Top 10 - Biscuits!

Just for a change, and inspired by Rol (the master of all things top 10), here's a top ten of my own.......

10) Pink Wafers - Not particularly bothered which brand of pink wafer I go for... they're all good.... crispy and creamy and flaky and about forty percent sugar.... you could do worse!

9) Disco Biscuits - And before any of you get the wrong idea - These are little shortcake biscuits with a chocolate things and little smarties things going on... you get them from Aldi.

8) Fruit Club - When I was a nipper, I managed to procure a whole box of fruit club biscuits.... I savoured them so much that by the time I got to the end of the box they'd gone a bit soggy.

7) Amaretti Biscuits - Big ones... small ones.... I'm not too bothered... that marzipan flavour and extra crunchiness makes this a princess amongst biscuits.  I like the ones that come in a sort of twisted tissue paper wrapping... delicioso!

6) Crispy Flute - Usually I'd get the Marks and Sparks variety of these, but those sugary curled up tuile biscuits are irresistible.... I can slurp a bit of black coffee through them like a large bore drinking straw and then scoff them up before they go too soggy and fall into the cup.

5) Lotus Caramelised Biscuits - Now these biscuits are majestic.  First time I ever ate them would have been in an Amsterdam coffee shop.... and lord knows, at that point, I can only imagine how hungry I might be.... luckily for me, I can now buy them in supermarkets in massive packets instead of one at a time!!

4) Lemon Puffs - Oh that lovely crispy sugar glazing on the biscuit and the dreamy zingy lemon filling.... heavenly.

3) Plain Chocolate Digestives - Still a golden oldie for me.... but the plain chocolate version is SO much more sophisticated than its downmarket milk chocolate cousin.  Add to that a lovely Digestive biscuit and it's a no-brainer!

2) Fig Rolls - Oh how I love thee... let me count the ways.... I particularly like a fig roll that has a rich filling that includes those lovely fig seeds that pop delightfully between your teeth.

1) Garibaldi - Tada!!  The king of all biscuits.  Don't even bother breaking them into their "marked out" suggested pieces..... eat them by the slab.... dunk 'em if you like, but love them all the time!!

Agree to disagree?  Got a particular favourite that didn't make my list?  Let me know, and I'll try to find an amusing but disparaging response!

Desperately seeking....

What do you want?
We want information!
Whose side are you on?
That would be telling. We want information.... information..... information......

Well you've come to the right place then haven't you? Because here at Fox Towers, it's another "search engine Sunday".

I know I've said it before, but for the benefit of those that are still not in "the know" I will say it again.

Sundays are piss poor for blogging.... nobody reads blogs on Sundays and nobody writes blogs on Sundays. Ergo, it would seem rather pointless to put a lot of effort into this, so I trawl back through my search engine data and try to help the cyber-travellers who might have found my page by accidentally taking a wrong turn on the information superhighway, or by providing information that might answer a certain type of question that's been asked.

earth's internal heat dies
Oh, you're a cheery character aren't you? The earth will cool and we'll all fly off into outer space, screaming and squealing as we go. Seriously, the earth's nuclear and solar powered.... it's been a lot hotter in the past and it's also been cooler in the past..... but it will eventually cool down, but you have nothing to worry about in your lifetime... or mine for that matter. Now cheer up.... go outside and do something good!

how many artic foxes are still alive
I presume you mean "arCtic"?? My pet hate spelling mistake. Don't do it again. I can not vouch for any others arCtic foxes, but I can tell you that there is at least one. I'd be lying if I told you any different. I CAN tell you that the arctic fox is NOT endangered. Treat them nicely and they'll last forever.

images arctic fox sophie ryder
I don't know about Sophie Ryder AND arctic foxes.... but I have been to a Sophie Ryder exhibition at Yorkshire Sculpture Park.... and I do have some photos of various exhibits there. There was one where there was a fox dancing (although they look like they are boxing) with a rabbit. You can see that one here? (not my work unfortunately)- see footnote of this blog entry for updated content and my own photo of said sculpture!

disney pinocchio
Erm......

noodle doodle went to town
Noodle doodle came to town,
With lots of straight spaghetti.
He twisted it around around around,
And this is what you get-i.

A-noodle-doodle-doodle-doodle motor cars,
A-noodle-doodle-doodle-doodle houses,
A-noodle-doodle-doodle-doodle butterflies,
Eek, noodle-doodle mouses!!



Normally I would never edit a blog entry - it's the spontaneity that keeps things fluid around here.... but I am kicking myself for not noticing that a previous blog entry (it was some time ago mind) contained the fox and hare picture from Sophie Ryder (taken by me!) and here it is!

Folk off!

Just a quick trip out today to Holmfirth for their annual folk festival weekend.

For those that don't know, Holmfirth is a "village" that seems to hang quite firmly from the coat tails of "Last of the Summer Wine" which is a British sitcom that you watch once you've retired (because you recognise your friends in the various characters).

Holmfirth is awash with references to the show.  Wrinkled Stockings tea rooms.... Sid's Cafe..... Compo's fish and chip restaurant......

A friend once told me that (after Bill Owen the actor that played the character of Compo in LotSW) they were renaming Compo's Cafe...... to De-Compo's Cafe!!  Boom boom!

I've never been a fan of the show, nor have I embarked on any themed ride or event that goes with it.  I suppose it's alright for the comers-in and the old folks....

They DO have some cool things that happen in and around Holmfirth though that don't tip a nod to this heinous sitcom.  One such event is the annual folk festival that's been running this weekend....

Really it was just a chance to head on up there.... and drink a couple of local ales.... watch a few street performances (all the free stuff for my shallow pockets) and have something to eat.  All of which happened in glorious sunshine.

