Guilty.

Of course, I am guilty as charged. I'm a brat, an ingrate, a miserable, moaning, grumpy, son of a mum.

I knew that my blog yesterday would rain fire upon my own head. I knew that there would not be a single person who would share my frustration. I knew everyone would, in fact, side squarely with my mum over my conduct and lack of enthusiasm at connecting across the water, but this is my blog, and of course, you're going to get my view. It was more important to get the rant "off my chest" than to actually "diss" my mum as the Pudding of Yorkshire would have us believe.

Straws and camels backs make for easy blogging.

Take for instance, the chav with a two bit pimped up ride that insists on waiting for me to get in my car so he can steal my parking space. He rubs salt into the wounds by parking across two spaces, so there is neither space in front, nor behind for another vehicle. I wish painful illness upon him. I feel better for just writing it down!!

Of course I love my mum..... what self respecting Yorkshire born skinhead wouldn't? We've been through a lot together... endless spit washes.... mutually reciprocal hospital visits (is that an oxymoron, or am I just a moron?)... Grazed knees... And unlimited sick buckets of both illness and self inflicted poisoning varieties... And of course, in return, my mum has done quite a bit for me too..... I jest of course!!

As a friend of mine once said... "When I get home I am going to rip my mother's knickers off...." and I can only imagine the stunned silence echoing around my blog is not dissimilar to that which fell upon the scene at that time. I think someone screamed before he continued... "This elastic's killing me!!".

I will leave you with that thought on day twenty two.

Twenty one today.

I think I mentioned previously that you should NEVER piss off a blogger...... This advice holds just as true for Egears.co.uk (who you should never ever use) as it does for my own family.

....

Phone rings.... and rings....

I half open my eyes, pick up the phone, notice it's my mother calling....

I hold onto the phone for a split second hoping it will ring off and I can go back to sleep, until my conscience pricks me enough that I have to answer it anyway.

My throat is still closed, and so are my eyes.

Hello....

"Hello, did you know it was me?" asks my mother.

"For christ's sake, my mobile phone, just like anyone else's tells me who is calling... it is no longer a surprise to discover who has broken my slumber." I think to myself.

"Yes" I reply.

"Blah blah blah"

"I'm tired" I respond.

"Are you ill?" my mother asks.

"No I'm tired, I have just woken up" and I am becoming increasingly frustrated and angered at being woken up to make small talk.

"It's eleven o' clock" my mother usefully point out..... "Is it eleven at night?"

"No it's morning, but I was asleep" I reiterate.

"Have you read about our trip to Sydney on the blog?" my mother asks.

At this point, having just about managed to adjust my eyes to daylight, and wondering whether my legs are still attached to my body, I feel like a prisoner under interrogation. Of course if I had read the blog, then there would have been a subsequently pointed and no doubt sarcastic, caustic or rude comment from me, I think.

"No I've not read the blog." I answer, desperately trying to not let myself think out loud.

"Oh."

"I've just woken up." I reiterate.

"Yes I know you've just woken up, you keep telling me." retorts my increasingly angry mother.

"And you don't think that in me protesting about coming under question and pressure to make small talk within 15 seconds of waking up is a signal to leave me alone?" I think to myself.

Several more exchanges increasingly anger me where my mother talks over the top of a slight voice delay and my answers to questions so that I end up repeating myself over and over.... I am in no mood for this.

"How is the snow?" She asks.

"Gone."

"I read about it on your blog, and someone at work told Rob about it." she usefully informs me.

"Oh."

"Did it just snow there or everywhere else?"

"I haven't been EVERYWHERE else!!!!!!" I protest.

"Why don't you let XXXX look after things for a few days. you have her number, and she'd love to do it" asks my mother.

At this point I am no longer even in the conversation - XXXX looked after things before and the Rayburn burned itself out. My girlfriend at the time spent days cleaning up cat shit where a disinterested friend had been in to feed the cats but had not noticed the smell of burning or seemingly of the room next door being full of cat shit. This must by mum's definition of "love to".

Eventually, I can hear mum's voice begin to crack as she realises that no matter how hard she tries, there will be no sense in poking a bear that you've just brought out of hibernation. My day has been well and truly ruined, and I'm not even out of bed.

Phone call behind me, I get up, fuming. Arrive in the kitchen with cat puke to clean up. The weather is so bad, but on the basis that the chickens have not been out in two days, I decide to give them an option. I wish I didn't. The garden is strewn with pieces of a dilapidated compost bin. Watering cans, bits of metal, plastic, and compost are all over the place.

I tie everything back together, shovel up, sweep up, disinfect the kitchen again..... offer the chickens a chance of freedom and they huddle in a corner. I shut the door and leave them to it.

A great start to the day....

I "LOVE TO" do this!!

Snowy Sunday.

It's Sunday, I have shaved all my hair off and the weather takes a nose dive. My core temperature has gone with it. Damn, it's cold. So cold is it, that today we received our first bout of snow! Not much to write home about, but definitely snow, and a cold fog, and lots of slushy rain too.

There are six points on a snowflake, and each snowflake is completely unique. The magic of fractals.

Here are the Sunday searches. I am celebrating day twenty, and the fact that I have now officially passed the half way mark. The cats are all alive and there are still some chickens left. I'm working on it though... whilst trying to keep warm!!!!

the sims ruined my computer (Google)
Lucky you.... My computer's fine, but my life's in shreds. Thank your lucky stars and move on to the next level.

is the arctic fox born alive or in a egg (Google)
You're kidding me, right? Apart from the obvious, that would be "an egg" not "a egg"...... you've got to be kidding me!! Ok, just to clear this up.... For mammals, ONLY the platypus and the long-beaked and short-beaked echidnas lay eggs..... The arctic fox is born alive!!

"i gave her a black eye" (Google)
You bloody cad!! Email in your address so we can forward it on to the relevant department.

anyone used http://www.egears.co.uk/ (Google)
Yeah, me, and I suggest you don't!

i have not smoked for 20 years are my lungs ok (Google)
Here is a timetable of what happens when you stop smoking. Well done for managing twenty years.... I reckon you have nothing to worry about in terms of excess risk. I reckon you should know your own body better than any text book though... if they feel ok, then I am sure they are fine... if they don't feel too good, then google it on the web before going to see your GP who will just do the same thing anyway.

huddersfield pearl festival of light (Google)
That's an easy one... I was there, and it was great. The Plasticiens Volants website is here.Here's someone else's video clip on youtube. Here's what the Huddersfield Examiner made of it.

2 huddersfield swingers" (Google)
Erm.... are you looking for two swingers or are you two swingers looking for something? Have you tried doggersweb? How about adultfriendfinder too??

pics of baby arctic foxes (Google)
Oh, that old chestnut... try google images!!

inventions for finding goods on shelves in supermarkets made easy(Google)
This one is a no-brainer.... try using your eyes!! The perfect tool for the job. Also, if you really can't see something you want, they hang those signs over the aisles to tell you which aisle has cereals in, and which is alcohol..... If you're REALLY stuck, try asking a member of staff!! For that reason, googler, I'm out!!


toad (Google)
toad (AOL)
Bloody Toad even gets his own search results now!! Grrrrr!! Bad Toad!!

N...n...n...n...

Nineteen!!

I'm almost at the halfway mark of the thirty nine day stretch.

Last night we went into Huddersfield to witness the Festival of Light. There was a French troupe, known as Plasticiens Volants, and they were performing a play called Pearl..... Well, let's just say.... lights.... inflatables.... fireworks..... blue whale.... fish..... crabs..... lobster...... giant eel.... You wouldn't believe the spectacle, it was like town had been invaded by aliens!!

I think for the full story, you should go here.

Anyhoo, I'm tidying up my house a bit today. I've tidied up a bit at mum's house.... fed the cats and the chickens. I locked the cats out for the remainder of the day while I tidy my own house so that when I return this evening to attend to their second feeding and the ceremonial locking up of the chicken coop, accompanied by a twenty one egg salute, then I can be sure I won't have to start hoovering cat hairs or disinfecting sideboards or cleaning puke off the Rayburn..... you get the idea!!

When I sort myself out and get some pictures sorted there'll be enough for a month of pure picture blogging.... no words required..... I laughingly say "when"!!

Toodle-oo-the-noo

Let me tell you....

.... about argon. No, I'll leave you in the dark a bit longer.

Last Sunday, at a loss of where to treat my good ladyfriend to some lunch, I managed to coerce her into a trip to Marsden, and to the Riverhead. It doesn't take a genius to know that I worship at the altar of Riverhead's very own beers, and you are not alone in suspecting that my motives were not entirely "lunch" oriented... Honestly, if some beer happened to fall into my mouth whilst eating lunch, then far be it from me to object.....

