Saturday, March 24, 2007


See me? I frikking love the toast. White bread, brown bread, poppy seed, bloomer, oven bottom, muffins, crumpets, bagels, cheap loaf, fruit loaf, hot cross buns.... I don't care. Toast 'em, butter em, and scoff 'em down.

I rarely add toppings to my toast. I am fond of a bagel with sliced apple and peanut butter. In fact I love the peanut butter too. Marmite, it's delicious. Cheese on toast. Scrambled eggs and cheese in pitta pockets. Mostly, it's just buttered though.

Recently, I had the urge to find a nice jam or something. Something sweet, that wasn't your standard raspberry or strawberry fare. I stood, in the supermarket, amongst the jams, the curds, the honeys, and the spreads.... for what felt like an age. Looking at the jars, hoping, praying that something would wave its sugary paw at me, and say "Eat me!".

Eventually I made my selection. Plum jam... straight, cheap, no nonsense, supermarket own-brand, plum jam. Then, just as I was chasing the shopping trolley, which all blokes know, when driven by a woman, will have dematerialised during the process of product selection, and is usually to be found in Ikea or somewhere else.

At the end of the aisle, tucked away, almost out of sight, something grabbed my eye. Ginger preserve. I haven't had any for a long time. It's like dark matter, gelatinous, with chopped crystalised stem ginger in it, and it's gorgeous. I grabbed the jar and headed off, looking for the nearest Ikea.

Back at home, shopping stowed away. Perhaps a little ginger preserve on some toasted wholemeal muffins? I lift the jar from the shelf. Round about this time, perhaps through nicotine withdrawal, as the jar reached countertop level, it positively flipped out of my fingers, in an upwards and spinning fashion.

Matrix like bullet time...... spinning jar, hot grill, sideboard completely covered with washing up, vinyl floor covering, socks, all become a bit blurred. Perhaps my reactions are slowed through not smoking, but normally when I drop something, I have this stupid reaction to stick out my foot, and cushion the blow of whatever it is, as it falls to the floor. I hope I never drop a running chainsaw, as I am all too familiar with the damage that large knives can do. I have saved many a favourite mug in this fashion though.

So, of course, in this instance.... nothing. I just casually observe spinning jar, in slow motion, fall to the floor, with a sickening flop. I imagine a similar ending to someone jumping off a roof. The jar didn't bounce, nor fly into a million pieces everywhere. It just kind of splatted, and the unctuous gingery glop held all the shards together.

I looked down at the lump for a few seconds, and thoughts of salvaging it sprung to my mind. Foolish overreaction, I know. Slivers of glass in ginger jelly on toast has never been a speciality of mine, and it wasn't something I was about to start now.

I picked up the homogeneous lump of carnage. Slipped it quietly into a carrier bag, and disposed of it sensibly in the bin.

It's a bloody good job I like butter on my toast!!


  1. hmmm...where did i put these tissues???
    have to sweep off the drool...


    loved that mika tune

  2. for scones may I recommend blackcurrant jam, nice and tart

  3. As an English teacher I award a GCSE starred A grade for this excellent piece on what was actually a very ordinary chain of events but the observation, style and self-deprecation made the writing exceptional. Well done Arctic Fox! You are the teacher's pet!

  4. So sorry you lost your Ginger Jam. Myself I love a little cream cheese on my toast or muffin or bagel. Add a couple strawberries and it is complete.

  5. LOL
    Try these you need Canadian cheddar though,
    Marmelade with CDN cheese on white bread ..spred the marm liberally top with cheddar
    ON AN ENGLISH MUFFIN ( what do you call those over there muffin? If so , how do you sort the sweeter variety?) Butter and a bit of mayo on one side
    CDN cheddar on the other eat the whole lot together!

  6. Oh no, the ginger stuff is just divine on that Warburton's seeded batch toast (must be spread with Lurpak first though)