We saw some samba drummers.... a few troops of morris dancers..... some street theatre about St. George and some crazy battles and a strange horse creature..... and a sketch involving two chubby guys dressed as Olympic athletes doing some sort of routine that was actually much more amusing than it sounds.....

Good clean fun for all the family.

Fish on Friday

Hooray for bad weather......  You don't hear me saying that very often.

Today was SO windy and grey......  when I decided to go fishing, I was even doubting my own judgement.

When I got to the pond there was only one other guy fishing right down the other end of the pond, and although a few more showed up over the course of the day, it was quiet.... QUIET I tells ya!

The wind was howling from left to right, along the pond, so I sat at the right hand end (my limited watercraft tells me to fish at the windy side.... instead of seeking shelter ot the other end of the pond)......  Duly seated, kitted and fishing.... the wind howled on.

I managed to set everything up so nicely today that my float managed to stay totally stationary despite the gusty waves.....  I had a really nice depth set up and was registering lovely bites.... lift bites, drop bites.....  great stuff.  I made my own groundbait today with pellets and liquidised bread steeped in water and it was working really well with a good mix of fish.

By two o' clock this afternoon I'd caught dozens of fish.....  lots of roach (some quite small) that topped out at about a one pound weight.  I had three tench, one of which weighed about a pound and a half.  I had three or four skimmers (baby silver bream) toppin up at half a pound and a host of gudgeon (which are never worth weighing!).

Then the wind dropped..... the sun came out..... it rained..... and the fishing went..... rubbish.

Good day though and I'm glad I went out when I could quite easily have stayed in and challenged another computer to some monopoly instead!

This little video made me smile.... for no apparent reason other than it's funny..... and although she wants to be mad at people for suggesting it...... she can't manage it!  Laugh it up!

Hotel on Mayfair....

Hotel on Mayfair,

I've got a hotel on Park Lane, the blue one,

And Little Frank, he's not even got a house on the Old Kent Road.

Oh I've got hotels on all the red ones, and the green ones,

And all of the yellow ones,

He's not even got a light blue one,

And he's not been past the Water Works.

(taken from The Monopoly Song by Frank Sidebottom)

You could do a lot worse than spend a couple of minutes watching/listening to this!

Now it has to be said.... I'm a player of games.  I love 'em.  Whether they be rooted in this reality or a virtual one, I love playing games.

I like video games, board games, card games.... traditional games, contemporary games.... you name it and if I haven't played it then you can guarantee I wouldn't mind playing it!

I've played Gulo Gulo, Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots, Chartbusters, Pass the Pigs, Settlers of Catan, Risk, Chess, Chinese Checkers and Mah-jong.

I've played Tapper and Toobin'.  I've leapt at the chance to play Burnin' Rubber and Ms. PacMan.  I've played Smurfs, Star Wars, Ponpoko and Space Duel.  I've thrown virtual darts, footballs and javelins. and I've even been known to play Pokemon (Silver; diamond; AND platinum)....

I've bragged about three cards.  I've chased the ace.  I've had my knuckles scraped until they bled at Scabby Queen, and I've fifteen for two'ed myself into oblivion with cribbage.  Canasta, Spades, Hearts, Bezique, Pip Pip, Oh Hell and Beggar my Neighbour.

Yes, I love them all.

The problem with games.... is the same as that faced when trying to dance an Argentinian Tango.... invariably it takes more than one.... and unless someone else likes to cut a rug..... you're up a snookery creek without a black ball!

An example of this lack of willing participants is as follows:

Today I played Monopoly on the internet... not just your average, common or garden variety of Monopoly.... but Monopoly the World Edition.  The main differences being that:

a) instead of streets, you buy whole cities like Beijing or Vancouver.

b) instead of starting with the usual fifteen hundred quid, you start this one with fifteen MILLION!!  (that's inflation for you)

c) Rather than play an endless pit of turns waiting for everyone to go bankrupt, this game is turn based so we each get 34 turns (perhaps) maximum.

d) Game winner declared after two people bankrupt or maximum turns expired.

e) "total worth" decides winner!

Other than that it's exactly the same.....

So I play against three computers, who are, rather imaginatively named: Computer 2; Computer 3; and Computer 4 - I am playing what would presumably have been Computer 1's seat.... and I try not to think too much about the four of them playing non-stop for all eternity until someone visits their gaming table.

All goes well up until you realise that there's an element of racism at play.... they trade with each other reasonably whilst making insulting and paltry offers to me.  The dice rolls don't seem to favour me.  They're stitching me up.

It gets to a stage where they've all swapped properties and Computer 3 has a full set of the oranges (Vine, Marlborough and Bow Streets - equivalent).  Computer 4 on the other hand only has a set of the dark brown ones (we'd call the Old Kent Road and Whitechapel). And can you guess what Computer 2 owns?  Yes, the dark blue pair (Mayfair and Park Lane).

I've got.....

A light blue; a pink; a red; a yellow; a station; and two dark green ones (the ones that cost a fortune and nobody ever lands on them, and if you DO get all three you can never afford to build houses on them anyway).

In the dying embers of the game, Computer 2 buys the final dark green at action for a staggering twelve million.

There are hotels on the oranges and dark browns.  Five turns from the end of the game and I'm comfortably in second place.  Despite owning the most expensive proiperties on the board, Computer 2 is sitting in jail with no money to build any houses (and that serves him/her right for overbidding for my dark green).

I am two turns from the end of the game when the conspiracy trap is sprung, and I am unceremoniously dumped onto Vancouver (an orange one with a hotel on) and after stumping up the ten million rent..... I finish in a very poor third place.

Now, if I had some REAL friends....Scooby Doo Monopoly or Gulo Gulo anyone?