Anyways.....

I decided to drive, which would of course negate the possibility of me not making it up the flight of stairs into the dining room, and from pulling up a chair at the bar instead. We got there, and decided to get a drink to take upstairs with us......

Everyone who knows me or has looked at any of my photos or knows where I MOST love to walk, will know I am mad about Cupwith Reservoir and Marsden Moor. The Riverhead brewery name their beers after local reservoirs.... I've drunk Deer Hill Porter.... Butterley Bitter..... Sparth Mild....... Black Moss Stout....... and NOW..... (insert drumroll).... Cupwith Special...... Well, if the Cupwith Special isn't one of the nicest beers I have ever drunk. I think I have died and gone to beer heaven.

Anyways......

I gets my pint of Cupwith Special, and we heads on up to the dining room. Neither of us has eaten at the Riverhead before, so it's always a gamble trying something new, but if their beer is anything to go by..... Well, my good lady chose the Sunday lunch option of the beef variety, and I chose fish and chips.

It was excellent!! I can't recommend it highly enough.... small details, like carrots flavoured (and coloured) with black treacle and courgettes with fennel seeds made it a great experience. Service excellent. Food exceptional. Beer heavenly. Price reasonable. You should go there!!

Incidentally for anyone visiting the "Festival of Light" in Huddersfield tonight.... look out for me!! I will be there somewhere. Perhaps you can spot me on this webcam? After it's all over, then head down to the Rat and Ratchet, where their guest beer is (currently) .... Cupwith Special!!! After your beer, pop next door to Lahori Taste and get yourself a fish pakora... delightful.... tell them I sent you!!

Ok, here it is then.... Argon is atomic number 18 (coinciding with day 18 of my chicken related experience) and it's also the gas that is used in your common or garden lightbulbs.... the Festival of Light..... so..... well, you can see how much thought I put into these things can't you. It's oh so deep.... and yesterday I used a "Sound of Music " reference to "Sixteen going on Seventeen" to signify the seventeenth day of penance. Watch this space for more cryptic links. It's a bit shit when you have to explain your own ideas... it's a bit like laughing at your own jokes.

The hills are alive....

... with the sound of.... well, nothing really.

A very quiet and peaceful day in Pole Moor. The kind of day where birds don't bother to flap their wings. A windless, bright, November, frosty start, which soon melted under the gentle warmth of a lowrise winter sun. The end of the day, punctuated by a ruby sunset and rising waxing crescent moon. Mellow birds indeed!!

Just the thing for a hangover!!

Had a night on the tiles with the Turtle again!! It's becoming a bit of a habit. The Rat and Ratchet's coffers are certainly benefiting from our patronage. The surprise beer of the night was, of course, another damn eight percent cider!! Biddendens Dry, which knocked our collective socks well and truly off. I hear that Biddendens also make a Sweet, and I will certainly be looking out for that little beauty.

It is, of course, day seventeen in the chicken coop. I seem to be getting the hang of it now, because there was no cat puke today, and I haven't lost any chickens for a while. Now, if the bloody internet connection would catch up, and the computer would behave.... I think I might even bring my knackered old laptop up here.

Tonight I am requested by way of a return favour, to photograph a bath. The cast iron antique bath is destined for Ebay, and is being sold by a technophobic neighbour, whose sister is going to list the item, but requires the pictures.

I lead such an exciting life, don't I?

Sweet sixteen.

A film by the magnificent Ken (Kes) Loach.

I went to the UK film premiere during the Leeds Film Festival. There were three important things to note:

1) Ken Loach was actually there and gave a little speech before the film started.

2) The film features subtitles for the first five minutes to break you into the Scottish accent (Glaswegian? I forget), after which time they disappear and you're on your own.

3) The young star of the movie was not old enough to actually sit and watch the film with us (thanks to the British Board of Film Classification and their fear of any four letter words that begin with the letter C).

Fifteen.

It is a brief update for today. I'm not wearing any!!

I jest of course....

Fifteen is a fascinating number and commonly refers to those little sliding puzzle things..... you know...... Like this one!

I've got a lot of pain in my right hand wrist, and my right leg heel. I am starting to think that there is some element of nerve damage going on, but I know a trip to the doctor will yield nothing more than a cursory examination followed by a prescription for which I could buy the same product over the counter at a much more reasonable price. I am simply going to rest them both for a few days and see if there is any change...... What a pain!! Literally. It does of course mean, I get to sit on my arse all day watching films with no real guilty conscience.

Cats: Well behaved today.
Chickens: No further losses to report.
I'm a celebrity: Really dreadfu.... BANG!....... uhhhhh.

A square pyramidal number.....

.... that lies somewhere between thirteen and fifteen.

I am two weeks into this cruel experiment. I can only imagine you are JUST as bored with it as I am!! A grand total of twenty five days remain. Even the puking cats of Pole Moor have now apparently joined me in protest and gone on hunger strike, flatly refusing to eat their churned up fish flavoured repast.

Gardening and car washing have been the order of the day. It's been a gloriously unseasonal sunny November day, which actually started with the first hard frost of the season - I guess the frost and the sunny weather today are simply symptoms of the clear skies that abound.

I can not tell you the last time I washed my car.... it's quite disturbing when you eventually look closely at the chipped paintwork, the tar-flecked panels, the moss covered crevices, and the insect plastered bumpers, of which my preferred mode of transport comprise.

Wash, rinse, wash, rinse, wash, rinse, dry, wash, dry, buff, spot the bits you missed and start again.... what a pain in the arse. I NOW remember why I never bothered washing my car before!! Still, it's strange the effect that a couple of weeks of puking cats and escaping chickens can have one you.

I'm fairly sure by the end of the week I'll be regaling you with tales of how exciting the new series of "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" is!! If I do, will someone please shoot me?

Thanks.

Unlucky for some.

Day thirteen of the house shuffling exercise, and indeed it's been very unlucky for some... well, one actually..... namely, me!! How can four cats in the space of twelve hours produce seven piles of vomit? It's really starting to piss me off to some major extent now. The cleaning of the Rayburn cooker with baked on cat vomit has long since lost its fascination.

So, here it is.... Sunday searching (again).... enjoy.

not feeling too cracky (Google)
I am not sure why you would type this into Google, or what you might be expecting to find. I can only imagine this was searched for by some G.P. sat behind a desk with a patient in front of them describing their symptoms.

"krypton egg"+blogspot+http (Google)
Oh, how we loved the Krypton Egg. It was an Atari ST classic. Written by a guy called Alexandre Kral circa 1990. I did manage to download a version for a Nokia phone at one point which was written by Xavier Kral - Alexandre's brother. After a brief exchange of emails, I can confirm that they are as cool as you might imagine. Download a copy for the Atari ST from somewhere if you can.....Perhaps the Little Green Desktop is as good a place as any to begin?

"Blog is closed" site:blogspot.com -theokara.blogspot.com (Google)
Not really sure why anyone would be searching for a website by typing its address into Google. Surely, you'd just type theokara.blogspot.com into the address bar of your chosen browser and wait for the page to load? By an by, it looks like the blog in question IS closed, but it was a portal for downloading movies from. An interesting random surf for me.

how long is the Aritic Fox? (Google)
The "Aritic" fox is actually the same size as an "Arctic" Fox.... unless you make the pedantic observation that in truetype fonts, an "i" is narrower than a "c", in which case the answer would be: Just a little bit shorter than an Arctic Fox, actually. Thank you for calling, come again.

arctic fox hunting photos (Google)
I never tire of clicking the "images" button in Google for people who haven't quite worked it out yet.

draw your brakes lyrics scotty (Google)
Thanks to spice for this, I am the ONLY person on the whole world wide web that has these lyrics on their website. See them here!!

"more tea, vicar" fart (Google)
I don't know many people who...
a) find farting quite as funny as I do....
b) repeat the phrase "more tea, vicar?" when anyone farts.
I am pleased to know that someone else was interested in this quality statement though. I think it was Worcester Dan that first brought the statement up on my blog, but I am now pleased to know that this will forever more be immortalised in Google by my reiteration.... more tea, vicar?

christmas lights in newton stewart dumfries scotland (AOL)
Have you been to Newton Stewart in Dumfries (or stupid chips as my cousins would call it) in Scotland? It's small.... and cold, and last time I was there, there were boy racers in the Somerfields car park!! I can not tell you when the lights will be switched on there, but I can say that they were switched on last year on the 1st of December - The Friday night. Perhaps the Stupid-Chips and Galloway Tourist Board may help with your enquiry? I did enjoy this article about last year's event though.... very dramatic.

eek noodle mouses (Google)
I never thought that many people would be interested in my "noodle doodle" song, and I wasn't far wrong. There have been a select few that have found my page though, and I am glad to have shared the song with the world. You can go back and read it here.

egears.co.uk problems (Google)
NEVER piss a blogger off!! That's the moral of the story. This week, it's still my second highest search criteria, and I am guessing that lots of people are also having worries or troubles about dealing with Egears. Well you want my advice? Don't bother. don't trust them. Don't waste your time and money on them.

