Twenty one today.

I think I mentioned previously that you should NEVER piss off a blogger...... This advice holds just as true for Egears.co.uk (who you should never ever use) as it does for my own family.

....

Phone rings.... and rings....

I half open my eyes, pick up the phone, notice it's my mother calling....

I hold onto the phone for a split second hoping it will ring off and I can go back to sleep, until my conscience pricks me enough that I have to answer it anyway.

My throat is still closed, and so are my eyes.

Hello....

"Hello, did you know it was me?" asks my mother.

"For christ's sake, my mobile phone, just like anyone else's tells me who is calling... it is no longer a surprise to discover who has broken my slumber." I think to myself.

"Yes" I reply.

"Blah blah blah"

"I'm tired" I respond.

"Are you ill?" my mother asks.

"No I'm tired, I have just woken up" and I am becoming increasingly frustrated and angered at being woken up to make small talk.

"It's eleven o' clock" my mother usefully point out..... "Is it eleven at night?"

"No it's morning, but I was asleep" I reiterate.

"Have you read about our trip to Sydney on the blog?" my mother asks.

At this point, having just about managed to adjust my eyes to daylight, and wondering whether my legs are still attached to my body, I feel like a prisoner under interrogation. Of course if I had read the blog, then there would have been a subsequently pointed and no doubt sarcastic, caustic or rude comment from me, I think.

"No I've not read the blog." I answer, desperately trying to not let myself think out loud.

"Oh."

"I've just woken up." I reiterate.

"Yes I know you've just woken up, you keep telling me." retorts my increasingly angry mother.

"And you don't think that in me protesting about coming under question and pressure to make small talk within 15 seconds of waking up is a signal to leave me alone?" I think to myself.

Several more exchanges increasingly anger me where my mother talks over the top of a slight voice delay and my answers to questions so that I end up repeating myself over and over.... I am in no mood for this.

"How is the snow?" She asks.

"Gone."

"I read about it on your blog, and someone at work told Rob about it." she usefully informs me.

"Oh."

"Did it just snow there or everywhere else?"

"I haven't been EVERYWHERE else!!!!!!" I protest.

"Why don't you let XXXX look after things for a few days. you have her number, and she'd love to do it" asks my mother.

At this point I am no longer even in the conversation - XXXX looked after things before and the Rayburn burned itself out. My girlfriend at the time spent days cleaning up cat shit where a disinterested friend had been in to feed the cats but had not noticed the smell of burning or seemingly of the room next door being full of cat shit. This must by mum's definition of "love to".

Eventually, I can hear mum's voice begin to crack as she realises that no matter how hard she tries, there will be no sense in poking a bear that you've just brought out of hibernation. My day has been well and truly ruined, and I'm not even out of bed.

Phone call behind me, I get up, fuming. Arrive in the kitchen with cat puke to clean up. The weather is so bad, but on the basis that the chickens have not been out in two days, I decide to give them an option. I wish I didn't. The garden is strewn with pieces of a dilapidated compost bin. Watering cans, bits of metal, plastic, and compost are all over the place.

I tie everything back together, shovel up, sweep up, disinfect the kitchen again..... offer the chickens a chance of freedom and they huddle in a corner. I shut the door and leave them to it.

A great start to the day....

I "LOVE TO" do this!!

Snowy Sunday.

It's Sunday, I have shaved all my hair off and the weather takes a nose dive. My core temperature has gone with it. Damn, it's cold. So cold is it, that today we received our first bout of snow! Not much to write home about, but definitely snow, and a cold fog, and lots of slushy rain too.

There are six points on a snowflake, and each snowflake is completely unique. The magic of fractals.

Here are the Sunday searches. I am celebrating day twenty, and the fact that I have now officially passed the half way mark. The cats are all alive and there are still some chickens left. I'm working on it though... whilst trying to keep warm!!!!

the sims ruined my computer (Google)
Lucky you.... My computer's fine, but my life's in shreds. Thank your lucky stars and move on to the next level.

is the arctic fox born alive or in a egg (Google)
You're kidding me, right? Apart from the obvious, that would be "an egg" not "a egg"...... you've got to be kidding me!! Ok, just to clear this up.... For mammals, ONLY the platypus and the long-beaked and short-beaked echidnas lay eggs..... The arctic fox is born alive!!