Nice weather...

... for ducks!

Curse this crappy grey weather and curse my crappy grey mood.

I think I suffer from seasonal affective disorder at a macro level....  I am up and down like a frikking yo-yo with these rainy grey days at the moment.  The knock on effect on my health and well-being is savage.

Run down.

Seems an age since I was merrily trotting across the hillsides in search of geocaches.  Donkey's years since I was out in t-shirt sleeves on the rocky outcrops of Calderdale.  Positively millennia since I wasn't coughing, or sneezing or spluttering.....

I've even resorted to taking some horse-pill sized fish oil tablets and drinking restorative tonic!  When you've been run down for a while you'll turn to bloody voodoo if you think it will make you feel better.

Even the discovery of post-festival mild supplies at a local hostelry for a vastly reduced price could only temporarily lift the hovering grey clouds from the summit of my crown.

My day of fishing was a gentle mood lifter but the rain of today is squeezing the life out of mood again.....  I know it's good for the gardens and crops and stuff and I know we need it..... but it stops me being outside!!

On the plus side, I DID watch a couple of films today - which of course you can see on my films page... I watched Dark Star and Four Lions today - I did laugh out loud at both films too.

Rain rain go away...... piss on someone else's day!

Gone fishin'

Been down to Riley's Pond today for a little fishing session.....

It's the first time this year that I've been fishing and it took a fair bit of absent minded organisation to get all my tackle together..... my tackle bag (check reel.... check hooklengths..... check floats..... check little tackle box) all good...........  small amount of frozen sweetcorn......bucket of skrettings soaked and flavoured...... bait bag with buckets and containers...... rods.... landing net.... chair..... trolley (wheels two of; handle; base)...... flask.... sandwiches..... sweets...... hat...... licence.... membership..... coffee (in a jar - to make up with the flask of hot water - saves me washing the flask out every time I use it)......

Ok.... check the traffic.... motorway at a standstill..... wait..... Thorin sits down and starts singing about gold.....

Traffic all moving.... off to Rastrick for my maggots.......  one pint of mixed (white;bronze;red) and a bit of sawdust....... two pounds sixty and off we go down to Brookfoot past the Red Rooster (great boozer)..... through the gate...... park up... assemble trolley ..... load everything on...... walk down to the pond........

What the.... it would appear that my favourite fishing spot has fallen into the pond..... never mind.....  I use the next one along.......

Set up all my gear.... landing net.... chair...... fishing rod..... reel..... thread everything up......  float adapter..... quick change bead...... hooklength..... attach a float..... check the weighting..... check the depth.......

FISHING!

Thorin sits down and starts singing about gold........

Well it was VERY slow..... I did catch a nice 5lb mirror carp and a little tench of about half a pound but the rest were all tiddlers (roach and gudgeon) and not many of them at that!  But still, it's great to be sitting outdoors.... even if it does rain a bit..... and the wind blows a bit......

OUTDOORS!

A lovely way to spend a day (apart from all those bloody people everywhere - it's like a sodding social club down at that pond sometimes - they ought to make a rule.... if you're not fishing then piss off!).

Sunday search

I know that the world of blogging goes a bit flat over the weekend.  Add to that weekend the snooker finals and you are not very likely to find me here either.....

Luckily for you..... the snooker finished early (Ronnie O'Sullivan really outclassed Ali Carter and gave us all a free evening!)..... and I hark back to the days of old when I used to try and have a look at what searches people had been using to find my page and to point them in the right direction......  So here's a revival of an old blogging tradition.....

tri wing screwdriver b&q

You won't get one at B&Q - In fact I DO know that a mate of mine was actually looking for a tri-wing screwdriver..... and in searching for it on the web turned up my blog and rung me up to see if he could borrow mine.....  random event!  Well a tri-wing is for taking consoles apart.... I use mine for the Wii and for the Nintendo DS..... I got it from here and they are REALLY cheap!  If you live lly, you're more than welcome to borrow mine!

whistle and ride

A phrase I inherited from my mum..... usually called to me whilst I was absent mindedly dawdling over something or other..... "whistle and ride" she'd say.... in typical female fashion, expecting the impossible, for a man to do two things at the same time...... Like Microsoft products, we are notoriously bad at multitasking.

my balls fox

Erm......

royal doulton arctic fox

Such a tacky piece of paraphernalia would never grace the mantlepiece of Fox Towers.  I don't think Royal Doulton would even plumb these depths of tat.... but if you've got money to burn and are desperate for such an item.... send the money to me and I will make you one from blu-tack or carrots or something.

do arctic foxes use water for anything other than drinking

Besides making cups of tea and coffee and the occasional wash..... not much.... not even to wash my car!

Star Wars

It's common knowledge that May the 4th is widely regarded as "Star Wars Day" - For those that don't get it (I'm sure I'm whizzing into the wind here) it's simply a case of "May the fourth be with you".

This day has many other important reasons to be notable though, and not all of those are so obvious....

Firstly, and celebrated with a Google doodle today, is the anniversary of Keith Haring's birthday.... I've always loved a bit of Keith's work.... I even have several of them hanging around my bedroom (obviously prints).

Today is also the Feast Day of St. Florian, the patron saint of firemen.... and lord knows, they all deserve a hearty thanks for the sterling work they do.

On this day in 1973 the female form was first shown naked on television in America!  Haven't we come a long way since then?  I bet you didn't even have to pay-per-view in those days either!

Politically (in relation to yesterday's election antics - a moot point in which I never received a voting card) - on this day in 1926 the General Strike began.... bad times.  Even worse news followed in 1979 when Margaret Thatcher became Prime Minister!  Black times indeed!