Bloody hell.

I just came on to write my day eleven chicken maintenance diary, and to expand upon the seven deadly sins concept....

Yesterday's posting has completely disappeared!!

I wrote about Philadelphia cheese spread and some other such nonsense.... The post was successful, and yet, today, it's gone.... this has never happened to me before and I can only put it down to the fact that the computer at my mum's house just simply defies all rhyme or reason.

The growing list of things that I can't do here at Chicken Towers is growing in number and vexatious by the minute.

I refuse to play along. I am packing up my bat and ball, and going to sit in the sulky corner!!

Post update update......... I found the post that went missing.... for some wacky reason the date stamp had gone awry, and of course the blog entry wasn't in the place where it was supposed to be..... it is now, and that's yesterday.... read all about Philadelphia if you like.

Dual ten-nancy.

Ok, so I am now hopping between the two houses with alarming frequency. As an example, I think I have visited both houses today no less than three times each. I don't know whether I am coming or going, and I am uncertain as to where my slippers and pipe are.

Too blustery and wet today to even contemplate letting the chickens out. I can only hope that they are not plotting some escape plan, whilst literally being cooped up all day!!

Cats are in good shape, and even received a little bit of affection and attention, courtesy of Veronica, my good friend Turtle's Czechoslovakian lady friend. I think they quite enjoyed someone noticing them for a change, and promptly shed enough fur to make a suitably nineteen-eighties style Harris Tweed jacket!! Apart from calling them all Rupert, I think Veronica liked them.

Ah, now where was I with my not so deadly sins?

Gluttony.....

I cast my mind back to the days when I was knee high to a grasshopper. A rugrat, an anklebiter, and no mistake. I used to love Philadelphia cream cheese, especially in sandwiches. I am guessing I would be about six or seven years old, and was overjoyed to find a tub of said spreadable comestible in our fridge. Times were hard in those days, and it was a rare treat.

I decided, liking the cool white cheese as I did, that a sandwich of pure and utter indulgence would be in order. I spread the whole frikking tub into one enormous Scooby Doo style butty. It must have been an inch thick between two slices of Mother's Pride sliced white. Heaven.

I took a bite, and the senses were positively jarred.... Could this be? Had I actually discovered at a very early age, that just because you like something, it doesn't automatically follow suit that the more of it there is, the better it will be? It was frikking horrible.

I opened the window, and hoyed the sandwich out. It lay there beating, like the telltale heart. When Mama discovered the chunky white slab with visible teeth marks cut into the corner, well it didn't take a forensic expert to piece it all together......

She never forgave me for wasting this precious and rare commodity. I was sent to a boarding school, and only allowed home on every ninth Sunday. I learned my lesson, and prefer Marmite now.

Nine down...

Thirty to go....

That's just about a month of chicken maintenance left to run.

Three down.....

Four to go.......

That's nearly half way through the seven deadly sins!!

Which sin fits the bill today? Can I do sloth again?? Unfortunately, I think not.

Lust? My spate of visiting lapdancing clubs? The Nana Plaza in Bangkok?

Perhaps the "gentleman's cheese and wine party" at the Greyhound, for the "Wattle Fettlers club" (which uncannily fits in with my chicken theme too) whom I graciously printed tickets for and received a complimentary invitation for my troubles.

It consisted of some pretty dirty strippers, who were in fact offering slightly more than your usual striptease..... I grimaced as some old man tried in vain to conjure an erection whilst two girls shoved bananas where monkeys shove bad nuts.

At this point, I slipped out of the back of the bar, rolled a spliff, and sat and chatted with the girls that still had their clothes on. They were nice enough, but I still never understood what made them tick....

I can only guess it was all about money..... Lust for money!!

I h8 them!

As part of my seven deadly sins, I bring to you "envy".

Those smartarses at Kew Gardens not only upstage my "bowling cam" bu they do it with so much style and pizzazz, that I veritably covet their webcam!!

You can look at it here if you MUST!!

As for everything else, well.....

Done a bit of walking (seven or eight miles on Sunday, and to the pub last night!!)

Went to a bonfire and fireworks display (Despite being neither catholic nor protestant, I still feel aggrieved that one of Yorkshire's crazy folk should be repeatedly burned atop a fire each year with such revelry.... Especially in Yorkshire!!)

Lost another chicken (Current total is now 17)

Been out for lunch.

Watched a bit of TV

Finished a book (Ben Elton - Stark - An excellent read.)

Cleaned up "baked on" cat puke from the Rayburn in the kitchen!!

Usual stuff then.....

(Note: This is a first draft of the blog entry for today. The finished article never made it to press. We all know that blogger has a lovely "autosave" feature, and the ability to save a document at any time you wish as you type it, but nobody has contended with this paranoid android of a computer that I am writing it with..... "SecurityToken: Your request could not be processed. Please try again." is all it tells me, and the final edit falls out of the printer port onto the floor, to be swept up with all the cat hairs.

Seven deadly sins.

Sloth.......

End of message!!

Sunday search for six.

Day six Pole Moor diaries.

No introduction necessary by now. You all should know what my Sunday Search terms are all about, and if you don't then look back at the last few Sunday postings to get the idea.

what would happen if the arctic fox died (Google)
The first thing you would probably notice would be a severe lack of blog entries. I'm touched that you're already planning how best to cope without me, but it's a little premature!!

Jenni Falconer porn (Google)
Hahaha, one minute it's Jenni's anti-smoking campaign. No sooner have I scratched that itch for you, than you want what?? Seriously, I'm not sure there's any Jenni Falconer porn out there, she is far too busy presenting televisual gold, like the lottery and Cirque du Celebrite to need any extra exposure!! You're just not going to find it, and don't just take that from me, here's someone who has spent more time than I ever would researching it.

pinch and a punch first day of the month cut off (Google)
In my twisted little world, the rules of "pinch and a punch for the first of the month" are as follows:

a) You may pinch and punch anyone until midday of the first day of the month.

b) Once you have been pinched and punched yourself, you may not pinch and punch any further until the next month.

c) You may not pinch and punch anyone who pinched and punched you first.

d) You must declare "pinch and punch for the first of the month" as you pinch and punch your victims.

The rules above are completely made up and I accept no responsibility for anything that happens to anyone, ever!

egears (and any other derivatives) (Any search engine)
So many people have found my site searching for egears that it's now the second highest commonly searched for item that leads people here. I still maintain that you should not touch them with a barge pole. Find someone who will give you some customer service and satisfaction instead.

adopt a arctic fox (Google)
I am open to offers... highest bid wins!!

fox halloween porn (Google)
What the?? I can only reiterate, perhaps you should try here?
(pictures seem to broken to me, but mebbe that's just this freaking computer?)

rodney allen greenblatt (Google)
Try "Rodney alan Greenblat".... or go here instead!! I once almost persuaded Rodney to allow me to create a website for him.... almost!! Father of Parappa the Rapper of course!

HEBDEN BRIDGE BONFIRE 2007 ENTRANCE FEE PRICE (Google)
If you gotta pay to see a bonfire then you're barking up the wrong tree... i.e. a tree that's on fire!! For Hebden Bridge, you'd surely be better visiting the Hobbit's massive bonfire extravaganza.... in fact it's probably a bit late for that now... never mind.... but seriously DON'T pay to see a bonfire!!

gave up smoking indigestion (Google)
The nicotine lozenges that I started taking to get me off the cancer sticks did indeed give me (amongst other symptoms) indigestion. Persevere... buy Zantac, Gaviscon, Chewable Rennies, Tums, anything... all of them.... it's still cheaper and better for you than smoking... Good luck!!

knock knock jokes porcine (Google)
I'm such a fan of this search, it's untrue. Porcine knock knock jokes, it's deliciously correct. I like it so much, I give to you....
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pig
Pig who?
Pig up your feet or you'll Twip!

Just take five.

I am feeling relaxed today. Despite waking up with a banging headache and no internet connection.... some things are going my way.

First: Spice, yes your suggestion of "Chicken Rhythm" was duly noted and fulfilled. You know what? I like it!! Let's not think this means I am now playing requests though!! You've all got your own bloody blogs to fill with nonsense!! Hope everyone enjoys the new tune and spares a thought for me while I am "mucking out" this week!!