"i gave her a black eye" (Google)
You bloody cad!! Email in your address so we can forward it on to the relevant department.

anyone used http://www.egears.co.uk/ (Google)
Yeah, me, and I suggest you don't!

i have not smoked for 20 years are my lungs ok (Google)
Here is a timetable of what happens when you stop smoking. Well done for managing twenty years.... I reckon you have nothing to worry about in terms of excess risk. I reckon you should know your own body better than any text book though... if they feel ok, then I am sure they are fine... if they don't feel too good, then google it on the web before going to see your GP who will just do the same thing anyway.

huddersfield pearl festival of light (Google)
That's an easy one... I was there, and it was great. The Plasticiens Volants website is here.Here's someone else's video clip on youtube. Here's what the Huddersfield Examiner made of it.

2 huddersfield swingers" (Google)
Erm.... are you looking for two swingers or are you two swingers looking for something? Have you tried doggersweb? How about adultfriendfinder too??

pics of baby arctic foxes (Google)
Oh, that old chestnut... try google images!!

inventions for finding goods on shelves in supermarkets made easy(Google)
This one is a no-brainer.... try using your eyes!! The perfect tool for the job. Also, if you really can't see something you want, they hang those signs over the aisles to tell you which aisle has cereals in, and which is alcohol..... If you're REALLY stuck, try asking a member of staff!! For that reason, googler, I'm out!!


toad (Google)
toad (AOL)
Bloody Toad even gets his own search results now!! Grrrrr!! Bad Toad!!

N...n...n...n...

Nineteen!!

I'm almost at the halfway mark of the thirty nine day stretch.

Last night we went into Huddersfield to witness the Festival of Light. There was a French troupe, known as Plasticiens Volants, and they were performing a play called Pearl..... Well, let's just say.... lights.... inflatables.... fireworks..... blue whale.... fish..... crabs..... lobster...... giant eel.... You wouldn't believe the spectacle, it was like town had been invaded by aliens!!

I think for the full story, you should go here.

Anyhoo, I'm tidying up my house a bit today. I've tidied up a bit at mum's house.... fed the cats and the chickens. I locked the cats out for the remainder of the day while I tidy my own house so that when I return this evening to attend to their second feeding and the ceremonial locking up of the chicken coop, accompanied by a twenty one egg salute, then I can be sure I won't have to start hoovering cat hairs or disinfecting sideboards or cleaning puke off the Rayburn..... you get the idea!!

When I sort myself out and get some pictures sorted there'll be enough for a month of pure picture blogging.... no words required..... I laughingly say "when"!!

Toodle-oo-the-noo

Let me tell you....

.... about argon. No, I'll leave you in the dark a bit longer.

Last Sunday, at a loss of where to treat my good ladyfriend to some lunch, I managed to coerce her into a trip to Marsden, and to the Riverhead. It doesn't take a genius to know that I worship at the altar of Riverhead's very own beers, and you are not alone in suspecting that my motives were not entirely "lunch" oriented... Honestly, if some beer happened to fall into my mouth whilst eating lunch, then far be it from me to object.....

Anyways.....

I decided to drive, which would of course negate the possibility of me not making it up the flight of stairs into the dining room, and from pulling up a chair at the bar instead. We got there, and decided to get a drink to take upstairs with us......

Everyone who knows me or has looked at any of my photos or knows where I MOST love to walk, will know I am mad about Cupwith Reservoir and Marsden Moor. The Riverhead brewery name their beers after local reservoirs.... I've drunk Deer Hill Porter.... Butterley Bitter..... Sparth Mild....... Black Moss Stout....... and NOW..... (insert drumroll).... Cupwith Special...... Well, if the Cupwith Special isn't one of the nicest beers I have ever drunk. I think I have died and gone to beer heaven.

Anyways......

I gets my pint of Cupwith Special, and we heads on up to the dining room. Neither of us has eaten at the Riverhead before, so it's always a gamble trying something new, but if their beer is anything to go by..... Well, my good lady chose the Sunday lunch option of the beef variety, and I chose fish and chips.