Apparently Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty (allegedly and fictitiously) fell to their deaths off the Reichenbach Falls on this very day in 1891, and in 1935 the world's longest escalator opened, unfortunately not up the Rechenbach Falls, but at Leicester Square tube station (I probably have been on it, and probably wanted a wee at the time (always seems to happen to me when I am underground!)).

Who could forget, that on this day in 1715 that the folding umbrella was patented in Paris, and that in 1995 Japanese psychologists had trained a bunch of pigeons to become art critics.... apparently these canny birds could tell the difference between works by Picasso and Monet, but were unable to tell a Cezanne from a Renoir.... and like me they probably couldn't tell their arses from their elbows!

So, to each and every one of you.... may the fourth, and some crazy Japanese pigeons be with you always!

Snooker loopy...

It's about this time of the year when my alter ego emerges.....

Not one to sit down and watch television, especially during the day.... when snooker comes to the Crucible.... I make an exception.

I've been watching it for years..... I've always liked some of the snooker "characters".... the Alex Higginseses, Big Bill Werbeniukseses (the only man I've ever known to have a doctors note to allow him to sink a number of pints of beer BEFORE a game), Ronnie O'Sullivanseses, Ray (Count Dracula) Reardonseses... etc etc.... I have some great snooker memories, albeit most of the early ones are as a result of VERY late nights (staying up well after my bedtime).

I will at this point mention that today's Ali Carter and Stephen Maguire match has left me a bit cold!

I'll watch it all day... all night.... and go to bed and watch the highlights of whatever I've been watching all day.

I've played a few games of snooker.... I've never been any good at it.... I don't even think my custard pie eyes could even see the far end of a snooker table these days.  I seem to remember at one point even falling asleep on a snooker table during a particular heavy session.... mid-shot!  The less said about those crazy days at the Slawit Con Club the better!

I don't think I could sit and watch the snooker live at the Crucible, or anywhere else for that matter..... sometimes it's nice to get up and make a coffee or take a "nature break" at will.... besides which, my afternoon nap would undoubtedly raise eyebrows when I began to snore!  I am sure it would make interesting TV though.

At least we're now down to a reasonable number of players left in the tournament, and that means I've now got chance to get the tea on.....  veg curry tonight with a side dish of snooker.... you're all invited.... bring a bottle!

Excuses

"Arctic Fox, where are your blog entries for the last three days?" Asked a mustachioed, unkempt school teacher.  "Sorry Sir, the cat ate them and then the dog ate the cat" came my smart-arsed, well rehearsed response.  A hundred lines and one hour of detention were my reward.

I wake up, cold sweat.  Pounding headache.  Must be Monday I think to myself and sitting bolt upright notice it's actually Tuesday.

Well, I've had a rough few days.

I've finished my antibiotics and am starting to feel like I dare loosen the bond between myself and the nearest toilet.

I've deleted the complex series of alarms that I'd created to remind me when to take this, take that, or even eat food.

With a little research and an old carrier bag, to plug the holes in my sieve-like memory, I've managed to fix up my Nintendo 3DS so that it (once again) agrees that it can play games from my "very special" card.  Thank heavens I still have my old Nintendo DS otherwise I don't know how I would have done it!

Apart from feeling like I'm sitting on an infected timebomb..... and my head feels like I drank about fifteen pints of real ale last evening..... everything's coming up roses..... or is it?

In some fevered fit of sleep last night..... I remember hearing, and wishing I had been dreaming..... that ISPs are being told to block access to Pirate Bay!  I mean, you're frikking kidding me right?  Didn't we all get a bit antsy because China blocked Google?  Isn't this just the bloody same?  Can someone tell us what we can and can't look at?  I tell you what.... I'm SO bloody furious that I'm going to watch snooker all day!  Stuff your internet up your arse! 

(but don't, please.... I beg you, bring it anywhere near mine!)

Weak end!

It's the weekend, it's a bit weakened and I've got a weak end!

Story of this wet and miserable couple of days that everyone who goes to work looks forward to.

If these antibiotics would let me stray beyond the comfortable reach of a decent bathroom and/or permit me to have the customary weekend real ale experience.... then I am sure that this weather wouldn't be pissing me off as much as it is!

Even venturing out to the shops with Dawn today was like a military operation.... tablets.... alarms.... feeding time at the zoo.....  hopefully by Wednesday of this coming week things will be getting back to normal.

My alarm's just gone off to tell me I ought to be having my tea and taking a tablet but the adjustments I have to process from earlier in the day when we were out and about and the subsequent knock on effects are tying my loose noggin in knots.

Trying to download some films to watch this evening and the crappy USB stick I bought as a replacement is playing silly beggars too..... it does this stupid thing where it chops my download speed to 10kB/s and it makes me want to smash something!

To top it all off, my Nintendo 3DS has upgraded its own software and now my "special" card doesn't work in it.....   bloody technology!

Bloody weekends....

Vicious circle

Stuck in an anticyclonic tango with bad health and bad weather.

Miserable outside... miserable inside.

Not even the chance of watching a hitherto unseen movie or playing a video game could lift my dank spirits today.

More of the same antibiotics... more of the same alarm bells signalling mealtimes.....

I decided I'd fix myself a nice big pan of stew, the ultimate comfort food, but of course, when I got there the cupboards were indeed bare.  In order that this poorly dog shouldn't have none, I decided to get dressed and head on out for supplies.

I picked a suitable gap in the rain and made a dash for the car.  To my surprise, something you can never really gauge from your armchair caught me unawares, and I found it was actually quite warm outside.  Warm to the extent that the road was actually beginning to steam.