Second: Part of the reason behind today's headache was a few pints at the Barge and Barrel in Elland last evening. I think the "Bargee" was not quite up to scratch and may account for the thick head. What I did taste there, however, was something that launched me into beery heaven. Black Bee - A honey porter. I have recently discovered that (as a life long devotee of Chestnut Mild) I like mild and I like Guinness.... imagine my surprise to find a drink that falls inbetween the two.... and then to find a very nice honey brewed version of said drink..... paradise!!

Third: I am taking Dawn out tonight for a meal. She has been working really hard lately, and we don't always get the time together that she deserves... especially since I am confined to the chicken coop m0st nights..... It's not so much that I can't go out, as much as how bad I would feel if anything happened when I WAS out. We are going for noodles to Leeds... to Fuji Hiro.... one of our all time favourites.

Fourth: The bowling club at the back of my house has finally erected a smoking shelter!!!! It has been a constant source of disgruntlement to me, but amusing to webcam viewers, that the smokers congregate outside the door of the club, just outside my bedroom window. It gets quite noisy with the window open at night. Well, if you've been glued to "bowling cam" today, you'd have seen them putting up a smoking shelter at the other side of the club. Hooray!! It also means that anyone wishing to go to the club, will now (hopefully) no longer have to walk through a group of smokers blowing their wares in your face! I sound like a sanctimonious ex-smoker already!!

Fifth: It's a beeee-yooo-teeeee-ful day!! I've been "twitching" in the garden at Pole Moor. Not as a side effect of copious amounts of real-ale, and subsequent lack of it..... but in the fashion of bird-watching. There's some lovely birds out there. A similar bunch to the ones I get at home, but with a few differences...... Out there: Regular visits by pairs of blackbirds. The kestrel is never far away and is a delightful sight hovering over the fields. Thrushes.... I've seen quite a few of them, and it's not uncommon to see two or three chasing each other round the vegetable patches - Not sure if they are song or mistle. Wren, the little wren, my favourite bird.

Five and a halfth: I know this was supposed to be a Saturday Sample blog, but I forgot!! I thought it was Friday!! I've been Pole Moored!!

Channel 4.

Channel 4 is twenty five years old. Carol Vorderman looks a darn sight better now than she did on that first ever countdown show. She's a vixen.... thinking man's crumpet!!

Spent the day reading books, and practicing with my new camera.... Obviously I would like to show you the results of my efforts, but this computer doesn't allow me to upload anything.

Of course I could make the short trip home.... I could make the short trip home to check my post.... I could make the short trip home to check my email when the internet doesn't work here (there was 12 hours yesterday without internet again!!).... I could make the short trip home to read the blogs.... I could make the short trip home to write a blog..... I could make the short trip home to take a shower..... I could make the short trip home to cook food because the Aga here takes a couple of hours to reach cooking temperature...... I could make the short trip home to offload my photography and upload some samples.... I could make the short trip home to upload the items I have been scanning in, which are all from a box of memories, that I was going to upload and write about each day that I am house sitting.... I could make the short trip home to watch TV..... I could make the short trip home any time and as many times a day as necessary.....

That's not the point.....

Living in two houses is hard work. I am trying to minimise the disruption and to at least call one of the houses my "base". It would therefore make sense, that, having been trusted to look after my mum's house, and the fact that there are at least two feeding times and a chucking out and a locking up time, the "base" ought to be here at Pole Moor. It also makes sense because I have neighbours to watch over MY house, but there are none at Pole Moor.

I know I moan about it, I know I get angry when nothing works here. It just takes a little time to settle down to living in a house that isn't your own house, and I am sure the same would apply whether it were one hundred miles or one hundred yards away.

I am settling into the pace....

I am ready for some beer this weekend, that's for sure!!

Three....

And that's the magic number.

I am starting to relax into the Pole Moor pace of life.

I managed to get my USB Freeview adapter working last night, and it found a fair few channels. so long as I watch television on the computer, I don't have to miss too much now. Heroes was the evening's viewing highlight for me. A real treat.

Today, having let the chickens out into a wind tunnel filled with sideways-rain, and cleaned a veritable mountain of cat puke up, I went back to my house. I read the blogs, had a shower, collected a few more clothes, and tidied up a bit. My house is starting to feel a bit cold and unlived in now. I put the heating on for an hour and played a bit of Pogo.

Blip - Another internet disconnection......

Undeterred, I type on.

Settled into Pole Moor this afternoon - That is, up until the point where I decided it might be nice to watch a video!! Remember videos?? Well, the setup here, like the weather, is wild and unpredictable. After thirty minutes "rewiring" of the TV, the video recorder and the DVD writer, I was watching Whisky Galore (one of my all-time-favourites) and within thirty more minutes, of course I was fast asleep.

I am sure I have broken my heel. It's very painful, and I thought it was an achilles heel injury. When I cast my mind back to what I might have done to cause so much pain and damage, I was reminded of a time in a changing room somewhere, when I pulled on some trousers and caught the back of my heel on the wooden seat in the cubicle. I hit it quite hard, and it did bleed. I had forgotten all about it. I am thinking that recent walking expeditions have aggravated this injury. I really can't live with the concept that I might not be able to walk more than a few miles, or indeed be able to ride my bike. I don't know how long I should wait for it to mend itself before I visit a Google searching doctor about it.

Internet still down..... 11 minutes later and I am back again.

Adopt a Geordie accent now.

Day two in the Big Mother's house. Fox is trying to photograph birds in the garden. Unfortunately, it's not his garden, and the birds are none too pleased at being pursued by a peeping tom, and in due course call the police. It's the price you pay for being a novice photographer.... A well known member of the paparazzi may well have requested a payment in the region of three-hundred-thousand simoleans for the effort!!

I am thinking of buying a "freeview" box for my mum's house. The choice of five channels is such an alarming, disarming contrast with my hundred and odd usual choices, that I don't think I will make it through the week without a little more choice. Hell, I don't even think I will make it through the night knowing that I am missing next week's episode of "Heroes" on BBC3.

The folks finally made it to Australia... their final destination. Mum called at around midday today, which of course, is eleven at night, tonight, in their time in Sydney. How strange is that? They had quite a rough journey, but then a whole day on an aeroplane is not many peoples' idea of fun, is it?

I seem to have mislaid (pardon the pun) a chicken already. I am reliably informed there should be nineteen, but I have only managed to find eighteen of them. At this rate, I'll be out of a job within a week.

Grey.... That's what we have today.... a cloak of greyness. Grey skies, grey clouds, grey light. Flat and very uninviting. I am disappointed that the weather has not been conducive to getting out and about with my new camera..... not that there is any software to do anything with the sodding photos when I've taken them. I am thinking of bringing my old laptop up here, just so I can touch some familiar software......

Note: You can not touch software!! The old rule of computing thumb is.... If you can kick it, it's hardware. If you can't kick it, it's software, unless of course it's firmware, which is software you can kick!! Got that?? Good!

And now.... I have been trying to find a positive out of house-sitting here at Pole Moor, and you know what?? I think I may have found it. As you may know, it's halloween tonight. I won't be celebrating. The nearest neighbour here is a good few hundred metres away, and the likelihood of half-hearted adolescents in hoodies knocking on my door for sweets, in breach of their ASBOs, is negligible. That's my positive.

Oh, bugger, you've probably just realised that while I am sitting here at my mum's house in peace and quiet, there is a ninety percent chance that the ingredients for Yorkshire pudding are being plastered across the front of my own house because I wasn't there to fire my air rifle at the delinquents of Outlane!! Negative!!

Thirty nine steps.

Anyone who has followed my blog for any amount of time will know, without even having to think about it, that whenever I have to look after my mum's house at Pole Moor.....

I get extremely pissed off!!

Today is the start of thirty nine days of house sitting, of chicken husbandry, of cat caring, of shattered internet connections, and limited televisual experiences.

Eighteen chickens.

Four cats.

No internet. Well internet that is so temperamental that I have been trying to create a blog entry for nigh on six hours now.

Browsers that don't perform as they should - A combination of Opera, Firefox, and Internet Exploder will not (between them) allow me to publish a single photograph to my blog. A combination of windows internal firewall and the browsers' individual security settings are all arguing with each other.

Unfamiliar, unresponsive and frankly frustrating collection of photo editing software. I scanned a bunch of photographs earlier (for the purpose of my blog) and had to crop them.... It took me bloody hours for what should have been a ten minute exercise. The irony of this wasted time, is of course that the fourteen images I now have won't post.

A paranoid over zealous installation of Zonelabs Zonealarm (additional firewall), that won't let me fart without sticking a cork where monkeys shove bad nuts.

