twang.

The cats are looking at me like they are doubting my capacity for maintaining a regular feeding, watering, and de-crappifying routine.  They'd be right to eye me so.  Although Dawn did leave me with twenty pounds "spending money", muttering something about cat food as she went..... so the cats will probably have to make do with whatever beer and pizza doesn't get consumed this evening.

The dog's gone to Dawn's mum's house for the week, so that's one less thing to worry about - I say "worry", when what I really mean is "get out of bed to take for a walk".  And of course it's one less food and water bowl to replenish on an "oh my God, these animals look starving" basis.

So, the water's on, in order that I can have a relaxing leisurely bath (I might even leave the bathroom door open and have some radio on) when I finish the dreaded "ale trail" shift tonight.  My pyjamas are all aired and ironed, ready for curling up with my Celebrity Big Brother this evening.  Beers are in the fridge.

Now, if I can shake this "bad pint" headache that's been surgically grafted to my brain, and get this five hour shift behind the bar (during which time I will undoubtedly stare dumbfounded at the till wondering where a certain button is; wonder how a pint of Carling and a half of Strongbow can really add up to eight pounds forty on the till; not know what button to press to ring in a Tropicana; run out of clean glasses more than once; have to swap a dead lager glass at least four times to get one that "works"; have to bite my tongue on more than one occasion; look at the time about twenty times between half past seven and eight o' clock.  Then it's plain sailing all the way until fishing tomorrow!

me-mail

I don't know what it is about my "xxxxxx@live.co.uk" email address that makes people use it!

(and before anyone (I'm looking in your direction Mr Pudding) gets smart - the xxxxx bit is merely a mask over the actual first part of the email to save it from further abuse)

Some time ago.... in a galaxy far far away.....

A lady named Jemma started placing orders with "next.co.uk" to buy clothes. She bought a whole series of items ranging from underwear to Peppa Pig clothes for very small children.

I only know this because the email address she used to register on the "next.co.uk" website was in fact MY email address.... and subsequently I received all her order confirmations, her delivery schedules, her requests for payment.... etc etc. Now, most of these emails are automated and as such, you can't reply to them.... so I emailed Next to tell them of the error.... no response..... I logged on to Next using Jemma's details and changed her password a zillion times to try to flag something up.... no response..... I ordered a thousand catalogues to be sent to Jemma's address..... no response......

Eventually (possibly two or three years) I tracked down Jemma on Facebook and got everything sorted, but it wasn't an easy process.

And now....... I'm getting others......

Joan used my email address to apply to Wonga.com for a "payday" type loan - i.e. short term at extortionate interest rates - Poor Joan only needed eighty quid (£80) to last her until pay day..... the thirty day loan would have to be repaid at one hundred and ten pounds and eighty pence (£110.80) - now, even I can see that that's a bit steep..... but as they say 360% per annum fixed or 5160% APR. Suffice to say, Joan's application was rejected anyway, so she's probably living rough by now.

And then there's James......

James wanted some.... well.....

To: info@drainlineservices.co.uk
Subject: request for quote
contact name = james xxxxx
contact number = 02xxxxx1323`
contact email = xxxxxx@live.co.uk
comments = hi, please could you provide a quote for cleaning 8 single road
gulleys/drains for our client in segensworth, hampshire.
many thanks,
james xxxxx.

A simple enough request you might think....... but......

Hi James
Unfortunately this is not a job that we are able to carry out.
Thanks for your enquiry.
Nick Ruxton
Drainline Services LTD

Bad luck James..... your drains truly floweth over.... and worse still, you'll never receive the email telling you that they cannot attend.  Perhaps you'll read about it here?

And then there's our mystery customer, with a mystery demand..... but rest assured, this email response to someone using my email address is NOT for me!!

Dear customer,
Please let us know the link of the dress you need so that we can contact our factory to see if we can make it arrive in time
Best regards ,u07

(I've done some snooping on this one and the "u07" really refers to Jane White at "dressesclearancesale@yahoo.co.uk" but we will never know what the offender's request was.... perhaps it was a prom dress or something for a cruise?)

And so dear customers, it would seem that my email address is being used and abused the world over..... please take more care when ordering or typing your email addresses otherwise you'll end up with a surplus of catalogues being delivered to your house with overflowing drains where you can no longer afford to live and your dress never arrived in time for the eviction party!