I set off in one direction, changed my mind, took a detour, got stuck in some traffic lights and ended up at a local Aldi.  Now I've nothing against Aldi, but I find that you need to prepare yourself for a visit when you decide to go there.....

a) I've got no change.... not one single coin.... no trolley and they don't have hand baskets at Aldi either.

b) No shopping bags.  Usually I carry a few bags in the car for such emergencies.  I'm a big fan of reusing bags and we have a plethora of jute and canvas bags for such occasions.  Not today though.

c) Car parking.... whenever I go to Aldi there's never a car parking space and I had to do two circuits of the car park turning round by the recycling bins at one point before I finally parked in the loading bay!

Ok so I've parked.  I can't get a trolley.  I've got no bags.

First thing on the list.... bread.  I pick up a cheap brown sliced loaf.  Then on to the fruit and veg section, picking up a tin of tomatoes on the way.

It's about this time that my lack of energy due to lack of food decides to kick in and I get that unmistakable shuddery feeling inside, which I presume is low blood sugar or something.

So, a family pack of mushrooms..... a turnip... some potatoes.... some carrots..... some onions.....  by now the loaf is getting slightly squashed......  I put the turnip in my jacket pocket, like some weird shoplifter and carry on..... to the till..... feeling like I could faint for lack of nourishment at any given moment.

It's turning into a weird episode of Double or Drop (if anyone's old enough to remember that Crackerjack classic?).

To add insult to my injury in this unpleasant shopping experience.... I have to pay three pence for a carrier bag.  On the plus side, I DO remember to take the turnip out of my pocket and I don't get charged with shoplifting.

I DID forget to buy Greek yoghurt - and that scuppers my plans for teatime tomorrow.....

I think I will go to Morrison's next time.....  Stew is finally cooking away as we speak.

Shoot me now....

Dreary.... dull, wet, and extremely windy..... and the weather is just as bad!

I've got an abscess, and I have to take this staggering amount of antibiotics.  It took me a few hours just to work out the schedule to take these antibiotics.

I'm going into no gory detail about said abscess, suffice to say, if monkeys WERE to shove bad nuts there, they'd find that they would quite quickly become ex-monkeys quicker than they could say "Davy Jones".

For example:-

Flucloxacillin (a whopping 500mg variety) - Take ONE four times a day, an hour before food or on an empty stomach (which means one hour before food or at least two hours after food) and to take them with plenty of water.

Metronidazole (200mg) - Take ONE three times a day, with or after food.  Avoid alcohol like the plague.

So I have had to set up a series of alarms on my phone that tell me when to eat, when to breathe and most importantly which tablet to take at which point in the day.... it gets to be awfully confusing.  Coupled with the fact that I don't, as a rule eat "normal" meals in the day time, and I like a drink or three...... it's hard work.

Side effects of such large doses of antibiotics are "unpredictable" to say the least....  They tend to go in one end and come out of the other in very quick succession.

So I'm stuck in a loop.... timer goes beep, I respond like Pavlov's incontinent dog!  They tell me it's all in a good cause..... let's bloody hope so because the alternative path of having the abscess excised or drained and the subsequent round of daily dressing changes is not an option I wish to consider.

Ring ring....

I'm out in the garden cleaning the bird feeders.... the phone rings.....  not unusual you might think, but I NEVER use the land line.... and it's ringing......

I jump down out of the tree where I hang my bird feeders (honestly you'd fall for anything.... of course I took the bird feeders down BEFORE cleaning them).... and go inside and answer the phone, fully expecting... "Congratulations, you've won"....click!

"Hello" I inquire, sounding remarkably like a person who has never seen a phone before and wonders why this white bone that hangs on cave wall should suddenly make loud noise......

A REAL PERSON on the other end of the phone.... the novelty throws me slightly.....

"Could I speak to Mr. Weaver" she asks, and switching immediately to business mode "Speaking!" comes my standard reply.....

"Hello Mr. Weaver, I'm just calling from your bank" - She does go on to verify that it is indeed my bank and I'm happy to spend a couple of minutes talking to her.... fully aware, even before she, that this is a fruitless conversation for both of us.

"i wonder whether I could book an appointment for you to come in and for us to review your bank accounts so we can make sure you have the best deal?" she offers optimistically.....  "I see you have a current account, a mortgage, and savings accounts with us....".

I interrupt her mid flow and state, quite clearly "No, that's ok thanks, I'm not interested."  Which to me would signal the end of the conversation, but I'm not "target driven" like this poor lady and I certainly don't have anything to sell......

She goes on to ask me a few questions about my mortgage like "Are you on a fixed term variable rate tracking deal?".... it might as well be in Chinese... for one, she's looking at my details on a computer screen so she knows EXACTLY what I have...... for another..... I don't have a clue what kind of mortgage they handed to me on a plate back when I had money and before the banks had none.

"I don't know" I claim.

"Well we could sort this out for you and get you on a better rate of interest" she begins......

"I don't have a job" I cheerily chime in....

She continues.......

"Look!" I start to become agitated, I don't suffer fools gladly.  "Look.... how can you offer me a new mortgage when I don't have a job?" I ask of her.

"We can't" she concedes, starting to realise she is not making a sale. "How about your household insurance?  We guarantee to beat any quote you might have for that,"  She is clutching at straws now, and the birds in my garden will not feed themselves.

"I tell you what" I counter-offer "How about when my household insurance is due for renewal, I'll let you know".... which I thought was a fair "out" for her, she could hang up without totally losing face at this point and make a note on my file that I'd let them know.... a dont-call-us if you like.....

"Well it does make sense to sort these things out BEFORE they are due" she begins and my left eye begins to twitch......

"That's ok.... thank you, I'm still not interested... thanks for the offer though" and I hang up the phone.

