Cosmetics for men

I don't wear make-up.  I've never worn "guy liner" or had a "back, sack and crack waxing"....  Hell, most days I don't even bother to shave.....  I'm a veritable Neanderthal as far as male grooming goes.

I use a bit of Old Spice deodorant of the stick variety....  and some Super Matey bubble bath......  I occasionally use a bit of sunscreen because I spend so many hours outside either fishing or walking.  One of my sunscreens is a combined moisturiser and sun block.... and THAT is about as far as we go.

I'm not keen on things that "spray" - Tomcats and deodorants... hairsprays, perfumes and aftershaves.  I don't like to smell someone else's artificial scent  in the cinema, in the restaurant.... or in my own home....   it's the equivalent of a wild animal walking up to me and pissing in my face.  Can you imagine what would happen to said animal?

So my fishing pants smell like Grimsby Docks.... my walking gear all smells like it's been dragged through a hedge backwards..... and me?  I'm somewhere in the middle!  I don't actually know what I smell of....  I don't think anyone knows their own particular scent really.... but you get familiar with other people's odours, and according to Dawn.... mine isn't bad, and I'll settle for that.

I have a blotchy skin.... the best thing for it is to be outside in the fresh air and to get some exercise.... not to block my pores with laboratory crafted potions.  I don't feel the need to dye my grey hair, or to turn back the clock.....  I'm getting old, it's a fact and I'm not the first person it's happened to and I certainly won't be the last.... unless everyone comes and pisses in my face.... then you're all dead!

(God help any woman who dares to wear one of those offensive scents - namely Poison or Opium (just two past fragrances that make me physically ill) - near me!)

No, dear reader, the world of male grooming is not for me.  I'm proudly cosmetically challenged!

Geocaching for beginners

I've already covered this topic.....  but for the benefit of anyone who might have missed it.....

Imagine if you will, as I often do, that you are going out for a walk.  A perfectly normal thing to do, and even more normal if you're accompanied by a dog.

Now imagine if you will, that you are taking the same walk that you took yesterday, or the week before, or a month ago, and you could magically turn this walk into something slightly different to the last time you did it.... in the same way that mixing up your walks benefits any canine companion you might have, it would also have similar beneficial properties for your good self.

The answer to this and many other situations is simply.... Let's hunt for treasure.

Now "treasure" as everyone knows is relative.... one man's meat is another man's poison and all that.... what's good for a goose is often good for a gander..... so my idea of treasure may differ slightly to your idea of treasure if you see what I mean?  So let's all agree to disagree and reach the conclusion that every young boy already knows..... that the hunt for the treasure is usually much more fun than the actual "treasure" you may find at the end of it.

So we're all clear now.... this bloody dog is going to get walked whether he/she likes it or not..... and we WILL look for "treasure" and you WILL bloody well enjoy it, or at least look like you're enjoying it.

So, you get your treasure map (incorporating all the "treasure" locations that are in and around your chosen walk) and you head out armed with a pencil, some tacky but small plastic toys (badges, keyrings, erasers, little soldiers and toy figures) and and a dog (optional).

Reaching the first location (remembering not to pull drystone walling apart) you scout around a bit looking for obvious piles of stones (less obvious than a pile of stone in the shape of a drystone wall) and without looking too suspicious you lift a few stones, move a few branches and seek out the glistening hues of a tupperware container.  Just like rockpooling, it's best to remember that you should put EVERYTHING back EXACTLY as you found it or the sea creatures will die.... and a useful but sometimes troubling geocaching rule of thumb is "try to leave the place tidier than when you arrived".

So you found the right spot, you've turned over a few stones, moved a few branches, had a wee behind a tree and tried to not look like you're "dogging" or "piking" to all passers-by.... you find the tupperware "treasure" and open it up to find (mostly but not exclusively)......

1) Soggy notebook or piece of paper with all previously successful treasure hunters dates and signatures.

2) An Ikea pencil which is usually blunt - I carry a penknife to sharpen said pencil or my own pencil!

3) Some useless items of no financial value that you may exchange for one of your own pieces of junk.

So, you sign the soggy paper trying not to punch your newly sharpened pencil straight through it, swap a piece of plastic, reseal the leaking tupperware box, and put it back where you found it for the next lucky contestant to find.

Sound like fun to you?

Life without meat

A long time ago, in a curry house not so far away.... I sat and ate a fine lamb curry.

The curry house - Sapnas on Venn Street in Huddersfield.

The time.... probably 3AM (eternally) and perhaps the year 1990 or thereabouts.

It was the last piece of meat that I ordered.

The next day I was vegan.... stopped buying wool, silk (not that I ever bought silk anything anyway), leather, milk, cheese, meat, eggs..... the list goes on.  The Friday big-shop went from being a pleasant 1 hour saunter through the local Tesco's to being a frantic four hour marathon of ingredient listings, E number translations and painful scrutinisation of lots of small print.

Retrospectively I tried to justify my decision to become vegan by applying the principles of karma and the concept of yin yang.... really it was just about me trying to balance the forces of good and bad in my life.... I was a pretty bad guy doing lots of bad things and I needed some sort of good thing to balance the scales.

For eight years I managed to avoid animal produce..... it was a harsh time and it was difficult to go on holiday anywhere or to eat out anywhere.  It was a DIY culture where everything had to be cooked from scratch at home and one which mainstream society had no clue about - times have changed since then and people are much more aware now.  It is not uncommon to walk into a pub and see items on their menus that are even labelled as "vegan" - this would never have happened in 1990.

The Vegan magazine was a helpful publication at the time, and you could, if you shopped around find a guesthouse with vegan catering, and I do remember vegan breaks in The Lakes, at Blackpool, and we even found a vegan restaurant on the island of Zakynthos (tucked away behind Greece's answer to Blackpool).

During a weekend break in Whitby, it was decided that I would start to eat fish again... probably 1998 or thereabouts, and what better place to do so than the famous Magpie restaurant on the harbour front.  I tucked into a fish supper of immense proportion for the first time in many years - and no doubt it was fried in beef dripping as well as is the Yorkshire wont.

And that's it.... I eat fish and seafood and I'm none too fussy if something contain gelatine.  Once I accidently picked up a slice of pizza that had meat on it and rather than waste it I ate it....  the Chinese takeaway once served me sweet and sour chicken instead of king prawn and I still ate it.....  I'm not fussy.

My choice is.....  I don't eat meat... that's it.... you can call me a half-arsed vegetarian.... a pescetarian.... a tree hugger.... call me what you want....

I'm NOT fussy!