It was excellent!! I can't recommend it highly enough.... small details, like carrots flavoured (and coloured) with black treacle and courgettes with fennel seeds made it a great experience. Service excellent. Food exceptional. Beer heavenly. Price reasonable. You should go there!!

Incidentally for anyone visiting the "Festival of Light" in Huddersfield tonight.... look out for me!! I will be there somewhere. Perhaps you can spot me on this webcam? After it's all over, then head down to the Rat and Ratchet, where their guest beer is (currently) .... Cupwith Special!!! After your beer, pop next door to Lahori Taste and get yourself a fish pakora... delightful.... tell them I sent you!!

Ok, here it is then.... Argon is atomic number 18 (coinciding with day 18 of my chicken related experience) and it's also the gas that is used in your common or garden lightbulbs.... the Festival of Light..... so..... well, you can see how much thought I put into these things can't you. It's oh so deep.... and yesterday I used a "Sound of Music " reference to "Sixteen going on Seventeen" to signify the seventeenth day of penance. Watch this space for more cryptic links. It's a bit shit when you have to explain your own ideas... it's a bit like laughing at your own jokes.

The hills are alive....

... with the sound of.... well, nothing really.

A very quiet and peaceful day in Pole Moor. The kind of day where birds don't bother to flap their wings. A windless, bright, November, frosty start, which soon melted under the gentle warmth of a lowrise winter sun. The end of the day, punctuated by a ruby sunset and rising waxing crescent moon. Mellow birds indeed!!

Just the thing for a hangover!!

Had a night on the tiles with the Turtle again!! It's becoming a bit of a habit. The Rat and Ratchet's coffers are certainly benefiting from our patronage. The surprise beer of the night was, of course, another damn eight percent cider!! Biddendens Dry, which knocked our collective socks well and truly off. I hear that Biddendens also make a Sweet, and I will certainly be looking out for that little beauty.

It is, of course, day seventeen in the chicken coop. I seem to be getting the hang of it now, because there was no cat puke today, and I haven't lost any chickens for a while. Now, if the bloody internet connection would catch up, and the computer would behave.... I think I might even bring my knackered old laptop up here.

Tonight I am requested by way of a return favour, to photograph a bath. The cast iron antique bath is destined for Ebay, and is being sold by a technophobic neighbour, whose sister is going to list the item, but requires the pictures.

I lead such an exciting life, don't I?

Sweet sixteen.

A film by the magnificent Ken (Kes) Loach.

I went to the UK film premiere during the Leeds Film Festival. There were three important things to note:

1) Ken Loach was actually there and gave a little speech before the film started.

2) The film features subtitles for the first five minutes to break you into the Scottish accent (Glaswegian? I forget), after which time they disappear and you're on your own.

3) The young star of the movie was not old enough to actually sit and watch the film with us (thanks to the British Board of Film Classification and their fear of any four letter words that begin with the letter C).

Fifteen.

It is a brief update for today. I'm not wearing any!!

I jest of course....

Fifteen is a fascinating number and commonly refers to those little sliding puzzle things..... you know...... Like this one!

I've got a lot of pain in my right hand wrist, and my right leg heel. I am starting to think that there is some element of nerve damage going on, but I know a trip to the doctor will yield nothing more than a cursory examination followed by a prescription for which I could buy the same product over the counter at a much more reasonable price. I am simply going to rest them both for a few days and see if there is any change...... What a pain!! Literally. It does of course mean, I get to sit on my arse all day watching films with no real guilty conscience.

Cats: Well behaved today.
Chickens: No further losses to report.
I'm a celebrity: Really dreadfu.... BANG!....... uhhhhh.

A square pyramidal number.....

.... that lies somewhere between thirteen and fifteen.

I am two weeks into this cruel experiment. I can only imagine you are JUST as bored with it as I am!! A grand total of twenty five days remain. Even the puking cats of Pole Moor have now apparently joined me in protest and gone on hunger strike, flatly refusing to eat their churned up fish flavoured repast.

Gardening and car washing have been the order of the day. It's been a gloriously unseasonal sunny November day, which actually started with the first hard frost of the season - I guess the frost and the sunny weather today are simply symptoms of the clear skies that abound.

I can not tell you the last time I washed my car.... it's quite disturbing when you eventually look closely at the chipped paintwork, the tar-flecked panels, the moss covered crevices, and the insect plastered bumpers, of which my preferred mode of transport comprise.