Tinker.....

Tinker, tailor, soldier, procrastinator!

My car's broken......  not only is it broken, but the required part is not available until the seventeenth of July, and that's slightly over a month away..... when they said "one month next Sunday", I don't think anybody was laughing.

The particular part that's broken is a spring..... they make the wheels go up and down into the potholes that the council leave for us.

Now this spring is a special spring.....  you can only use a spring manufactured by the original car manufacturer because it's so rare that nobody else would want to make it.  The spring only fits my particular model and only those of that particular model that were made in that particular year!

It's a "one off" and I presume the original car manufacturer are manufacturing the part on that basis..... there is no stock of it.

So, I'm housebound..... which is less painful than it might originally sound in comparison to being egg-bound!

I'm wishing to be fishing!

So, I've spent a little bit of time getting back to my blogger template...... I've resurrected the "music player" featurette and also have paved the way for a future re-release of the ever popular "bowling cam" widget.... so keep your eyes peeled over on the right hand side of my page for when THAT goes live!

The "music player" function is a nice simple affair.... and I've (rather against my usual style) made sure that the player doesn't automatically start, which could result in heart failure for any number of blog visitors who have their sound turned up too high and have yet to be notified.... and it shouldn't piss you off too much because now YOU.... yes YOU....  You sat there in your vest and pants, slobbering your cornflakes all over the keyboard...... can start and stop the music at will...... I will probably change the tune weekly or so, in order to give you a chance to have a listen should you so wish.  If you look on the right hand side under the "bowling cam" there's a little arrow.... if you click that it will play some music.... if you click it again it won't play some music....  even YOU can manage that!

* [edit] - Apologies to those of a nervous disposition for my first choice of "music" - it sums up my dark mood and reminds me that if Armageddon were coming down the road, it would be accompanied by this excellent track..... one of the best gigs I ever went to blah blah blah.....
** [edit] - Cheryl Cole has now replaced my music of choice!  Blame Yorkshire Pudding for that one!

Bowling cam is another matter all together!

I've lost both of my webcams!  As soon as I find one of them, OR as soon as I find a really cheap, nasty, horrible, low quality piece of plastic that purports to be a webcam..... it will be up and running.

To make these little doo-hickeys do what they're intended to do..... I've had to install my own little web server..... so the stuff you'll see is actually coming to you live(ish) and sort of directly from the computer in my bedroom..... and of course if you're not seeing or hearing anything, then I've switched my computer off or my house has burnt down and you should call for a fire brigade or something......

And so, this merely proves that point that..... 

"one man's car part is another man's web server" - (Confucius)

Perhaps....

Watching the rain streaming down the windows in my lounge and the distorted image behind it.....

Harry Potter's later years in Lego Hogwarts, and my deftly flicking wand wiimote that conjures the "cruciatus curse" resulting in a cascade of multicoloured virtual bricks......

Playing gin rummy against a great-grandma from Georgia with Oklahoma rules in force......

Destroying my brain with a daily double dose of Big Brother entertainment shows.......

Car, half packed, ready for a fishing trip that has yet to materialise, weather too wet and too windy to make the effort......

Not one of these things makes for an interesting blog.... or at least I should say, not one of these things makes for an interesting blog Or a blog that I haven't written before!

In truth, I'm feeling far too flat and far too demotivated to summon up the energy.

Here's a link to the planning application for the destruction of Cupwith Reservoir - there's a prize for the first person who makes it through the "documents" section without falling asleep, and there's an additional award for the first person that can actually find out a valid reason for the reservoir being drained!

See: Previous blog about Cupwith & My Flickr Cupwith pictures.

Hiatus

Insert Big Brother sized pregnant blogging pause!

Normal service will be resumed as soon as I can tear myself away from the tellybox!

Let's not say goodbye

I've long been a fan, nay, a devotee of a local piece of water, known as Cupwith (which we locals pronounce cup-earth).  It's not a big piece of water and probably matters not to anyone but the wildlife and those of us who knew Cupwith as the boundary of our childhood territory.

Recently, for some unknown reason, somebody in their infinite wisdom deemed Cupwith a large enough body of water that it be officially classified and recognised as a "reservoir".