The punchline to this story.... and one which I would not dare to admit to my mortgage holder.... is that my house and contents are currently uninsured..... and if she could beat THAT quote, then I'd love to hear it!!

Happy George Day

Happy St. George's Day - What's that mean?  I'm glad you asked because I don't know either....

April 23rd... no fanfares, no trumpets, no fireworks, no national getting drunk day, no national holiday even....  what's the "unifying" experience that brings us all together then?  Answers on a postcard!

What I CAN tell you about this day is that historically it's been a good day for sporting prowess....  On this day in 1977 Vlastimil Hort (Czech chess grandmaster) earned himself a world record by playing 201 games simultaneously, whilst at the same time Dr. Allen Bussey looped a yo-yo a staggering 20,302 times and only lost control of it ten times.  Neither of them were British.

This day is also overshadowed by being the anniversary (from as far back as 1984) that the AIDS virus was discovered - and it TOO wasn't British.... nor was it cricket!

The other significant events that this day could be remembered for are:

1923 - Stalin officially opened the Moscow Underground.

1616 - Miguel de Cervantes (creator of Don Quixote) shuffled off this mortal coil.

And finally.... British FACT (possibly):

1348 - The Order of the Garter was founded (the highest order of English chivalry - not including holding the door open for a bird) - *** A BRITISH FACT ****

1564 - William Shakespeare was born (good times but possibly not even a real event)

1616 - William shakespeare died (bad times but possibly not even a real event)

1850 - William Wordsworth died (bad times) **** FACT ****

1915 - Rupert Brooke died (bad times) **** FACT ****

Home

I came back late and tired last night

Into my little room,

To the long chair and the firelight

And comfortable gloom.

But as I entered softly in

I saw a woman there,

The line of neck and cheek and chin,

The darkness of her hair,

The form of one I did not know

Sitting in my chair.

I stood a moment fierce and still,

Watching her neck and hair.

I made a step to her; and saw

That there was no one there.

It was some trick of the firelight

That made me see her there.

It was a chance of shade and light

And the cushion in the chair.

Oh, all you happy over the earth,

That night, how could I sleep?

I lay and watched the lonely gloom;

And watched the moonlight creep

From wall to basin, round the room,

All night I could not sleep.

(Rupert Brooke)

Introduction...

Rain, meet Manflu.... Manflu, this is rain.....

Now if I can only persuade them how good they are for each other they might just get it on and piss off into the sunset and leave me the hell alone!

A quick walk round the garden this morning reveals that the last week of continuous rain has rendered my normally slow growing lawn into a veritable green jungle.  Too wet to cut and too long to be of much use to anyone.

My daffodils have just about given up the ghost but my tulips are all starting to come out.... it's truly amazing how much this rain has brought things on in the past week....  I know the gardens really did need it.

I suppose I can thank small mercies in that I've been stuck inside brooding and stewing with a fevered brow and the weather really has not done anything that would suggest I could have been doing anything else but watching films anyway.....  I certainly wouldn't be walking or fishing in THIS stuff, or at least that's what I keep telling myself, knowing full well that I've done both in much worse!

I took a quick drive down Grimescar Road today which is a little back road through a lovely bluebell wood, and I always like to have a look at this time of year..... the sheer quantity of bluebells there does not and in this case DID not disappoint - a real local highlight.  I've even got some "bells" coming out in the garden although I'm inclined to think they are the foreign invaders - probably Spanish - and should be composted really but they add some colour for now!!

So, if this rain would just do one.... and I could shake the tail end of this man flu.... I might actually manage to get out of the house..... do some gardening..... get back onto shanks's pony...... and catch a few fish!

Give us a break, please.

Write-off

I get pissed off when chains of events conspire against me..... case in question......

A friend gave me a computer.  I want to plug the computer into my television so I can surf the internet, in large screen mode.... from the comfort of my sofa.  Not a difficult request really.

I installed Windows XP on the computer - a series of problems meant that this process in itself took a whole day!!  The computer has been working, but it has hiccoughed a couple of times, but I thought I had ironed these problems out.

I check my TV and it doesn't have a VGA connector on it to connect a PC.... groans..... the PC doesn't have an HDMI connector on it to connect it to the TV..... double groans...... there's got to be a way to do this..... I can't find the instruction book for the television.... I can't find the model number of the television to find an instruction manual for the television on the internet...... 

Reluctantly I lift the entire TV cabinet which holds (TV; Freeview HDR; Nintendo Wii; PS3; DVD Player; Wireless router; DJ hero controller; All the associated plugs, wires and bits and pieces that go with it) - I drag the unit out just far enough that all the cables and plugs get tangled up and just far enough that I can get a camera down the back to take some photographs......

I sift through a series of terrible photographs that I've blindly taken down the back of the TV and find one that when I zoom in close enough, I can read the model number of the television......

I look up the television on the internet and find an instruction booklet for the correct model.... it requires some software to be installed to read it though and I give up.....

I am just emailing my friend to see what he thinks..... when I remember I had bought a VGA to RGB H/V cable for my laptop, some time ago, and it's right here in the cupboard in front of me.... I dig it out.  It's the FIRST thing to go right today!!

I run all the cables through the right holes in the cabinet, thread this one here, pull that one through there - it's turning from a tidy, cable managed nirvana into the cable knitting fairy's hideout!!  Everything's hanging out.... bits here, bits there..... but everything's plugged in..... I switch it on...... 

Nothing.... blank screen......

I unplug everything, plug it all back in..... and..... a different shade of nothing..... a BLACK screen.......

I switch off and on again like a seasoned IT professional and......

beeeep..... beeeep....... beeeeeeep........ a motherboard sounds its last dying breaths........

