Drums please.

Day thirty five. We are in the final week, and to protect our "tidying up" investment, the cats are now banished from the house and consigned to the greenhouses for the rest of the week. Mum can make the decision to reopen the catflap to them when she gets back.

I might actually have a use for the bloody cats at my house.

A trip into the kitchen tonight left me with a churning stomach and the ultimate dilemma. A bloodied and slightly maimed mouse is hobbling about on the floor. There's blood around the upturned mousetrap, and the blood is semi dry. This mouse has been suffering for perhaps an hour or so.

I pick up the dustpan and scoop the blinded broken legged animal into it and take it outside. I put the dustpan down by my garden bench and hop back into the kitchen (I only have one shoe on). I imagine that the mouse will be eaten by something or suffer and die in its own time. It's more than I can take on my conscience.

I put on a walking boot on my left foot (to counterbalance the trainer on my right foot), and grab my stick (I cut and shaped my own big walking stick, which is not dissimilar to a neanderthal club) and head out to where I left the mouse. He is still there, shivering.

I tip the mouse out of the dustpan and bring down the club. I must have winced and closed my eyes, and completely missed!! Second time, I didn't!! His little body arched and twitched and he was gone.

Poor beggar. I feel saddened that I have hurt another animal, but I really don't want them in my house. I also feel sickened at having to finish one of those poor little critters off face-to-face as it were, but I know it was the right thing to do under the circumstance.

With all respect to the mouse and to my sensitive readers, I decided that it was not in good taste to photograph this untidy kill. I did, however, feel it was important for me to share the experience, if only to make someone feel as sick as I did!!

Little white lie.

In line, and in complete coincidence to Jen's advocacy of Freecycle, I have volunteered to collect a dining table and chairs for my friend, the Turtle. All hail Freecycle!! I just hope I can fit the stuff in my car without making more than two trips. (Good karma).

The Huddersfield beer festival looms large on the horizon. Officially beginning tomorrow, but will be frequented on Friday afternoon by Fred and myself, and of course anyone else who should wish to meet me there for some fine local ale!! Roll on Oktoberfest - In complete keeping with the current German Blogger bug that is still with us. (I am taking Fred for a trip out - gives both of the folks some space - Good karma).

Apparently (so my mum tells me) the birds are currently stocking up on food for their winter migrations. With that in mind, I ventured out into the garden this morning and replenished the feeders. Barefoot across a dew sodden lawn to pour sunflower hearts onto their feeding station. By the time I had come back into the kitchen, and was washing my hands, there were already a pair of starlings, a robin and a chaffinch, tucking into their tasty treats. (Great karma).

Fox 4 - 0 Mice!! For the less squeamish viewers, click here. for those of a sensitive nature, click here!! (Bad karma).

And, on to my white lie.

My last visit to the dentist a couple of weeks ago, resulted in a temporary filling, an xray, and the conclusion that I have a "plastinated" tooth (I thought that's what Doctor Von Hagens did to all them weird bodies). So, the best course of action is to extract the offending tooth and move on with my life.

I made the appointment to have the tooth extracted... It should have been done tomorrow, at two o' clock, which of course means it would all be over by two-thirty (the irony of dental appointments coinciding with two-thirty (tooth hurty.... geddit?) ALWAYS amuses me, and occurs more commonly than I would care to mention, although I am fairly sure I just did).

Since the temporary filling went in, I've had no bother with the tooth. It seems silly to let this young dentist of mine (who will insist on talking to me in dentist's language, which I subsequently have to nod and look up in the dictionary later) go through the process of struggling to pull this tooth, in the same way she struggled to get the drill into it in the first place. It's in an awkward place apparently. I thought teeth were supposed to be in the mouth, but then that's why I am not a dentist.

I called the dentist this morning, and in my best "poorly" voice:

"I'm sorry, but I am full of bronchitis, *cough* do you think it's too late to cancel my appointment?"
"Of course not, if you're ill." she replied, in a completely unenthusiastic, unconvinced manner. I was losing her.
" *cough* *splutter* OK well, if that's ok, I'll cancel and rebook when I feel better, thanks" and I quickly hung up before she could say no.

I managed to avoid a cancellation fee of around thirty quid. Makes me feel better already. (Very bad karma).

Dawn seems to think, that for my sins, I have now wished bronchitis upon myself. (That's some very heavy bad JuJu right there, coming down on my sorry ass.... Thanks Dawn!!)

My name is *cough* Earl!!

Choke....

Choke, gasp, gag........

Last night was an adventure. I introduced the lovely Dawn to the world of tapas. A restaurant I had never tried before, in an unfamiliar village, but with very pleasing results.

The downside of this, was of course, double garlic overload..... We ate a little TOO late, and both had a restless, acid indigestion plagued night's sleep, and heaven forbid.... The sheer stench emanating from where monkeys shove bad nuts is unbearable!!

I've never been very good with garlic. I love it, but it's not a mutual relationship.

Coupled with the fact that I have a really sore neck, for which I am taking anti-inflammatory painkillers that equally disagree with my digestive system, I now feel like I have been staked out in the sunshine and force fed a barrage of flaming rats.

Big Brother has now entered its final week. A double eviction tonight has dispatched of two of my least favourite characters, and this time next week we will know who has won (or indeed who has not lost by default). I am secretly looking forward to being given back some element of control over my life once the sun goes down. I've been a TV slave the same this year as every other year!!

The mousetraps remain empty - I am unsure whether this is a good sign or a bad one. Good if there are no more mice to catch..... Bad if they have become impervious to the delicious scent of peanut butter, and are secretly having a mouse sized Oktoberfest under my kitchen units, where they all play the alpenhorn and wear lederhosen and eat pickled onion monster munch, that come in a packet that has on it a competition to win a split level bungalow in the exact colour of orange of your dreams, and a shoe that's far too big to put your foot in.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that cheese!!