Wash, rinse, wash, rinse, wash, rinse, dry, wash, dry, buff, spot the bits you missed and start again.... what a pain in the arse. I NOW remember why I never bothered washing my car before!! Still, it's strange the effect that a couple of weeks of puking cats and escaping chickens can have one you.

I'm fairly sure by the end of the week I'll be regaling you with tales of how exciting the new series of "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" is!! If I do, will someone please shoot me?

Thanks.

Unlucky for some.

Day thirteen of the house shuffling exercise, and indeed it's been very unlucky for some... well, one actually..... namely, me!! How can four cats in the space of twelve hours produce seven piles of vomit? It's really starting to piss me off to some major extent now. The cleaning of the Rayburn cooker with baked on cat vomit has long since lost its fascination.

So, here it is.... Sunday searching (again).... enjoy.

not feeling too cracky (Google)
I am not sure why you would type this into Google, or what you might be expecting to find. I can only imagine this was searched for by some G.P. sat behind a desk with a patient in front of them describing their symptoms.

"krypton egg"+blogspot+http (Google)
Oh, how we loved the Krypton Egg. It was an Atari ST classic. Written by a guy called Alexandre Kral circa 1990. I did manage to download a version for a Nokia phone at one point which was written by Xavier Kral - Alexandre's brother. After a brief exchange of emails, I can confirm that they are as cool as you might imagine. Download a copy for the Atari ST from somewhere if you can.....Perhaps the Little Green Desktop is as good a place as any to begin?

"Blog is closed" site:blogspot.com -theokara.blogspot.com (Google)
Not really sure why anyone would be searching for a website by typing its address into Google. Surely, you'd just type theokara.blogspot.com into the address bar of your chosen browser and wait for the page to load? By an by, it looks like the blog in question IS closed, but it was a portal for downloading movies from. An interesting random surf for me.

how long is the Aritic Fox? (Google)
The "Aritic" fox is actually the same size as an "Arctic" Fox.... unless you make the pedantic observation that in truetype fonts, an "i" is narrower than a "c", in which case the answer would be: Just a little bit shorter than an Arctic Fox, actually. Thank you for calling, come again.

arctic fox hunting photos (Google)
I never tire of clicking the "images" button in Google for people who haven't quite worked it out yet.

draw your brakes lyrics scotty (Google)
Thanks to spice for this, I am the ONLY person on the whole world wide web that has these lyrics on their website. See them here!!

"more tea, vicar" fart (Google)
I don't know many people who...
a) find farting quite as funny as I do....
b) repeat the phrase "more tea, vicar?" when anyone farts.
I am pleased to know that someone else was interested in this quality statement though. I think it was Worcester Dan that first brought the statement up on my blog, but I am now pleased to know that this will forever more be immortalised in Google by my reiteration.... more tea, vicar?

christmas lights in newton stewart dumfries scotland (AOL)
Have you been to Newton Stewart in Dumfries (or stupid chips as my cousins would call it) in Scotland? It's small.... and cold, and last time I was there, there were boy racers in the Somerfields car park!! I can not tell you when the lights will be switched on there, but I can say that they were switched on last year on the 1st of December - The Friday night. Perhaps the Stupid-Chips and Galloway Tourist Board may help with your enquiry? I did enjoy this article about last year's event though.... very dramatic.

eek noodle mouses (Google)
I never thought that many people would be interested in my "noodle doodle" song, and I wasn't far wrong. There have been a select few that have found my page though, and I am glad to have shared the song with the world. You can go back and read it here.

egears.co.uk problems (Google)
NEVER piss a blogger off!! That's the moral of the story. This week, it's still my second highest search criteria, and I am guessing that lots of people are also having worries or troubles about dealing with Egears. Well you want my advice? Don't bother. don't trust them. Don't waste your time and money on them.

Bloody hell.

I just came on to write my day eleven chicken maintenance diary, and to expand upon the seven deadly sins concept....

Yesterday's posting has completely disappeared!!

I wrote about Philadelphia cheese spread and some other such nonsense.... The post was successful, and yet, today, it's gone.... this has never happened to me before and I can only put it down to the fact that the computer at my mum's house just simply defies all rhyme or reason.