I should...

a) go back to bed.

b) smash something.

c) put everything back the way it was before i started pissing about with it.

d) blame it on the dog.

e) all of the above)

delete as applicable!

I consult my download schedule and notice "Day of the Jackal" has just about arrived...... looks like that's the plan then.

Flu-nami!

Hurricane Mucus has reached land, somewhere around the Bay of Arctic Fox at 11:00hrs today.

Scientists predict high blood pressure, gusting sneezes in excess of 300 miles per hour with prolonged showers of snot.  Extreme periods of abject frustration and intense seismic activity are highly likely sometime around bedtime!

Local residents have been warned to stay out of the path of this flu-nami and to seek shelter at the earliest opportunity and start panic buying (amongst other things) petrol; Kleenex (mansize); beer; and Beecham's Powders.

The Met Office have issued a severe bad mood warning for the rest of the week.

Fiddlesticks!  Don't forget to see what films I am managing to stay awake to watch - and here's a picture of brighter, happier times!

Hand - floor - armour

As a child I was never much into the game of charades....  perhaps it was the thought of Lionel Bleurgh, Una Stubbs and their "jobbing" luvvie friends cavorting merrily on-screen with their secret handshake Da Vinci code style clues.....  i.e. They had a series of repeated actions that you would never find in any other game of charades, like when they touch their nose and point to the person who said the correct word that they had been miming to suggest that they had got it right.....  Twaddle of the highest calibre, and SO overly camp!

Anyhow......

I  DID say I was never much into it... but that doesn't mean we never played it.....

For one thing, as a child, how are you supposed to know if, let's say for instance, Lord of the Rings is a TV show, a film, a book, a play or a song or indeed any combination of the above!  I bet Lionel and Una never had to argue that there had never been a TV series of Lord of the Flies.......  ridiculous concept then.

I only have two memories (and they may well be clues as to why we didn't play it much).....

When someone tried to mime the hit TV show "Panorama" we managed to arrive unconvincingly at "hand-floor-armour" and I think the game was over shortly thereafter.....

Another game of equal success left us with a very firm suggestion that "Emu-gin soldiers" was actually a book and a film, only to be let down by the final answer of "Virgin Soldiers" - Again.... a decent "mimer" could really have given us kids something to think about with that one!!

And all this tomfoolery and shennanigoats leads me to the following......

Whilst in the Lake District recently, I took some photographs - I posted a link to this flickr set yesterday.... but today I've added something very special to that set......

A selection of hand-floor-armours!

wooo - OOO - ooo

Ok the ghost-posting has stopped - I'm home again!

Spent a feverish few days in the Lake District.

Snow on the hill tops.... warm sunshine..... rucksack.... t-shirt..... sweating.... freezing.....  a recipe for man flu if ever there was one and now I'm in a right old tangle!

I love it in the Lakes....  there's always something new to see.... somewhere new to visit..... a new hill to walk up.... and a whole range of chance and fortune with regards to what the weather will do.

It's been lovely weather as it happens.  The very second we sat down at a cafe for our first cup o' tea in the lakes, the heavens opened.... it hailed, it rained..... and it blew for an hour or so.... it was NOT a good omen, but as it turned out that was the first and last of the bad stuff.

The snowy hill tops gradually receded during our stay and we were treated to glorious spring-like displays with sumptuous green and golden hues contrasting with blue skies and fluffy white clouds.

Well, of course I've taken a few photos and we've done a "little " walk......

Langdale Pikes - A paltry 4.7 miles with a whopping 2439 feet of ascent - and conversely a knee shattering equal descent!!

A full flickr set is here!

Cosmetics for men

I don't wear make-up.  I've never worn "guy liner" or had a "back, sack and crack waxing"....  Hell, most days I don't even bother to shave.....  I'm a veritable Neanderthal as far as male grooming goes.

I use a bit of Old Spice deodorant of the stick variety....  and some Super Matey bubble bath......  I occasionally use a bit of sunscreen because I spend so many hours outside either fishing or walking.  One of my sunscreens is a combined moisturiser and sun block.... and THAT is about as far as we go.

I'm not keen on things that "spray" - Tomcats and deodorants... hairsprays, perfumes and aftershaves.  I don't like to smell someone else's artificial scent  in the cinema, in the restaurant.... or in my own home....   it's the equivalent of a wild animal walking up to me and pissing in my face.  Can you imagine what would happen to said animal?

So my fishing pants smell like Grimsby Docks.... my walking gear all smells like it's been dragged through a hedge backwards..... and me?  I'm somewhere in the middle!  I don't actually know what I smell of....  I don't think anyone knows their own particular scent really.... but you get familiar with other people's odours, and according to Dawn.... mine isn't bad, and I'll settle for that.

I have a blotchy skin.... the best thing for it is to be outside in the fresh air and to get some exercise.... not to block my pores with laboratory crafted potions.  I don't feel the need to dye my grey hair, or to turn back the clock.....  I'm getting old, it's a fact and I'm not the first person it's happened to and I certainly won't be the last.... unless everyone comes and pisses in my face.... then you're all dead!

(God help any woman who dares to wear one of those offensive scents - namely Poison or Opium (just two past fragrances that make me physically ill) - near me!)

No, dear reader, the world of male grooming is not for me.  I'm proudly cosmetically challenged!

Geocaching for beginners

I've already covered this topic.....  but for the benefit of anyone who might have missed it.....

Imagine if you will, as I often do, that you are going out for a walk.  A perfectly normal thing to do, and even more normal if you're accompanied by a dog.

Now imagine if you will, that you are taking the same walk that you took yesterday, or the week before, or a month ago, and you could magically turn this walk into something slightly different to the last time you did it.... in the same way that mixing up your walks benefits any canine companion you might have, it would also have similar beneficial properties for your good self.