I've been house sitting for approximately twelve hours of the thirty nine days, and I am already tearing my hair out. Stay tuned for a complete and utter breakdown, which I predict will happen sometime around Thursday.

Praise.

All too easy it is to moan about companies like:

Comet - Apart from anything, just around the corner I could buy the same item for half of the price anyway. Was there really any need to have your staff follow me "nonchalantly" as if to examine stock on the shelves?

PCWorld - It's staffed by semi-literate chimpanzees. Under normal circumstances, I would not touch this place with a barge pole. They are over priced, over staffed, under qualified, and predatory in their sales techniques. All the products I was interested in today were on the shelves without any prices attached to them. Why the hell would I buy anything under those conditions?

Egears - Ah, the old Egears.co.uk transaction. I know for a fact that about half a dozen people have already found my tale of woe through search engines, and Egears.co.uk certainly don't deserve to be let off the hook yet. Avoid them at all costs.

And so, it comes to pass...... The camera order was cancelled, and re-ordered through Digital First. I think it was spice-the-cat who mentioned them.

Anyway.....

I ordered the camera at two of the clock on Friday afternoon. A silly time to place an order by anyone's standards. Surprisingly enough, four hours (yes HOURS not days, nor weeks, nor even months) later, I receive the email telling me my item has been dispatched. Barring catastrophe, that would mean it arrives on Monday, oh wait, that's today.... and bugger me, if I am not holding in my hand a new camera!!

Now that's what I call music to my ears.

A supplier who does what they should, when they should, and how they bloody well should.

And so, my golden supplier award goes out to: Digital First. By all means use them, they were superb.

Stay tuned for a seemingly never ending stream of random bad photography.

In other news:

I have updated my media player thingummy-plugin-abob. It's now driven by a shockwave player or something. Don't ask me, I'm just the leech that passes these things on.

Welcome back Toad.... You were gone, but not frogotten!!

Spice - Thanks for the tip-off.... also, if the vocal did not come in when it did, then of course it would have been an instrumentalist!!

Anyone fancy going to see the Vienna Vegetable Orchestra with me in Huddersfield at the end of November(ish)??

Aaron - Tanks for the media player thing and the summary of what was busted.

Tony - Were you really at Krumlin 70? That's a right bit of local kudos!!

Savannah - Welcome, and hopefully all fixed now.

Yorkshire Pud - I am definitely NOT doing any form of "stand-up" in the Rat and Ratchet..... After a few pints of the latest "guest" beer or cider, standing up becomes a bit of a problem.

It's Sunday....

And we all know what that means don't we, children?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.... It's search engine Sunday.

The following is a list of search criteria that people used, and for some reason ended up on my page. In order to redress the search engine imbalance, I offer the "real" answers to the questions that get asked.

orbit nightclub morley (Google)
There's only one place to go if you ever went to the Orbit, or wondered what it was all about. Pay a visit to the Orbituary. Tell them I sent you, and you're on the guest list.

egears.co.uk (Google)
After my recent experience, in which: I ordered a camera, and waited the required amount of time for it to arrive, during which time the item had never even been dispatched. I emailed them to ask whether they had any stock, and they didn't even reply to this email. I cancelled the order and reordered through someone else (positive feedback for the new supplier is likely to happen on Monday if said item arrives. As far as I can see, egears are still trying to charge my credit card (although the internet bit is quite slow on my card so I won't know until my next statement). Suffice to say.... Don't touch egears.co.uk with a barge pole!!

golcar beer (AOL)
Yes, I do know a little about Golcar beer, having made a concerted effort in the last couple of weeks to drink as much and as varied a selection of local beers as I can find. The Golcar beers I have drunk are Golcar Mild and Pennine Gold. The Golcar beers are available at the Rose and Crown in Golcar. My advice is not to go there when football or rugby is on, unless of course that's what you like with a pint. The Golcar mild tastes deceptively strong for a 3.2 percenter, and the Pennine Gold was a really nice pint of bitter. Well worth the trip to their boozer in Golcar. Gimme a shout and I'll come with ya.

"wessenden wheat"+riverhead (Google)
I drank Wessenden Wheat at the Huddersfield Oktoberfest. Admittedly, I had already had a few drinks, and was looking for something to knock my socks off (in terms of it being outstanding, not necessarily potent).... Well, the Riverhead make nice beers. Their Sparth Mild is exceptional, as is the Deer Hill Porter, or for bitter, try a pint of Butterley. The Wessenden Wheat, however, was not that brilliant... I would expect a wheat beer to be cloudy for a start, and it just wasn't. It was a bitter by any other name, and Butterley would serve the purpose better. We can go there after Golcar ok?

amount of tar injested from smoking (Google)
Depends on your choice of cigarettes of course!! My old brand were 8mg of tar each. I smoked forty of them each day. So, that's 8mg X 40 cigs per day X 365 days in the year (not counting leap years, just in case anyone feels fit to make an issue of it) = 116800mg = 116.8g = 4.12Oz per year, which incidentally is the same weight as this.

FREE DOWNLOAD of lunar jetman (Google)
Don't download it, play it online.

next blog button avoid porn (Google)
Well, if you ever read my Saturday Sample blogs (all two of them) you'll know that I have issues with the "Next Blog" button and how it works. You can't avoid porn. You CAN however (if they haven't removed the "Navbar" that contains the "next blog" button) click the "Flag Blog" which should notify Blogger of questionable content. I have been on a site that had been flagged and it contained a "blogger" imposed "are you 18 or over" type question before you were allowed access. It's lame, but that's the way Blogger operates.

mindfrik (MSN)
What a great search term to uncover. I am google's number one ranked "mindfrik" candidate, and if you do a google image search on mindfrik, then it turns up three images, and they are all from my blog!!!!

map for where the arctic fox lives (Google)
I'd say pretty much stick a pin in the map and you won't be too far away.

JENNI FALCONER ON SMOKING (Google)
Ok, I think I've finally got to the bottom of this fetish and you can read about it here.

Saturday sample.

As promised, a couple of weeks ago, and never fully delivered..... I bring to you.... A Saturday Sample of "next blog" activity.

I sample twenty "next blog" examples and summarise the findings.

Today's results:

Twenty blogs sampled.

8 Blogs were spam.
4 Of the spam blogs hijacked me (got rid of the next blog button and removed the "back" functionality of my browser and tried to install software) and launched further adverts.
6 Blogs written exclusively by women.
1 Blog written by dogs.
2 Indian blogs.
1 Norwegian blog
1 Italian blog.
0 British blogs.
1 Blog features pictures of roses and poetry and made me feel sick.
1 Blog was entirely about kitchen interiors.
1 Blog featured really poor jokes and quotes.

The standard of blogging on offer to me today was VERY poor. The best blog I found today was written by dogs. I ONLY wish they would not use a camera with a flash, that fires directly into an animal's eyes!!

Here it is!

Cop out.

Bloody hell. Sometimes you realise that what you do is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Tonight, I stood, in one of Huddersfield's "real ale" pubs (which is admittedly why I was there... ale) and it was apparently "open mic" night.

Rarely have I been to such an event, and perhaps more surprisingly, even more rarely would I knowingly frequent such an event...... but let me tell you this.... Britain's got talent!!!

There was a chap there, who chose to recite poetry.... in front of a drunken crowd?? This guy was rocketing up in my estimation.

By the end of his performance, two pieces.... one about two pandas shagging, and one written specifically for the venue, the rat and ratchet.... (rat and rat-shit.... if you didn't get it), I was completely hooked.

I could do no more. I did something I have never done before, and wrote my email address and blog address on a piece of paper, tried to encourage the chap (in my inimitably amateur way) and hoped he would get in touch.

I live to deliver a video of the panda poem to you all.

I hope, and this is not showboating, but, I hope if he comes to see me, that he will see:

Toast.

and.......

Gonzo.

Two extreme examples of what happen here.

All hail, the people who make unexpected things happen, the world over.

I kneel in silent prayer. I write stupid words from behind a keyboard, but I would never DARE to stand up in front of a crowd and speak such things..... listen to the tune over the top..... it's a truth I'd never dare speak!!!

Enjoy.

Oh, a brief update to this posting: I promised myself not to go drunken blogging, but there ya go!! Don't drink and blog!!

Full moon madness....

The full moon is upon us. The madness begins. This full moon does not bring cuckoo, crazy, muhahahahah type madness.... it brings an angry, bitter, cheated madness, that has me firing off emails, left, right, and dead centre!!

By now, you all may be aware that I have recently ordered a camera. It's taken me a while to take the plunge, and I've lost count of the number of cameras that made it into my virtual shopping trolley (or cart if you prefer, to be pedantic that is!!), but never made it as far as the checkout before being virtually dumped in a random position amongst the shelves of the virtual store.