The growing list of things that I can't do here at Chicken Towers is growing in number and vexatious by the minute.

I refuse to play along. I am packing up my bat and ball, and going to sit in the sulky corner!!

Post update update......... I found the post that went missing.... for some wacky reason the date stamp had gone awry, and of course the blog entry wasn't in the place where it was supposed to be..... it is now, and that's yesterday.... read all about Philadelphia if you like.

Dual ten-nancy.

Ok, so I am now hopping between the two houses with alarming frequency. As an example, I think I have visited both houses today no less than three times each. I don't know whether I am coming or going, and I am uncertain as to where my slippers and pipe are.

Too blustery and wet today to even contemplate letting the chickens out. I can only hope that they are not plotting some escape plan, whilst literally being cooped up all day!!

Cats are in good shape, and even received a little bit of affection and attention, courtesy of Veronica, my good friend Turtle's Czechoslovakian lady friend. I think they quite enjoyed someone noticing them for a change, and promptly shed enough fur to make a suitably nineteen-eighties style Harris Tweed jacket!! Apart from calling them all Rupert, I think Veronica liked them.

Ah, now where was I with my not so deadly sins?

Gluttony.....

I cast my mind back to the days when I was knee high to a grasshopper. A rugrat, an anklebiter, and no mistake. I used to love Philadelphia cream cheese, especially in sandwiches. I am guessing I would be about six or seven years old, and was overjoyed to find a tub of said spreadable comestible in our fridge. Times were hard in those days, and it was a rare treat.

I decided, liking the cool white cheese as I did, that a sandwich of pure and utter indulgence would be in order. I spread the whole frikking tub into one enormous Scooby Doo style butty. It must have been an inch thick between two slices of Mother's Pride sliced white. Heaven.

I took a bite, and the senses were positively jarred.... Could this be? Had I actually discovered at a very early age, that just because you like something, it doesn't automatically follow suit that the more of it there is, the better it will be? It was frikking horrible.

I opened the window, and hoyed the sandwich out. It lay there beating, like the telltale heart. When Mama discovered the chunky white slab with visible teeth marks cut into the corner, well it didn't take a forensic expert to piece it all together......

She never forgave me for wasting this precious and rare commodity. I was sent to a boarding school, and only allowed home on every ninth Sunday. I learned my lesson, and prefer Marmite now.

Nine down...

Thirty to go....

That's just about a month of chicken maintenance left to run.

Three down.....

Four to go.......

That's nearly half way through the seven deadly sins!!

Which sin fits the bill today? Can I do sloth again?? Unfortunately, I think not.

Lust? My spate of visiting lapdancing clubs? The Nana Plaza in Bangkok?

Perhaps the "gentleman's cheese and wine party" at the Greyhound, for the "Wattle Fettlers club" (which uncannily fits in with my chicken theme too) whom I graciously printed tickets for and received a complimentary invitation for my troubles.

It consisted of some pretty dirty strippers, who were in fact offering slightly more than your usual striptease..... I grimaced as some old man tried in vain to conjure an erection whilst two girls shoved bananas where monkeys shove bad nuts.

At this point, I slipped out of the back of the bar, rolled a spliff, and sat and chatted with the girls that still had their clothes on. They were nice enough, but I still never understood what made them tick....

I can only guess it was all about money..... Lust for money!!

I h8 them!

As part of my seven deadly sins, I bring to you "envy".

Those smartarses at Kew Gardens not only upstage my "bowling cam" bu they do it with so much style and pizzazz, that I veritably covet their webcam!!

You can look at it here if you MUST!!

As for everything else, well.....

Done a bit of walking (seven or eight miles on Sunday, and to the pub last night!!)

Went to a bonfire and fireworks display (Despite being neither catholic nor protestant, I still feel aggrieved that one of Yorkshire's crazy folk should be repeatedly burned atop a fire each year with such revelry.... Especially in Yorkshire!!)

Lost another chicken (Current total is now 17)

Been out for lunch.

Watched a bit of TV

Finished a book (Ben Elton - Stark - An excellent read.)

Cleaned up "baked on" cat puke from the Rayburn in the kitchen!!

Usual stuff then.....