I am guessing that Cupwith's upgraded designation now means that the local water company and council have an added responsibility to push paper around on its behalf.  The long and short of this is that a friend recently pointed out to me that a planning notice had been issued to the effect that Cupwith is now to be drained off, finished, done away with.... it's about to become an ex-reservoir!!  Health and safety gone crackers!

Of course, the closing date for objections to this planning proposal has long since expired and as such we have simply to sit back and watch this majestic piece of water turn into a muddy "puddle".

Anyway, in a fitting tribute, I've been up to cup-earth and took a few photographs.... you can see them here!

Oh Cupwith, this isn't goodbye, it's merely au reservoir!

Naff off....

To quote the late, great Ronnie Barker as the ever present Norman Stanley Fletcher in Porridge.....  Naff off!

That's what I find myself saying quite a lot during these hot, sunny, summer days.  Or words to that effect at least, that possibly are too crude to be published herein.

Naff off temporary traffic lights.  There's a set just up the road from me that have been inching closer and closer to my domain over the last month or so.... at one point they were "three way" and then back to standard "straight line" or "two way" and now they've reached the end of Gosport Lane.... one of my regular short cuts, they're back to three way and the traffic backs up along Gosport.... and the traffic backs up through Outlane past my house....

Because it's sunny, when cars are stuck at traffic lights, they tend to have their windows down and their shitty stereos spewing crappy music out all over my garden, where I am inclined to be on and incline with a book clutched in one hand... pretending to read, while I am really trying to snooze!  Alternatively, I'm stuck in one of the three directions of traffic signals with the t-shirt sticking to my back.... just hundreds of metres from my home but unable to get there.

NAFF OFF!

Naff off to people who don't thank me for letting them out of a junction or to come through a narrow piece of road, flanked by the myriad of parked vehicles.

Naff off to people who, travelling downhill, with parked cars on their side, advance against me as I am travelling uphill with the technical right of way, and then fail to acknowledge that this is unreasonable and/or deserves at least some sort of recognition.

NAFF OFF

Whether it's the weather, or whether it's just technology that's railing against me but every piece of vaguely pseudo intelligent equipment I touch seems to malfunction.....  I sat waiting for my laptop to reboot tonight..... lights flashing, but undoubtedly there was nobody home.....  I waited.... Thorin sat down and started singing about gold......  Eventually, by some strange quirk of chance and or sense of frustration, I unplugged the USB hub and the laptop sprang to life.

NAFF OFF

Road tax..... car insurance.... MOT..... petrol prices......

NAFF OFF

Nosey neighbours.... bored out of their minds in their retirement.... pretending to be doing things so they can find out what's going on.... leaning over the wall....  eyeing up the missus while pretending to be planting their "summer bedding" in regimented rows around their hard-standings.......  "What's that".... "What are you doing?"...... "How does that work?"......  I don't expect to spend my day in the garden with neighbours, and their neighbours, and their neighbours and so ad infinitum.

Rant, rage, rail......  eyes bulging..... temperature rising......

Smoking

This hot weather is too much!

Imagine if you would, a film named "Some like it quite warm" and you'll be somewhere near my thoughts.

I need variety.

Too much sun makes everyone go crazy.

For some reason it also brings out the boy racers and motorbikes that see the sun as an excuse for tear-arsing past my house.

I've spent the entire day, out in the garden, surrounded by a positive plethora of piscatorial paraphernalia!

I've washed and oiled, tidied and reorganised, unpacked and re-stowed all my worldly tackle!

Rods, reels, bait, weights, floats, hooks, cloths, wheels, handles, nets, boxes, bags, tubs, sticks, arms, heads, catapults, wallets, tubes, tools, they've all been spread round the grassy area I laughingly refer to as a "lawn", like an explosion in a fishing tackle factory!

And so, just like when I fish, it would appear that one side of me has seen more of the sun today than the other.....  my right arm's slightly singed and tingling and a bit crimson, and the left hand side is fine..... no doubt I also have "sunglasses" lines round my panda eyes and lines where the arms have gone over my ears!!  This is what happens when you sit for too long in the sun without actually thinking about being sat in the sun!!

I spent the final hour or two of the afternoon reading a book and nodding off, safe in the knowledge that both arms were being equally toasted, and that my next fishing trip will be quite pleasantly organised - it's so much easier when everything is where it should be.... Part of the "art" of fishing is that once you get sat down and fishing, you should have everything readily to hand without getting up and stomping up and down the bank looking for this or that, or indeed the other!!