The answer to this and many other situations is simply.... Let's hunt for treasure.

Now "treasure" as everyone knows is relative.... one man's meat is another man's poison and all that.... what's good for a goose is often good for a gander..... so my idea of treasure may differ slightly to your idea of treasure if you see what I mean?  So let's all agree to disagree and reach the conclusion that every young boy already knows..... that the hunt for the treasure is usually much more fun than the actual "treasure" you may find at the end of it.

So we're all clear now.... this bloody dog is going to get walked whether he/she likes it or not..... and we WILL look for "treasure" and you WILL bloody well enjoy it, or at least look like you're enjoying it.

So, you get your treasure map (incorporating all the "treasure" locations that are in and around your chosen walk) and you head out armed with a pencil, some tacky but small plastic toys (badges, keyrings, erasers, little soldiers and toy figures) and and a dog (optional).

Reaching the first location (remembering not to pull drystone walling apart) you scout around a bit looking for obvious piles of stones (less obvious than a pile of stone in the shape of a drystone wall) and without looking too suspicious you lift a few stones, move a few branches and seek out the glistening hues of a tupperware container.  Just like rockpooling, it's best to remember that you should put EVERYTHING back EXACTLY as you found it or the sea creatures will die.... and a useful but sometimes troubling geocaching rule of thumb is "try to leave the place tidier than when you arrived".

So you found the right spot, you've turned over a few stones, moved a few branches, had a wee behind a tree and tried to not look like you're "dogging" or "piking" to all passers-by.... you find the tupperware "treasure" and open it up to find (mostly but not exclusively)......

1) Soggy notebook or piece of paper with all previously successful treasure hunters dates and signatures.

2) An Ikea pencil which is usually blunt - I carry a penknife to sharpen said pencil or my own pencil!

3) Some useless items of no financial value that you may exchange for one of your own pieces of junk.

So, you sign the soggy paper trying not to punch your newly sharpened pencil straight through it, swap a piece of plastic, reseal the leaking tupperware box, and put it back where you found it for the next lucky contestant to find.

Sound like fun to you?

Life without meat

A long time ago, in a curry house not so far away.... I sat and ate a fine lamb curry.

The curry house - Sapnas on Venn Street in Huddersfield.

The time.... probably 3AM (eternally) and perhaps the year 1990 or thereabouts.

It was the last piece of meat that I ordered.

The next day I was vegan.... stopped buying wool, silk (not that I ever bought silk anything anyway), leather, milk, cheese, meat, eggs..... the list goes on.  The Friday big-shop went from being a pleasant 1 hour saunter through the local Tesco's to being a frantic four hour marathon of ingredient listings, E number translations and painful scrutinisation of lots of small print.

Retrospectively I tried to justify my decision to become vegan by applying the principles of karma and the concept of yin yang.... really it was just about me trying to balance the forces of good and bad in my life.... I was a pretty bad guy doing lots of bad things and I needed some sort of good thing to balance the scales.

For eight years I managed to avoid animal produce..... it was a harsh time and it was difficult to go on holiday anywhere or to eat out anywhere.  It was a DIY culture where everything had to be cooked from scratch at home and one which mainstream society had no clue about - times have changed since then and people are much more aware now.  It is not uncommon to walk into a pub and see items on their menus that are even labelled as "vegan" - this would never have happened in 1990.

The Vegan magazine was a helpful publication at the time, and you could, if you shopped around find a guesthouse with vegan catering, and I do remember vegan breaks in The Lakes, at Blackpool, and we even found a vegan restaurant on the island of Zakynthos (tucked away behind Greece's answer to Blackpool).

During a weekend break in Whitby, it was decided that I would start to eat fish again... probably 1998 or thereabouts, and what better place to do so than the famous Magpie restaurant on the harbour front.  I tucked into a fish supper of immense proportion for the first time in many years - and no doubt it was fried in beef dripping as well as is the Yorkshire wont.

And that's it.... I eat fish and seafood and I'm none too fussy if something contain gelatine.  Once I accidently picked up a slice of pizza that had meat on it and rather than waste it I ate it....  the Chinese takeaway once served me sweet and sour chicken instead of king prawn and I still ate it.....  I'm not fussy.

My choice is.....  I don't eat meat... that's it.... you can call me a half-arsed vegetarian.... a pescetarian.... a tree hugger.... call me what you want....

I'm NOT fussy!

Say what now?

I was just flicking through my "stats" and it would appear that I received six hundred and sixty six pageviews in the month of May.....  Strange!

Wow it's been a busy little day with one thing and another.  I know that most people don't consider the things that I do as anything other than procrastination but I've done loads of it!

I have sectioned and printed a whole heap of OS maps for the purpose of walking.  This also involved me going to my mum's house to use the printer and to return something she'd passed on to me in error, and of course involved me copying everything onto a USB stick to take with me for the printing which also included a Langdale Pike walk document that I've downloaded.

I emptied the dishwasher.  I emptied the drainer on the sink of the items that don't go in the dishwasher.

I went to see Richard to get some computery bits to rebuild a computer that I've been doing for the past few hours - which is going badly wrong and making me tear my hair out.  I've even spoke to Richard about what he thinks and I am still no further with it.

I've spent time researching the "movie and meal" deals that we could choose for this weekend and finally chosed.... and booked that for Saturday night.

I've watched the end of a film that we started watching last night.  I've watched a film that I downloaded last night while I slept.

I've broken and subsequently bodged back together my USB stick.  My NEW USB stick no less..... it fell into three pieces!  It's only a couple of weeks old.

And that's about it - all time consuming nonsense that somebody simply HAS to do.... and I've jolly well done it!

AND I've written a blog entry for the day!