(Note: This is a first draft of the blog entry for today. The finished article never made it to press. We all know that blogger has a lovely "autosave" feature, and the ability to save a document at any time you wish as you type it, but nobody has contended with this paranoid android of a computer that I am writing it with..... "SecurityToken: Your request could not be processed. Please try again." is all it tells me, and the final edit falls out of the printer port onto the floor, to be swept up with all the cat hairs.

Seven deadly sins.

Sloth.......

End of message!!

Sunday search for six.

Day six Pole Moor diaries.

No introduction necessary by now. You all should know what my Sunday Search terms are all about, and if you don't then look back at the last few Sunday postings to get the idea.

what would happen if the arctic fox died (Google)
The first thing you would probably notice would be a severe lack of blog entries. I'm touched that you're already planning how best to cope without me, but it's a little premature!!

Jenni Falconer porn (Google)
Hahaha, one minute it's Jenni's anti-smoking campaign. No sooner have I scratched that itch for you, than you want what?? Seriously, I'm not sure there's any Jenni Falconer porn out there, she is far too busy presenting televisual gold, like the lottery and Cirque du Celebrite to need any extra exposure!! You're just not going to find it, and don't just take that from me, here's someone who has spent more time than I ever would researching it.

pinch and a punch first day of the month cut off (Google)
In my twisted little world, the rules of "pinch and a punch for the first of the month" are as follows:

a) You may pinch and punch anyone until midday of the first day of the month.

b) Once you have been pinched and punched yourself, you may not pinch and punch any further until the next month.

c) You may not pinch and punch anyone who pinched and punched you first.

d) You must declare "pinch and punch for the first of the month" as you pinch and punch your victims.

The rules above are completely made up and I accept no responsibility for anything that happens to anyone, ever!

egears (and any other derivatives) (Any search engine)
So many people have found my site searching for egears that it's now the second highest commonly searched for item that leads people here. I still maintain that you should not touch them with a barge pole. Find someone who will give you some customer service and satisfaction instead.

adopt a arctic fox (Google)
I am open to offers... highest bid wins!!

fox halloween porn (Google)
What the?? I can only reiterate, perhaps you should try here?
(pictures seem to broken to me, but mebbe that's just this freaking computer?)

rodney allen greenblatt (Google)
Try "Rodney alan Greenblat".... or go here instead!! I once almost persuaded Rodney to allow me to create a website for him.... almost!! Father of Parappa the Rapper of course!

HEBDEN BRIDGE BONFIRE 2007 ENTRANCE FEE PRICE (Google)
If you gotta pay to see a bonfire then you're barking up the wrong tree... i.e. a tree that's on fire!! For Hebden Bridge, you'd surely be better visiting the Hobbit's massive bonfire extravaganza.... in fact it's probably a bit late for that now... never mind.... but seriously DON'T pay to see a bonfire!!

gave up smoking indigestion (Google)
The nicotine lozenges that I started taking to get me off the cancer sticks did indeed give me (amongst other symptoms) indigestion. Persevere... buy Zantac, Gaviscon, Chewable Rennies, Tums, anything... all of them.... it's still cheaper and better for you than smoking... Good luck!!

knock knock jokes porcine (Google)
I'm such a fan of this search, it's untrue. Porcine knock knock jokes, it's deliciously correct. I like it so much, I give to you....
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pig
Pig who?
Pig up your feet or you'll Twip!

Just take five.

I am feeling relaxed today. Despite waking up with a banging headache and no internet connection.... some things are going my way.

First: Spice, yes your suggestion of "Chicken Rhythm" was duly noted and fulfilled. You know what? I like it!! Let's not think this means I am now playing requests though!! You've all got your own bloody blogs to fill with nonsense!! Hope everyone enjoys the new tune and spares a thought for me while I am "mucking out" this week!!

Second: Part of the reason behind today's headache was a few pints at the Barge and Barrel in Elland last evening. I think the "Bargee" was not quite up to scratch and may account for the thick head. What I did taste there, however, was something that launched me into beery heaven. Black Bee - A honey porter. I have recently discovered that (as a life long devotee of Chestnut Mild) I like mild and I like Guinness.... imagine my surprise to find a drink that falls inbetween the two.... and then to find a very nice honey brewed version of said drink..... paradise!!