So I've got a red neck.... a red arm..... some tidy fishing gear..... and a shed with a roof......

On the subject of "the shed" - as is so often the case, when I asked my friend, John, to come and help me fix the roof.... it soon became apparent that:

a) The floor fell out of the shed!

b) Half the back fell off the shed!

c) Lots of other bits fell off the shed!

Thanks to John we managed to get it all done..... we put a new lower frame into the shed, a new floor, a new panel at the back, a new frame for the roof, new felt on the roof, and some extra bracing and structural suppor..... it's good to go, and we put a little base down to raise the shed off the floor so it doesn't sit in it's own pool of piss, quietly rotting away any more!

Don't get me started on "shed envy"! (caution contains gratuitous shed shots)

Poorly shed......

Poorlier shed.... John surveying the rotten floor - shed on side propped up :(

Shed on the mend!

Shed looking better!

Shed best!

between...

Stuck between a rock and a hard place is where you will currently find me.

On the one hand, I should have posted a blog yesterday that was all about me fixing my shed and getting SEVERELY sunburnt into the bargain.

I had also planned a little blog about an exhibit at the Yorkshire Sculpture Park that was a series of bee boxes made out of bee related books.

When you consider that it's Sunday and it's red hot and I'm less than cheerful, you'll forgive me for sinking back into a blog about ..... Search Engine Sunday!

there was a cow from huddersfield

A poem once taught to me by a distant relative of the Peaker clan... possibly my mum's cousin David or some such person, that goes a little something like this.... (sound of fox clearing throat)......

There was a cow of 'Uddersfield,

Who said tha' 'er milk would no' yield,

Unless she 'ad 'er udders feeled!

fashion girls cool KART

Now, I'm as puzzled by somebody landing on my page as a result of asking a search engine this specific query.  I've tried desperately to understand what/why.where/who this was all about and in what direction I should gently "shove" them, and the best thing I can come up with is this VERY disappointing (loosely called) video game!!  Click here to play it!  I have to admit to having one go at it and was waiting for something to happen, when I realised.... that's it.... I mean that is literally all it does!!  Piss poor!

mission impossible and line burn

Are you suggesting that little Tom Cruise singed his pinkies by throwing himself off a building, tethered only by a little piece of rope and subsequently ended up say "ouch that really chafes"?  I can actually imagine that.  I don't, however, know anything about the Mission Impossible franchise.... don't recall having seen ANY of them..... perhaps Rol might have some information on this (he knows about movies and that)?  Or IMDB and their Movie Trivia!?!

death traps for arctic fox's

Good grief internet searcher.... where's your grandma?  I mean grammar!!  fox plural = foxes, something belong to a fox = fox's.  However, much more alarming is the fact that you're looking for a death trap for an arctic fox.... I can only hope that you are looking for this in order to ensure that no such things are present in your local fox friendly environment and not that you are planning a foxy genocidal mission!!  As an example... DON'T use these!

slug

Hang on... that's not even a valid search.  I hope the search engine spat you out in a semi-digested state suggesting that there is far from enough information to compute your request.  Do you want a fancy dress outfit for a slog?  A way to trap slugs in the garden?  A picture of a slug?  A slug of whisky?  It's too vague and you're making my head hurt, now go away!!

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to the water.... and sit down and do a bit of fishing......

I'm ill AGAIN!

The whole house in which I reside is in a state of free-falling illness...... everyone's coughing and spluttering.......

Sleep patterns have gone to the dogs.... one person seems to have gotten a bit better and then someone else gets a bit worse.......

I thought I'd had the bronchial thing.... I'd had the flu..... the abscesses at both ends of the scale........

Now, after approximately two whole days of feeling almost well...... the chronic taste of death in my trachea accompanied with a bucking bronchi that feels like a tongue that's been burned by molten cheese straight from a toasted sandwich.

Hot... cold..... dry, non productive wheezy cough.  What joy.

Illness is strange..... eventually when you've been ill for a period of time, you begin to forget what it's like to feel normal.  What it's like to go through a day without even noticing how you feel...... the luxury of being able to take your health for granted.