See Connor's very own mini photo album here.

Mousetrap.

I am turning into a hunter gatherer.... my inner animal is being released.

Maybe I should have fought for custody of the cats after all!!

Ok, I am going to avoid all the problems associated with adding a mouse tally to each day and create a dedicated mouse post.

Mouse number 1: He likes drinking Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. (21 Aug 2007)


Mouse number 2: Once played bridge with Omar Sharif. (22 Aug 2007)


Shrew number 3: Had a number one single in 1984 called "Bing Bamma Boom Boom" (31 Aug 2007)


Mouse number 4: A late night chocolate fetish that we all knew would end in tears, actually gave this mouse a fatal nosebleed. It's been a while since my last confirmed kill, so when this bugger ran across the kitchen floor in front of me, I declared chocolate spread war.(3rd Oct 2007)


Mouse number 5: He dreams of sipping Cuba Libres on a far flung desert island shore, and once played in goals for Scunthorpe United. (11th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 6: His cousin, a badger, once pissed on an electric fence to see if it would give his balls an electric shock. The badger is dead now. (16th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 7: Despite what looks like blood all over the mousetrap, we can confirm on closer inspection, it is merely the remnants of several portions of chocolate spread. Just ask this mouse if you don't believe me. (17th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 8: OMG - I was getting quite comfortable with the constant battering of mice. Until now, each and every kill had been quick and clean, with a snap across the back of the neck. This one looked a bit more painful. It made me feel sick thinking about it. Hope it was quick!! The biggest mouse I caught so far. (28th Oct 2007)


Mouse number 9: He gave himself away by virtue of the fact that I am hardly ever at home. I had trodden on the mousetrap and set it off, but the bait still went missing!! Silly mouse!! He's dead now though and I'm not... who's laughing now?? Muhahahahah!! (20th November 2007)


Mouse number 10: What better way to enter double figures than with a bleeder?? Poor beggar, although it looked like instant death from above, I had to move the trap to take this picture. The floor was a pool of blood where his front legs were smashed to pieces!! Ouch!! (21st November 2007)


Mouse number 11: Once went on a "round the world" cruise holiday, where he dined with the stars of the Carry-On movies (24th Nov 2007).


Mouse number 12: He's a fat one, but fast. He tried to eat and run, but Lucifer denied him the opportunity. Eats, shoots and splats!! (26th Nov 2007)


Mouse number 13: Too messy to photograph. A very untidy kill, and one that had to be finished manually!! Unlucky for some!! (3rd Dec 2007)

Mouse number 14: Quick and clean. I'm back on track. Bloodless, straight, old fashioned kill. pleasant return to Luciferian form. (9th Dec 2007)


Mouse number 15: Once had a French pen pal, called Jean Francoise, but they fell out when Jean Francoise insisted on sending numerous pictures of Charles De Gaulle with the legs of a ram grafted on, from his mobile phone. (14th Jan 2008)


Mouse number 16: Following a game of Perudo, this little chap was on his way home when.... well, that'll teach him to drink so much!! (29th Jan 2008)


Mouse number 17: Once this fella was the booking agent for Ken Dodd and the Diddy Men of Knotty Ash. Following Ken's tax evasion exploits, the two friends split, and the mouse was last seen trying to press gang Timeteam's Tony Robinson into making another series of Fat Tulip's Garden. (2nd Feb 2008)


Mouse number 18: One minute we were eating tapas, and having a good laugh at the plight of teenage binge drinkers, when he suddenly and unexpectedly had one sip of wine too many and went straight for the chocolate spread!! "Oh, Monty!!" I cried as his ears felt Lucifer's full force!! alas I fear he did not hear me. (16th Feb 2008)


Mouse number 19: Mustapha Mouse, once sailed single handedly around Black Moss Reservoir in search of hedgehog that could recite the complete works of Edward Lear whilst riding a unicycle. Suffice to say, his search was, like a sponge cake, rather fruitless!! (31st Mar 2008)


Mouse number 20: After taking part in the BBC sitcom "Oops where's my trousers?" alongside June Whitfield, this mouse's ambitions were fulfilled, and there was little left but to throw himself to the mercy of Lucifer the French mousetrap! (10th Apr 2008)

Mixed emotions.

Following on from yesterday's pro-animal campaign.... It is with sad news that I bring you this report.

A few days ago, I noticed that something had been nibbling away at the corner of the bags of birdfood that I keep in the cupboard underneath the kitchen sink. Vermin!!

I decided to try out the "humane" rat trap that I bought some time ago, which has since been renamed humane-animal-feeding-station - since it has fed every living animal this side of the Watford Gap, and caught approximately none of them. They've been queueing up around the block, and you may have noticed some of them on the "bowling cam".

Suffice to say, one pack of Emmental later, no animals caught. Birdfood all packed into tins and containers, safe from attack. Something is definitely eating the cheese though.

Commence operation "Shock and Awe". Two conventional mouse traps, baited with Wensleydale are laid out. Commence operation "Shock Horror" when I discover the crafty critters love the Wensleydale and manage to eat it without springing the traps.

Cue the cunning fox.

At approximately five o' clock this evening, I smeared peanut butter across one of the traps.

Fox 1 - 0 Mouse



In fairness to myself -

a) Peanut butter is the king of mousetraps.

b) It doesn't look at all like this fella suffered. No blood, no struggle, clean, quick, instant death!!

c) I am a hypocrite, but who wants these in their house?