Third: I am taking Dawn out tonight for a meal. She has been working really hard lately, and we don't always get the time together that she deserves... especially since I am confined to the chicken coop m0st nights..... It's not so much that I can't go out, as much as how bad I would feel if anything happened when I WAS out. We are going for noodles to Leeds... to Fuji Hiro.... one of our all time favourites.

Fourth: The bowling club at the back of my house has finally erected a smoking shelter!!!! It has been a constant source of disgruntlement to me, but amusing to webcam viewers, that the smokers congregate outside the door of the club, just outside my bedroom window. It gets quite noisy with the window open at night. Well, if you've been glued to "bowling cam" today, you'd have seen them putting up a smoking shelter at the other side of the club. Hooray!! It also means that anyone wishing to go to the club, will now (hopefully) no longer have to walk through a group of smokers blowing their wares in your face! I sound like a sanctimonious ex-smoker already!!

Fifth: It's a beeee-yooo-teeeee-ful day!! I've been "twitching" in the garden at Pole Moor. Not as a side effect of copious amounts of real-ale, and subsequent lack of it..... but in the fashion of bird-watching. There's some lovely birds out there. A similar bunch to the ones I get at home, but with a few differences...... Out there: Regular visits by pairs of blackbirds. The kestrel is never far away and is a delightful sight hovering over the fields. Thrushes.... I've seen quite a few of them, and it's not uncommon to see two or three chasing each other round the vegetable patches - Not sure if they are song or mistle. Wren, the little wren, my favourite bird.

Five and a halfth: I know this was supposed to be a Saturday Sample blog, but I forgot!! I thought it was Friday!! I've been Pole Moored!!

Channel 4.

Channel 4 is twenty five years old. Carol Vorderman looks a darn sight better now than she did on that first ever countdown show. She's a vixen.... thinking man's crumpet!!

Spent the day reading books, and practicing with my new camera.... Obviously I would like to show you the results of my efforts, but this computer doesn't allow me to upload anything.

Of course I could make the short trip home.... I could make the short trip home to check my post.... I could make the short trip home to check my email when the internet doesn't work here (there was 12 hours yesterday without internet again!!).... I could make the short trip home to read the blogs.... I could make the short trip home to write a blog..... I could make the short trip home to take a shower..... I could make the short trip home to cook food because the Aga here takes a couple of hours to reach cooking temperature...... I could make the short trip home to offload my photography and upload some samples.... I could make the short trip home to upload the items I have been scanning in, which are all from a box of memories, that I was going to upload and write about each day that I am house sitting.... I could make the short trip home to watch TV..... I could make the short trip home any time and as many times a day as necessary.....

That's not the point.....

Living in two houses is hard work. I am trying to minimise the disruption and to at least call one of the houses my "base". It would therefore make sense, that, having been trusted to look after my mum's house, and the fact that there are at least two feeding times and a chucking out and a locking up time, the "base" ought to be here at Pole Moor. It also makes sense because I have neighbours to watch over MY house, but there are none at Pole Moor.

I know I moan about it, I know I get angry when nothing works here. It just takes a little time to settle down to living in a house that isn't your own house, and I am sure the same would apply whether it were one hundred miles or one hundred yards away.

I am settling into the pace....

I am ready for some beer this weekend, that's for sure!!

Three....

And that's the magic number.

I am starting to relax into the Pole Moor pace of life.

I managed to get my USB Freeview adapter working last night, and it found a fair few channels. so long as I watch television on the computer, I don't have to miss too much now. Heroes was the evening's viewing highlight for me. A real treat.

Today, having let the chickens out into a wind tunnel filled with sideways-rain, and cleaned a veritable mountain of cat puke up, I went back to my house. I read the blogs, had a shower, collected a few more clothes, and tidied up a bit. My house is starting to feel a bit cold and unlived in now. I put the heating on for an hour and played a bit of Pogo.

Blip - Another internet disconnection......

Undeterred, I type on.

Settled into Pole Moor this afternoon - That is, up until the point where I decided it might be nice to watch a video!! Remember videos?? Well, the setup here, like the weather, is wild and unpredictable. After thirty minutes "rewiring" of the TV, the video recorder and the DVD writer, I was watching Whisky Galore (one of my all-time-favourites) and within thirty more minutes, of course I was fast asleep.