I've not been this run down for bloody years, and if it were just me on my own then I'd be getting worried about it by now....  it's nice to have some sickly company on this particular ride!

The plus side of this is that I've taken to making myself a rather nice Hot Toddy.... and here's my recipe:

(I usually use a nice big tumbler that measures about half a pint - a nice thick walled glass tumbler keeps the heat in best)

Put enough runny honey into the glass to cover the base.... a good teaspoon works for me.

Add a good dash of lemon juice... I'm using bottled but I am sure fresh would be much better and I'd try for about a quarter of a lemon's worth.

Add whisky/rum/brandy in desired quantity..... I don't overdo it but I've been using a nice 12 year old Tobermory single malt.  Probably a decent single measure.

In a plastic jug I put a teabag and enough water for the drinks I am making..... 1 teabag is usually enough for two glasses if you put enough water in and brew it well.

Pour the steaming hot tea into the glasses to fill them to the top....

Give a gentle stir but not too much..... it's really nice to have a final syrupy mouthful at the end of the glass with the last bit of honey.

And, as Father Jack might say....... Drink!

Nice weather...

... for ducks!

Curse this crappy grey weather and curse my crappy grey mood.

I think I suffer from seasonal affective disorder at a macro level....  I am up and down like a frikking yo-yo with these rainy grey days at the moment.  The knock on effect on my health and well-being is savage.

Run down.

Seems an age since I was merrily trotting across the hillsides in search of geocaches.  Donkey's years since I was out in t-shirt sleeves on the rocky outcrops of Calderdale.  Positively millennia since I wasn't coughing, or sneezing or spluttering.....

I've even resorted to taking some horse-pill sized fish oil tablets and drinking restorative tonic!  When you've been run down for a while you'll turn to bloody voodoo if you think it will make you feel better.

Even the discovery of post-festival mild supplies at a local hostelry for a vastly reduced price could only temporarily lift the hovering grey clouds from the summit of my crown.

My day of fishing was a gentle mood lifter but the rain of today is squeezing the life out of mood again.....  I know it's good for the gardens and crops and stuff and I know we need it..... but it stops me being outside!!

On the plus side, I DID watch a couple of films today - which of course you can see on my films page... I watched Dark Star and Four Lions today - I did laugh out loud at both films too.

Rain rain go away...... piss on someone else's day!

Excuses

"Arctic Fox, where are your blog entries for the last three days?" Asked a mustachioed, unkempt school teacher.  "Sorry Sir, the cat ate them and then the dog ate the cat" came my smart-arsed, well rehearsed response.  A hundred lines and one hour of detention were my reward.

I wake up, cold sweat.  Pounding headache.  Must be Monday I think to myself and sitting bolt upright notice it's actually Tuesday.

Well, I've had a rough few days.

I've finished my antibiotics and am starting to feel like I dare loosen the bond between myself and the nearest toilet.

I've deleted the complex series of alarms that I'd created to remind me when to take this, take that, or even eat food.

With a little research and an old carrier bag, to plug the holes in my sieve-like memory, I've managed to fix up my Nintendo 3DS so that it (once again) agrees that it can play games from my "very special" card.  Thank heavens I still have my old Nintendo DS otherwise I don't know how I would have done it!

Apart from feeling like I'm sitting on an infected timebomb..... and my head feels like I drank about fifteen pints of real ale last evening..... everything's coming up roses..... or is it?

In some fevered fit of sleep last night..... I remember hearing, and wishing I had been dreaming..... that ISPs are being told to block access to Pirate Bay!  I mean, you're frikking kidding me right?  Didn't we all get a bit antsy because China blocked Google?  Isn't this just the bloody same?  Can someone tell us what we can and can't look at?  I tell you what.... I'm SO bloody furious that I'm going to watch snooker all day!  Stuff your internet up your arse! 

(but don't, please.... I beg you, bring it anywhere near mine!)

Vicious circle

Stuck in an anticyclonic tango with bad health and bad weather.

Miserable outside... miserable inside.

Not even the chance of watching a hitherto unseen movie or playing a video game could lift my dank spirits today.

More of the same antibiotics... more of the same alarm bells signalling mealtimes.....

I decided I'd fix myself a nice big pan of stew, the ultimate comfort food, but of course, when I got there the cupboards were indeed bare.  In order that this poorly dog shouldn't have none, I decided to get dressed and head on out for supplies.