Virtual random shopping.... you don't see much evidence of it really.

Anyhoo.....

The order was placed at 4pm on Sunday afternoon. The "stock" status declared that the item "normally" ships within 1 to 3 working days. Fair enough. I sit back and let the days elapse. I notice the credit card I used has a pending transaction for the requisite amount..... And I wait.

Yesterday afternoon (exactly three working days and half a non-working day later) I have still had no update, and my order still hasn't received a tracking number, and I am under the impression that it is in fact no nearer reaching my sweaty outstretched palms than it was three working days (and half a non-working day) previously.

Contact us.... The last hope. I click the button, fill in their questionnaire style contact form and click "submit". I am warmly welcomed by a screen that tells me "You will receive a reply from us within the next 24 hours".........

Twenty six hours later, and I haven't even had an email to confirm that they have received my query, that they are looking into it, that they are even still a trading company.

I fire off one last email, which I enclose for your amusement:

I am requesting cancellation of the following order.
Your Order, XXXXX at eGears UK

Your website has stated that dispatch would be 1 to 3 working days. The order was placed 4 working days ago and has still not been dispatched and this constitutes a breach of agreement.

I emailed you through this facility yesterday, and was told that I would receive a reply within 24 hours. This has not happened either. Another breach of customer agreement.

Please consider this order now cancelled, and I will be contacting my credit card company in the morning to pursue the pending transaction you have lodged there, with no apparent intention to deliver the ordered item.

It certainly has NOT been a pleasure doing business with you, and rest assured, this experience will be read by hundreds of people on my blog.

Thanks for nothing.
Jason Weaver.

I am now fully anticipating a several month long wrangle to get my money back and to ensure that they do not repeatedly try to deliver said camera in the very distant future. I don't want it, I won't be messed about, if your stock status makes a claim then you should honour it or explain yourself, you should answer all queries promptly. On the basis that they have failed all the objectives listed, I have no intention of giving them my money, and of course, would urge anyone else looking for customer service....

Never use http://www.egears.co.uk/

I run outside and howl at the moon......

Pogo schmogo.....

I play games online at a site called Pogo. Every Wednesday, they issue us with a pair of weekly challenges, that in return for our participation, eventually rewards us with a virtual badge, which we can wear in the chat rooms, and they appear alongside our names as we speak.

This week the challenges were in a special halloween slot machine game, called (imaginatively) Spooky Slots, and the other badge was in Hangman Hijinks (a variation on the old hangman game of course).

Well, the badges took me, wait for it: 29 minutes for the pair.

A new personal Pogo record.... now, what the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of the damn week?

In lieu of this impasse, I give to you two sites of amazing and bedazzling wonderment.

Enjoy.

Wow 1 !! - Thanks Sitemeter for tipping me off that someone had viewed my page this way!!

Wow 2 !! - Thanks Rol... What an amazing sight. I felt sick just looking at the photos.

Howling....

I've spent the best part of the last two days preparing my disks for the imminent arrival (I laughingly refer to the arrival, when I can plainly see that the item has not yet reached a stage of despatched!!) of my new camera.

I am (finally) putting all the photographs together, and all the mp3s together, and storing them conveniently on an external disk I purchased a while back. Tidy and neat, neat and tidy.... but a little slower than your conventional disk of course!! It's USB and my computers are all so old that I still don't have a USB2 port anywhere.

Well, before I go on to discuss whatever it was I came here to discuss, I'd like to mention that, in doing this "housekeeping" exercise, I've discovered quite a lot of really great music. Bargain. I updated the music on this site yesterday, which finally got rid of the yodelling Oktoberfest themed song, and replaced it with LFO..... but then I found this album by LazyB called Listen. It's made me laugh extremely hard. I couldn't deprive you of a piece of it now could I? (It's a whole album of positive message endorphin driven stuff.... very feel good indeed).

And now.... on to other matters.....

I've had such a rash of comments lately that I can't keep up.... let me try to address a few and tackle some of the things that I wanted to tackle, which crossed over with the comments/ queries/ suggestions.

First, I'm chuffed to little mint balls that people liked my photo of Emley Moor Mast in the glorious sunshine yesterday morning. It was a real buzz to take the pictures off my camera and discover that one amongst them..... none of the others were quite so vibrant. Thanks for your kind words about it.

Second.... How do I wake up so early?? Well at around seven in the morning I always seem to wake up.... If I have nothing to do, then I sometimes turn over and go back to sleep. More often than not, I get up, check my email, go to the toilet, look out the window, make sure "bowling cam" is running, check if I caught any more mice..... then maybe back to bed. Looking out the window, I spied (again) a great sunrise and within ten minutes I was out of the house and half way up the hill..... seize the moment!!

Third..... Despite Yorkshire Pudding's red herrings, I am convinced that I have opted for the best camera on the market that falls within my meagre price bracket. There was a time when money was no concern..... things are different now. I am sure it will be a lot of fun finding out what we can do together (the camera and I).

Fourth..... Tripods......

That was the whole point of me posting today, was to discuss tripods.

I already have a tripod, but it is a cheap thing. It doesn't have any bubbles or heads or anything fancy, and it is quite limiting in what I can do with it. So, I started to look for a new tripod to go with my new kit. I remembered a review of tripods in a camera magazine, that featured an award winning budget tripod, and dug it out.

Having found the magazine and the page with my recommended tripod.... set about trying to locate said item on the interweb, but to no avail. The review was from March of this year, and already the item has been discontinued and vanished from the face of the earth. Typical.

If anyone has a Calumet CK6143 stashed away anywhere that they don't want, then drop me a line......

So, I'm stuck what to do.

Pixie.... the Gorilla is ok for what it is, but it's just a table top tripod that has bendy legs and can wrap round things. It doesn't do the things I need, and certainly would be no use in a wildlife situation. I have a table top pod, but not one that will grip something, but I've never needed to grip anything. I can imagine a rock climber might have use for it, but not sure who else would. (I'm not even going to mention that I think they are outrageously overpriced, although kudos indeed to Joby for offering packaging free versions!!)

Spice..... I thought about a monopod, but you can't leave it unattended for those lovely self timers can you?? If they made a monopod that doubled as a spring loaded walking stick, then I might consider it, for the dual purpose, but other than that I'm not convinced. I am sure that it will feature as part of my kit somewhere down the line though.

Looks like it's back to the drawing board for me..... Unless I double my budget!!

Well, I am looking for a link for monopods, and blow me down, if they don't make them as walking sticks, AND they come with ball and socket heads...... requires more investigation - I see the ones that do what I need are still WAY too expensive!!

Annoyed.

I am managing to annoy myself with a choice of blogging topics. I have started today's entry several times, and have been dissatisfied with each and every effort thus far. Too many small items to discuss makes for a very messy and protracted piece of disjointed garbage. What can I do?

Do you want to hear about the lovely beers I managed to drink at the Barge and Barrel beer festival, or about the dark mild at the Star in Lockwood, or even the Moorhouse's Black Cat at the Nook in Holmfirth?

How about a little piece about my walk around Holmfirth? A taste of Summer Wine country, guided as always by an Ordnance Survey map, and the ever flawed AA 50 Walks in West Yorkshire book. When they say turn right, they mean left. When they say one hundred yards, they may mean twenty, they may mean four hundred. It's a guessing game.

How about the muscle I've pulled in my stomach? My damaged achilles tendon? The problems I am having with my hand, wrist and forearm? The blotchy dry skin patches.... Vitamins, creams, potions, lotions.....

Conker fighting? Clackers?

After spending a year with no source of income, I am starting to worry about spending all of my money. So, with a small wince and a great deal of trepidation, I have finally managed to make it through the checkout procedure on a website, to purchase..... wait for it..... a new camera!! I blame Kenny for this irrational purchase... His talk and enjoyment of consumerism has driven me to the point of coveting my neighbour's white goods!!

So here it is... in all its glory.... my new camera.... coming to a blog near you soon. I am SO looking forward to getting my hands on it.

Inspired by my rash purchase, last evening, it was much easier to jump out of bed this morning when I spied a golden sunrise. Armed with my camera, and wearing a Tshirt, at seven thirty in the A of the M, standing atop Scapegoat Hill, shivering and freezing, I managed to pull of this masterstroke! I dedicate this to Spice The Cat, for his tireless, inspirational, motivational comments and efforts (they used to call it nagging!).

Enjoy!

Search engine Sunday.

As promised, here's another installment of my search engine criteria, that brought people to my blog. I will also take this opportunity to apologise for lack of blog activity this week.... normal service will be resumed as soon as I get a minute to sit on my arse!!

cows go clang (Google)
Now, everyone knows cows don't go "clang" they do of course go "bong" in the poem by the late, great Spike Milligan.