I am sure I have broken my heel. It's very painful, and I thought it was an achilles heel injury. When I cast my mind back to what I might have done to cause so much pain and damage, I was reminded of a time in a changing room somewhere, when I pulled on some trousers and caught the back of my heel on the wooden seat in the cubicle. I hit it quite hard, and it did bleed. I had forgotten all about it. I am thinking that recent walking expeditions have aggravated this injury. I really can't live with the concept that I might not be able to walk more than a few miles, or indeed be able to ride my bike. I don't know how long I should wait for it to mend itself before I visit a Google searching doctor about it.

Internet still down..... 11 minutes later and I am back again.

Adopt a Geordie accent now.

Day two in the Big Mother's house. Fox is trying to photograph birds in the garden. Unfortunately, it's not his garden, and the birds are none too pleased at being pursued by a peeping tom, and in due course call the police. It's the price you pay for being a novice photographer.... A well known member of the paparazzi may well have requested a payment in the region of three-hundred-thousand simoleans for the effort!!

I am thinking of buying a "freeview" box for my mum's house. The choice of five channels is such an alarming, disarming contrast with my hundred and odd usual choices, that I don't think I will make it through the week without a little more choice. Hell, I don't even think I will make it through the night knowing that I am missing next week's episode of "Heroes" on BBC3.

The folks finally made it to Australia... their final destination. Mum called at around midday today, which of course, is eleven at night, tonight, in their time in Sydney. How strange is that? They had quite a rough journey, but then a whole day on an aeroplane is not many peoples' idea of fun, is it?

I seem to have mislaid (pardon the pun) a chicken already. I am reliably informed there should be nineteen, but I have only managed to find eighteen of them. At this rate, I'll be out of a job within a week.

Grey.... That's what we have today.... a cloak of greyness. Grey skies, grey clouds, grey light. Flat and very uninviting. I am disappointed that the weather has not been conducive to getting out and about with my new camera..... not that there is any software to do anything with the sodding photos when I've taken them. I am thinking of bringing my old laptop up here, just so I can touch some familiar software......

Note: You can not touch software!! The old rule of computing thumb is.... If you can kick it, it's hardware. If you can't kick it, it's software, unless of course it's firmware, which is software you can kick!! Got that?? Good!

And now.... I have been trying to find a positive out of house-sitting here at Pole Moor, and you know what?? I think I may have found it. As you may know, it's halloween tonight. I won't be celebrating. The nearest neighbour here is a good few hundred metres away, and the likelihood of half-hearted adolescents in hoodies knocking on my door for sweets, in breach of their ASBOs, is negligible. That's my positive.

Oh, bugger, you've probably just realised that while I am sitting here at my mum's house in peace and quiet, there is a ninety percent chance that the ingredients for Yorkshire pudding are being plastered across the front of my own house because I wasn't there to fire my air rifle at the delinquents of Outlane!! Negative!!

Thirty nine steps.

Anyone who has followed my blog for any amount of time will know, without even having to think about it, that whenever I have to look after my mum's house at Pole Moor.....

I get extremely pissed off!!

Today is the start of thirty nine days of house sitting, of chicken husbandry, of cat caring, of shattered internet connections, and limited televisual experiences.

Eighteen chickens.

Four cats.

No internet. Well internet that is so temperamental that I have been trying to create a blog entry for nigh on six hours now.

Browsers that don't perform as they should - A combination of Opera, Firefox, and Internet Exploder will not (between them) allow me to publish a single photograph to my blog. A combination of windows internal firewall and the browsers' individual security settings are all arguing with each other.

Unfamiliar, unresponsive and frankly frustrating collection of photo editing software. I scanned a bunch of photographs earlier (for the purpose of my blog) and had to crop them.... It took me bloody hours for what should have been a ten minute exercise. The irony of this wasted time, is of course that the fourteen images I now have won't post.

A paranoid over zealous installation of Zonelabs Zonealarm (additional firewall), that won't let me fart without sticking a cork where monkeys shove bad nuts.

I've been house sitting for approximately twelve hours of the thirty nine days, and I am already tearing my hair out. Stay tuned for a complete and utter breakdown, which I predict will happen sometime around Thursday.