I picked a suitable gap in the rain and made a dash for the car.  To my surprise, something you can never really gauge from your armchair caught me unawares, and I found it was actually quite warm outside.  Warm to the extent that the road was actually beginning to steam.

I set off in one direction, changed my mind, took a detour, got stuck in some traffic lights and ended up at a local Aldi.  Now I've nothing against Aldi, but I find that you need to prepare yourself for a visit when you decide to go there.....

a) I've got no change.... not one single coin.... no trolley and they don't have hand baskets at Aldi either.

b) No shopping bags.  Usually I carry a few bags in the car for such emergencies.  I'm a big fan of reusing bags and we have a plethora of jute and canvas bags for such occasions.  Not today though.

c) Car parking.... whenever I go to Aldi there's never a car parking space and I had to do two circuits of the car park turning round by the recycling bins at one point before I finally parked in the loading bay!

Ok so I've parked.  I can't get a trolley.  I've got no bags.

First thing on the list.... bread.  I pick up a cheap brown sliced loaf.  Then on to the fruit and veg section, picking up a tin of tomatoes on the way.

It's about this time that my lack of energy due to lack of food decides to kick in and I get that unmistakable shuddery feeling inside, which I presume is low blood sugar or something.

So, a family pack of mushrooms..... a turnip... some potatoes.... some carrots..... some onions.....  by now the loaf is getting slightly squashed......  I put the turnip in my jacket pocket, like some weird shoplifter and carry on..... to the till..... feeling like I could faint for lack of nourishment at any given moment.

It's turning into a weird episode of Double or Drop (if anyone's old enough to remember that Crackerjack classic?).

To add insult to my injury in this unpleasant shopping experience.... I have to pay three pence for a carrier bag.  On the plus side, I DO remember to take the turnip out of my pocket and I don't get charged with shoplifting.

I DID forget to buy Greek yoghurt - and that scuppers my plans for teatime tomorrow.....

I think I will go to Morrison's next time.....  Stew is finally cooking away as we speak.

Ring ring....

I'm out in the garden cleaning the bird feeders.... the phone rings.....  not unusual you might think, but I NEVER use the land line.... and it's ringing......

I jump down out of the tree where I hang my bird feeders (honestly you'd fall for anything.... of course I took the bird feeders down BEFORE cleaning them).... and go inside and answer the phone, fully expecting... "Congratulations, you've won"....click!

"Hello" I inquire, sounding remarkably like a person who has never seen a phone before and wonders why this white bone that hangs on cave wall should suddenly make loud noise......

A REAL PERSON on the other end of the phone.... the novelty throws me slightly.....

"Could I speak to Mr. Weaver" she asks, and switching immediately to business mode "Speaking!" comes my standard reply.....

"Hello Mr. Weaver, I'm just calling from your bank" - She does go on to verify that it is indeed my bank and I'm happy to spend a couple of minutes talking to her.... fully aware, even before she, that this is a fruitless conversation for both of us.

"i wonder whether I could book an appointment for you to come in and for us to review your bank accounts so we can make sure you have the best deal?" she offers optimistically.....  "I see you have a current account, a mortgage, and savings accounts with us....".

I interrupt her mid flow and state, quite clearly "No, that's ok thanks, I'm not interested."  Which to me would signal the end of the conversation, but I'm not "target driven" like this poor lady and I certainly don't have anything to sell......

She goes on to ask me a few questions about my mortgage like "Are you on a fixed term variable rate tracking deal?".... it might as well be in Chinese... for one, she's looking at my details on a computer screen so she knows EXACTLY what I have...... for another..... I don't have a clue what kind of mortgage they handed to me on a plate back when I had money and before the banks had none.

"I don't know" I claim.

"Well we could sort this out for you and get you on a better rate of interest" she begins......

"I don't have a job" I cheerily chime in....

She continues.......

"Look!" I start to become agitated, I don't suffer fools gladly.  "Look.... how can you offer me a new mortgage when I don't have a job?" I ask of her.

"We can't" she concedes, starting to realise she is not making a sale. "How about your household insurance?  We guarantee to beat any quote you might have for that,"  She is clutching at straws now, and the birds in my garden will not feed themselves.