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!

"war what is it good for" (Google)
I'll gladly tell you. Absolutely nothing, my friend, in fact I believe this to be so absolute that I will reiterate for poignant effect. Absolutely nothing.

Fry's Five Centre bar (AOL)
Yes, indeed!! What did happen to that lovely bar of chocolate that contained five different segmented fruity fillings?? I can tell you that Fry's (the original manufacturers) eventually became Cadbury's, and the "five centres" bar ceased to be produced in 1992.

huddersfield "zombie slouch" (Google)
I originally blogged about this a while ago..... here's the flyer in case anyone else fancies it. It's on October 27th.


spiced ginger preserve (Google)
Oh, a lovely preserve indeed, and one of my favourites on a hot buttered muffin. I originally blogged about the death of a jar of said preserve. Perhaps the scariest "in-depth" review of this preserve can be found here. If you can find anything more scary written about ginger preserve then please feel free to let me know.

jenny falconer +smoking (Google)
Not the first time that a search for Jenni (note the "i" not a "y") smoking has brought people here. I have tried to find something on the web that links the two items together in order that I can point you the right way, but this must be some really "hardcore" fetish. I can't find it. I HAVE met her.... she DOESN'T like me..... and.... I can't remember if she smokes or not!!

v for vendetta (Google)
Comic or film? Film, forget it. Comic, make me an offer for the original 1980's ten issue first printing..... it could be yours if the price is right. The comics are fantastic. The film, you're welcome to borrow the DVD off me, I won't even ask for any security, as it would not pain me in any way to never see it again.

what do arctic foxes look like (Google)
Google images is your friend.

where does the arctic fox (Google)
I love this search. Imagine that the "Arctic" is a person, and that there is a verb to "fox". Where does the arctic fox? All over the damn place I would imagine!! If you wanted to know where the Arctic fox lives, then of course it's in the Arctic you moron!!

msn ten day weather harrogate (Google)
Can be found here!

Two stupid dogs.

Well, I'll say there are two idiots today.

I'm an idiot for contributing to "Blog Action Day" by writing something about the environment.... But I forgot to register on the website, so I guess my efforts were in vain. That does, of course, depend on how much influence you would credit my next idiot with.....

Idiot two for today, is awarded to those lovely people that run the "Blog Action Day" website. They're either too busy drinking nettle wine, or reclaiming jumpers from those little tufts of wool that you find on barbed wire to notice:

a) If you are going to hold an event on a specific date, then your promotional materials (specifically the banners and buttons provided) ought to at least carry the date that the event will be held....
b) For at least a day or two after the event, it might be prudent to NOT delete or move the webpages that you have encouraged all your participants to link to. The following day "Blog Action Day" decided to remove all their promotional graphics, and of course if you look back at my October 15th posting, you'll clearly see at the top of it..... well, nothing, and that's my point. Bloody idiots!!

Question: What would happen if every blog published posts on the same topic, on the same day? One issue. One day. Thousands of voices.
Answer: I, for one, won't be participating in such a poorly run "event" again. That's not to say I won't talk about the environment, but I don't need the help of someone else to do it.

Can you tell they've annoyed me a little? I've been spitting feathers. Choking on my own bile. Too upset to write a word. Not true, of course, but I AM annoyed by it.

I'm also slightly annoyed that, at some point, early this morning, I turned over in bed, briefly opened my eyes and saw the most amazing golden autumnal sunrise that you could possibly imagine. The thought of jumping out of bed and grabbing my camera and running into the street skimmed like a flat stone across the surface of my brain, before it sank to the murky depths below. I turned over and went back to sleep.

I'm looking out of the window now, at the flattest, most grey, windless, unphotogenic October morning in the history of evolution.

I guess there is a lesson in there somewhere.... I know there's a lesson about photography and that you have to catch those "golden" moments for great pics, but there's something deeper.... .... I don't know, I'm sure it will come to me as soon as the nurse has given me a bed bath and put cream all over my bed sores.

Every action force.....

... has an equal and opposite reaction force. Thus spake the wisdom of Isaac Newton.

That would, by definition make today a day of:

Blog inaction day.

Read no evil, write no evil.....

Today, as you may or may not know, is Blog Action Day. Bloggers of the world are uniting in a single cause, and that cause is (insert drum roll here) "the environment".

Now, in my mind, which runs off on a million tangential paths simultaneously at the mention of blogging about "the environment", there becomes immediately two ways to view this topic.... One way to look at it, is how we are devastating our little blue cosmic marble, and the other is to look at it as a creative hook. Surely it all depends on your definition of "the environment"?

I had planned to write a little piece today about how much I had enjoyed the Marsden Jazz Festival this weekend.... and the gears click into place.

Firstly, we walked to the Jazz Festival on Sunday lunchtime, along the canal. What I CAN say is that the advancements we have made in recent years, with regard to how we view and treat these monumental waterways, is refreshing indeed. For years, the humble canal fell into disrepair and disregard. Fettered with shopping trolleys, carrier bags, and foul stinking water. Now these revolutionary transport paths have had life breathed back into them.

The chosen mode of transport into Marsden allowed me to exercise a love of the natural surroundings, to neutralise my carbon footprint, and to enjoy and endorse these wonderful canal towpaths.

In Marsden, I headed for the Riverhead public house, which serves beer that is brewed on the premises. The fact that the beer has not had to travel to reach the pumps, and subsequently my stomach, makes me feel a whole lot better. I think we can safely say, I managed to drink the planet a little bit healthier!!

I also managed to drink some beer in Golcar at the Rose and Crown (which is a dreadful pub) where the beer is also brewed locally. Golcar Mild, Pennine Gold...... delicious stuff.

If that weren't enough, let me tell you about another "green" policy I have recently introduced to my life.

Carrier bags. Horrible plastic things for carrying shopping in. A travesty of both design and environmental consideration. The handles are so bad, that when the bags are loaded to their capacity, the circulation to your fingertips is completely shut off. The black fingertip syndrome even prompted some brainbox to create another lovely petroleum based plastic product which you can loop the handles around to avoid this problem. They don't (in the main) biodegrade, and almost all, if not every single one of them, eventually ends up in our rubbish bins and dumped in a landfill.

Well, for a rather nominal fee, you can purchase some rather fetching alternatives to these plastic bags. The ones that you can buy at Tesco, that are made of a sort of hessian material (maybe it's jute?) and have nicely designed handles, will easily fit twice as much in them as a carrier bag. They cost one pound. They are comfy to carry, and if you keep them in the car, then you'll never forget them when you hit the supermarket aisles.... I suppose a greener version of this story would be to keep them in your walking trouser pockets, but I don't know many people who walk to the supermarket to do their "Friday big shop", so let's be realistic.

It's a small step for man, and a giant gulp for mankind.

We all know the pack drill.... Don't boil more water in the kettle than you need.... Turn off the tap when you are brushing your teeth...... A full freezer functions better than one that is half empty..... Recycle..... Use public transport...... Don't put your telly on "standby"...... Don't buy fruit that has travelled three thousand miles to reach your supermarket shelves....... Feel free to add to the list.

Christ on a bike, I nearly forgot.... feed the birds!!!

Search engine Sunday.

As promised... by me, previously, yesterday in fact, I am going to do a Sunday roundup of the search engine criteria that brought people into my blog. The idea of picking (what I would consider) the most humorous or desirable searches and writing about them in order to perpetuate their relevance is one that I adore.

First: This isn't an easy option and takes much longer than an average blog, and believe me, my blog is VERY average!!
Second: We all might learn something!!

Behold, I give to you:

rat trap b&q (Google)
If you are after a humane rat trap from B&Q then my advice would be.... Don't bother, I've got one that cost me fifteen quid that never caught a thing. You can have it for free, but you've got to collect it!!

why would anyone choose arctic fox (Google)
As opposed to what? Chicken?? Steak?? Curried goat?? No, I think I'll have some arctic fox to start, followed by fillet of swan.

what did frank skinner play on banjo (Google)
I watched it (Play it Again - a BBC series) and I couldn't tell you. At one point he played Duelling Banjos with the band, Hayseed Dixie. The final bluegrass competition that he famously mucked up, I have no idea what he played.

arctic fox halloween costume (Google)
Try this on for size!!! Scares the heck outta me!!

turnip carving (Google)
Fascinating that someone should be looking for this. Before we all went Starbucks and McDonald's and suddenly found our supermarkets full of pumpkins every October... we used to indulge ourselves in the ancient Celtic art of making lanterns out of turnips. Swedes to be exact!! Long live the turnip... death to pumpkins!! Be careful!