"I tell you what" I counter-offer "How about when my household insurance is due for renewal, I'll let you know".... which I thought was a fair "out" for her, she could hang up without totally losing face at this point and make a note on my file that I'd let them know.... a dont-call-us if you like.....

"Well it does make sense to sort these things out BEFORE they are due" she begins and my left eye begins to twitch......

"That's ok.... thank you, I'm still not interested... thanks for the offer though" and I hang up the phone.

The punchline to this story.... and one which I would not dare to admit to my mortgage holder.... is that my house and contents are currently uninsured..... and if she could beat THAT quote, then I'd love to hear it!!

Happy George Day

Happy St. George's Day - What's that mean?  I'm glad you asked because I don't know either....

April 23rd... no fanfares, no trumpets, no fireworks, no national getting drunk day, no national holiday even....  what's the "unifying" experience that brings us all together then?  Answers on a postcard!

What I CAN tell you about this day is that historically it's been a good day for sporting prowess....  On this day in 1977 Vlastimil Hort (Czech chess grandmaster) earned himself a world record by playing 201 games simultaneously, whilst at the same time Dr. Allen Bussey looped a yo-yo a staggering 20,302 times and only lost control of it ten times.  Neither of them were British.

This day is also overshadowed by being the anniversary (from as far back as 1984) that the AIDS virus was discovered - and it TOO wasn't British.... nor was it cricket!

The other significant events that this day could be remembered for are:

1923 - Stalin officially opened the Moscow Underground.

1616 - Miguel de Cervantes (creator of Don Quixote) shuffled off this mortal coil.

And finally.... British FACT (possibly):

1348 - The Order of the Garter was founded (the highest order of English chivalry - not including holding the door open for a bird) - *** A BRITISH FACT ****

1564 - William Shakespeare was born (good times but possibly not even a real event)

1616 - William shakespeare died (bad times but possibly not even a real event)

1850 - William Wordsworth died (bad times) **** FACT ****

1915 - Rupert Brooke died (bad times) **** FACT ****

Home

I came back late and tired last night

Into my little room,

To the long chair and the firelight

And comfortable gloom.

But as I entered softly in

I saw a woman there,

The line of neck and cheek and chin,

The darkness of her hair,

The form of one I did not know

Sitting in my chair.

I stood a moment fierce and still,

Watching her neck and hair.

I made a step to her; and saw

That there was no one there.

It was some trick of the firelight

That made me see her there.

It was a chance of shade and light

And the cushion in the chair.

Oh, all you happy over the earth,

That night, how could I sleep?

I lay and watched the lonely gloom;

And watched the moonlight creep

From wall to basin, round the room,

All night I could not sleep.

(Rupert Brooke)

Write-off

I get pissed off when chains of events conspire against me..... case in question......

A friend gave me a computer.  I want to plug the computer into my television so I can surf the internet, in large screen mode.... from the comfort of my sofa.  Not a difficult request really.

I installed Windows XP on the computer - a series of problems meant that this process in itself took a whole day!!  The computer has been working, but it has hiccoughed a couple of times, but I thought I had ironed these problems out.

I check my TV and it doesn't have a VGA connector on it to connect a PC.... groans..... the PC doesn't have an HDMI connector on it to connect it to the TV..... double groans...... there's got to be a way to do this..... I can't find the instruction book for the television.... I can't find the model number of the television to find an instruction manual for the television on the internet...... 

Reluctantly I lift the entire TV cabinet which holds (TV; Freeview HDR; Nintendo Wii; PS3; DVD Player; Wireless router; DJ hero controller; All the associated plugs, wires and bits and pieces that go with it) - I drag the unit out just far enough that all the cables and plugs get tangled up and just far enough that I can get a camera down the back to take some photographs......

I sift through a series of terrible photographs that I've blindly taken down the back of the TV and find one that when I zoom in close enough, I can read the model number of the television......

I look up the television on the internet and find an instruction booklet for the correct model.... it requires some software to be installed to read it though and I give up.....

I am just emailing my friend to see what he thinks..... when I remember I had bought a VGA to RGB H/V cable for my laptop, some time ago, and it's right here in the cupboard in front of me.... I dig it out.  It's the FIRST thing to go right today!!