"solve the problem of food shortage in the world" (Yahoo)
Let them eat pumpkin soup, or the hollowings from crafted turnip lanterns. Alternatively try clicking this!

What does the arctic fox look like in summer (Google)
Similar to how it looks in winter, but with a T-shirt and sunglasses!!

karma dentist (Google)
Wow, I never knew there was such a thing as a caring dentist. A dentist who isn't motivated by money or the joy of inflicting pain.... it's a grand marketing ploy that's for sure.

arctic fox, it's a setup lyrics (Google)
OK, there's a comedian called Mike Birbiglia - He has a CD out called "Two Drink Mike" - I am presuming he can't hold his booze.... anyway, on this album there's a track called "Arctic Fox It's a Setup" and I have only been able to hear the first thirty seconds of it. I don't know where the Arctic Fox bit fits in... it's about his dreams being better than reality or something.... well, you learn something new every day.

lots of arctic fox pics (Google)
Try Google image search of course!!!

The state....

The state of blogging?

Well, I don't know what sort of state blogging is in. I decided to make a random sweep, using the little "Next Blog" button.... up there..... go on, keep going, right at the top .... got it?? Right... well.... no.... don't click it JUST yet!!

Ok, so the "Next Blog" button will take you magically to a random blog. I had heard that the chances of finding anything other than advertising spam and porn were actually VERY slim.

I decided to click through twenty blogs, and to record the type of blog and move on. Here's what I found:

7 Advertising and financial spam blogs.
1 Explicit gay porn blog (no warnings).

2 Japanese blogs.
2 Malaysian blogs (one in English, the other not).
2 Spanish blogs (one political, one about dancing).
1 Blog about taking a whizz in a public bathroom/toilet and the etiquette.
1 Very strange football blog (that was just a bunch of emails).
1 Blog of Dutch poetry.
1 Scrapbooking American mum of 2.
1 German yo-yo blog.
1 Random, quite funny blog.

Quite a sorry bunch, I am sure you will agree. Of the twenty sampled, I would only go back to one of them, and it wasn't the one that had pictures of young men whizzing into each other's mouths!!!

So, what's the state of blogging?

I can't say that this experiment really tells me very much, other than the fact that I am lucky to have such a nice bunch of blogging friends. I am lucky to have found so many interesting and worthy blogs to read in my time.

Not many people take the time or effort to read or write blogs at weekends, so maybe I will make a regular Saturday and Sunday feature out of this random blog sample and the search engine criteria that I enjoy so much.

The "Next Blog" button is pretty much worthless!!

PS: I accept absolutely no responsibility for what you might find if you use the Next Blog button.... Do so at your own risk!!

I am not miserable.

Well, it's a matter of opinion I guess.... I do not FEEL miserable is what I should have said!

How can I possibly feel miserable or grumpy when:

The teenage mutilated ninja poodle is here to keep me company.


OR

Watchmen (the movie) is now in production. Let's hope it is at least a fraction as good as the comics were..... I am PRAYING it doesn't disappoint me. Alan Moore is the "daddy" of comics for me... V for Vendetta and Miracleman were totally awesome too. Sadly, the V film didn't quite hit the right notes for me. There's massive scope for Watchmen to go badly wrong.

I'm not going ot start lecturing you on the merits of comics, or tell you how good Watchmen really is, nor that you should pray at the altar in the church of Alan Moore...... I suspect if you don't already know about these things, then anything I say will not influence you.... or will it??

Go, seek it all out, judge for youselves!!


Now, I've waited twenty years since the comics, so another couple of years aint gonna hurt, is it?

Hello.....

Nothing to report.

Usual stuff........

More Flickr photos......

More dead mouse action (strike 5)........

Lots of Pogo.....

Watching more films.........

Dreaming of beer.......

Goldfinch.

Families of my favourite finches flapping furiously, feeding ferociously. Filling up for flying far away. Black thistle seed flying. Clouds of feathered activity fill the garden and distract my eye from the movies I am watching. I maintain concentration until the third movie of the day and sleep overcomes me.

Damn that roadsweeper. He was back again today. I appreciate the service but not their hissing, steam belching dragon of a machine inching up the road beneath my bedroom window at seven twenty two in the A of the M.

A few beers last night only served to remind me just how angry I have become. Angry at my own passivity. Angry at the call centre that sold me a years worth of cover without my involvement, and who won't refund me for something I didn't order, because we are "outside of the refund window". I roll over and let them tickle me, maintaining that next year I will ensure that the credit card that feeds them will be a historical footnote.

Paperwork done. Bills paid. Final reminders shredded. Bank account slowly bleeding to death. Steadily approaching, free falling, towards the state of exsanguination. Please let me stay out of work a bit longer.

So many films, so little time.

Happy birthday to Fred. Zam zams tonight for a slap up curry.... yippee!! BYOB!!

Happy "New Moon" to everyone else.

Hibernation.

Following the unseasonable warmth of a Sunday just passed, the weather, and mood, have taken a decidedly sombre downturn. A couple of extremely wet, foggy, and accident strewn M62 mornings leave a distinct taste of moorland grime in my mouth.

These are the days that I would expect from October as opposed to the short sleeved, sweat beaded temple times that had me heading out and onto the hills in search of cardiovascular stimulation and stretched Achilles tendons last weekend.

Finally, the ash tree in the garden has released its sappy hold on the leaves. They say the ash tree is the last to receive and the first to yield its leaves. I think the sycamore beat it slightly this year, and there are already the first few golden leaf strewn pavements to walk amongst. Seems the slight breeze, and the extra weight of fog and rain has finally tipped my ash. The rake will need to be wielded in arboreal anger before too long.

The distant whirr of a council owned road sweeper heralds the official start of autumn as a disinterested man power-washes the leaves into the road for the vehicle to subsequently collect.

Me, I'm disinclined to venture outdoors in this weather. I pull up the metaphorical drawbridge, and baton down the imaginary hatches. Turn on the TV and watch a couple of films. Drink coffee and eat baked potatoes. It’s a full time job keeping the fog from creeping under the doors.

This morning, the house feels decidedly cold and grey. I grab one of the books that have been hanging around partly read, turn up the central heating, and dive back into bed. It's not a lie-in, you understand!! I am reading, and for once, I do not fall asleep after the first paragraph. I finish a book.

It's three in the afternoon, the sun is shining now, and I am still in my pyjamas. Lazy, hazy days.

(you can view and of course comment on any of the films I have watched in the order that I watched them - most recent first.... Here!)

Walking.....

Went out last night to Leeds, to our favourite, Fuji Hiro noodle bar. A simple, tasty, speedy dish of noodles and some delectable dumplings. A couple of beers and some plum wine. Forty minutes, fifteen quid each, can't go wrong. We love it there.

A shame the movie that we watched at home afterwards was not a match for the quality of the meal. Texas Chainsaw Massacre - The Beginning. I know, I shouldn't expect too much, but it was really effing dreadful. I mean REALLY effing dreadful. The point where this kid with a broken ankle and broken back goes running through the woods.... well I should have switched off a lot sooner than him getting either of the aforementioned injuries..... I watched it all and wished I hadn't.

Today we went on “A colourful circuit of Norland Moor.”

I’m not going to bore you with the details of a lovely walk, during which we got lost once, and took approximately one photograph. If I can’t be bothered to photograph it, then I sure as hell can’t be bothered to describe something that you can read about in “50 Walks in West Yorkshire” – ISBN 0-7495-2877-x pages 71 to 73 inclusive.

What I will say about it is:

1) It was confusing in one point (resulting in us missing a path) where we managed to add an extra mile onto the trip.
2) Very enjoyable, but quite hard on the feet. Millstone grit and rocky sandy paths for the most part, demanding high levels of concentration.
3) Very wild part of England!! Hot today, but I can imagine it being very inhospitable with the slightest touch of weather.
4) If you rely on the guidebook, then the Moorcock Inn is closed down, and beware at section 2, where the writer had consumed acid or something, and got it all a bit wrong.


I managed to lose my Ray Ban sunglasses (£120) about halfway round, when we stopped to consult the maps, when things went a little freestyle. As I sat with my compass, I left the sunglasses on a grass verge at the side of the road. I didn't notice till I got home.

Dawn drove me back to the very spot where I had sat reading maps, and lo and behold, there in the grass at the side of the road, were my glasses, some two hour and a half hours after I left them. Brilliant. I am so pleased to have them back.


My Achilles tendons are aching now, and the balls of my feet are feeling depressed!!

If you've never visited my "Random Shopping" blog, then today you're in for a treat.... it's madness I tells ya.... madness!!!!!!!