I run all the cables through the right holes in the cabinet, thread this one here, pull that one through there - it's turning from a tidy, cable managed nirvana into the cable knitting fairy's hideout!!  Everything's hanging out.... bits here, bits there..... but everything's plugged in..... I switch it on...... 

Nothing.... blank screen......

I unplug everything, plug it all back in..... and..... a different shade of nothing..... a BLACK screen.......

I switch off and on again like a seasoned IT professional and......

beeeep..... beeeep....... beeeeeeep........ a motherboard sounds its last dying breaths........

I should...

a) go back to bed.

b) smash something.

c) put everything back the way it was before i started pissing about with it.

d) blame it on the dog.

e) all of the above)

delete as applicable!

I consult my download schedule and notice "Day of the Jackal" has just about arrived...... looks like that's the plan then.

Flu-nami!

Hurricane Mucus has reached land, somewhere around the Bay of Arctic Fox at 11:00hrs today.

Scientists predict high blood pressure, gusting sneezes in excess of 300 miles per hour with prolonged showers of snot.  Extreme periods of abject frustration and intense seismic activity are highly likely sometime around bedtime!

Local residents have been warned to stay out of the path of this flu-nami and to seek shelter at the earliest opportunity and start panic buying (amongst other things) petrol; Kleenex (mansize); beer; and Beecham's Powders.

The Met Office have issued a severe bad mood warning for the rest of the week.

Fiddlesticks!  Don't forget to see what films I am managing to stay awake to watch - and here's a picture of brighter, happier times!

Cosmetics for men

I don't wear make-up.  I've never worn "guy liner" or had a "back, sack and crack waxing"....  Hell, most days I don't even bother to shave.....  I'm a veritable Neanderthal as far as male grooming goes.

I use a bit of Old Spice deodorant of the stick variety....  and some Super Matey bubble bath......  I occasionally use a bit of sunscreen because I spend so many hours outside either fishing or walking.  One of my sunscreens is a combined moisturiser and sun block.... and THAT is about as far as we go.

I'm not keen on things that "spray" - Tomcats and deodorants... hairsprays, perfumes and aftershaves.  I don't like to smell someone else's artificial scent  in the cinema, in the restaurant.... or in my own home....   it's the equivalent of a wild animal walking up to me and pissing in my face.  Can you imagine what would happen to said animal?

So my fishing pants smell like Grimsby Docks.... my walking gear all smells like it's been dragged through a hedge backwards..... and me?  I'm somewhere in the middle!  I don't actually know what I smell of....  I don't think anyone knows their own particular scent really.... but you get familiar with other people's odours, and according to Dawn.... mine isn't bad, and I'll settle for that.

I have a blotchy skin.... the best thing for it is to be outside in the fresh air and to get some exercise.... not to block my pores with laboratory crafted potions.  I don't feel the need to dye my grey hair, or to turn back the clock.....  I'm getting old, it's a fact and I'm not the first person it's happened to and I certainly won't be the last.... unless everyone comes and pisses in my face.... then you're all dead!

(God help any woman who dares to wear one of those offensive scents - namely Poison or Opium (just two past fragrances that make me physically ill) - near me!)

No, dear reader, the world of male grooming is not for me.  I'm proudly cosmetically challenged!

Panic

I'm typing this in a bit of a flap.... 

Having reached the end of my very short tether regarding my under-performing antiquated laptop and its very own personalised geriatric copy of win-doze.... in a peak of fury I decided to completely wipe it and install windows from scratch AGAIN.

This is the life of a windows user.

Anyway, the machine's looking alright now and it's got a new lease of life.  The only thing left to do is install a few pieces of software - no doubt crippling windows in the process.

This is the life of a windows user.

Well I was planning a large-scale jaunt out to the Dark Peak tomorrow with my mate Ben, but as I type it's bloody hammering down with snow, the forecast for Edale for tomorrow is snow, rain and twenty five mile an hour winds.... the sort of thing you really ought not to be clambering about on a large millstone grit escarpment in.

So we've pared back the expedition and we're doing the 12.5 mile Colne Valley Circular - a route I know quite well - and which provides us with several safe bail-out zones where we can curtail the adventure with no harm done.

Right now I am cursing the snow and desperately trying to find the Memory Map software and the routes that I've created......  

This is the life of a windows user that goes out walking in the snow!