Arse!

Happy Full Moon to everyone!

It's a great time when the full moon's out.... I urge you all to take note.

I find the strangest things seem to happen, and although I recently watched a programme which dismissed the concept that alcohol related/fuelled crime increases at the full moon, I still firmly believe that people do act slightly oddly at this special time.

Recently watching a programme about alcohol related/fuelled behaviour does not constitute part of this mad cycle!

I can only begin to imagine the medium jinx that might appear on the "bowling cam" during the course of today!

I'd certainly be interested to hear from anyone who has an unexpected or genuinely uncharacteristic experience today.  I will have my eyes peeled for any such event..... and of course, in looking out for it, invariably this will be the reason I notice it, and probably nothing at all to do with the full moon, but it won't make it any less poignant.

Ok, full moon rant ..... done!

It's my mum's birthday, and of course, I'm totally unprepared for such an event.... i.e. I haven't bought a gift yet and I don't even have a decent card to present.  I am probably going to give her a call shortly and offer her a shopping trip to our local "cheap shop" Mecca, known as Pellon Lane.......

My mum has always been a "jumbler" - she can walk into the most innocuous looking shop and find hours of entertainment in the most unentertaining shelves.  As a child, and of the male persuasion, this is usually to be reciprocated with much showing of the bottom lip and standing around with a decidedly bored or grumpy expression.  Men are, after all, famed for being able to walk into a shop, pick up the first item inside the shop doorway, purchase it, and be back outside wearing said flip-flops, and be drinking a pint of lager, before the girls have put the car keys in their handbags. (Perhaps that's a trifle sexist?)

Dawn's love of them, and my self inflicted absence of money work, have forced me to become a connoisseur of the "bargain" shops - When I had a decent job, I can honestly say, I never had to shop around for anything.... but now I like a bargain as much as anyone.

So, mother's schedule permitting,  Pellon Lane it shall be..... Poundstretcher (which I very rarely visit - on account of it being quite expensive!); Pets at Home (which I sometimes visit for pink cat litter and any offers on fishy cat food); Halfords (What would I want to go there for?); Home Bargains (On a par with B&M - great bargain shopping); Aldi (the home of cheap).

I know mum appreciates a "run out" as the oldies like to call it!!

And if she's too busy, then at least it gives me chance to go and get a card and some bits and pieces.  The advantage of Dawn being at work today is that I wouldn't go with gifts until Dawn can come with me!!

(note: not sure that was very interesting reading for anyone at all..... it DOES however give you a small idea of how my mind thinks, or not as the case may be)

Oh yes, happy birthday mum!

A little knowledge

A little knowledge is not only a dangerous thing.... it's downright annoying!

Me and my mum rub the wrong way at times.  She doesn't see why and I have a short fuse as far as it goes.

Take for example our conversation earlier today about some flag stones in the garden..... she wants the flag stones lifting up and putting back down again so that all the edges join up and there are no toe-stubbable steps between them.  The area where the flags are is on a slope and the flags at the bottom of the slope are to stay where they are.

She INSISTS.... positively INSISTS that she wants the flags levelling off.... which to me suggests making the flags level.... i.e. lift them all up and put a spirit level across them... i.e. make them level, hence the process of levelling.... she INSISTS she is still correct in that simply making them join up irrispective of their pitch... i.e. so the edges are level with the next flag and so on is actually "levelling" them....

Further to this she suggests that the flags can be lifted and then bedded on some sand (which of course is also a half arsed measure and the sand will wash away in the first rain and leave wobbly unLEVEL flags).

It's not.... it never will be.... and you'll never convince me otherwise..... unlevelled paving stones whether their edges meet up or not are not level!

It goes on for some time and my voice becomes raised.... I firmly believe that if somebody is stupid enough, that all you have to do is shout the correct information into their mind to make them smarter.

Rant over......

I leave you with this little conversation that ended without me responding.....

Mum had some mail for me... It's an old legacy mail shot from a bank that I used to deal with when I lived at home with my folks.... some twenty plus years ago..... junk mail.

I give the items for mum to recycle.....  I tear off my name and address and any information that is personal and say "I'd normally shred that bit", to which mum replies "well I'll just burn it." - I miss having an open fire.

Mum then goes on to point out that rather than recycle half of the letter and burn the bit with details on......

"well it all gets recycled into ash even if it burns doesn't it".

I roll my eyes, bite my tongue and refuse to rise to the bait!

I'm not sure she grasps the concept of recycling!!

Imagine....

Imagine a world where I've been in limbo. A world where there are no comfortable chairs. Where cats are revered as gods. Where the longest bit of making a meal is waiting for the oven to warm up. A world so devoid of home comforts that I spend more time with a vacuum cleaner in my hand than I do watching films or playing on Pogo.

Limbo... how low can you go.... how low can you go....

Well, I am pleased to announce the return of my folks from their trip to Australia. They arrived back this morning (at about eight thirty AM) in the middle of my hangover. Pints, last evening, at the newly "Atlas Mill Brewery" acquired "Dog and Bull", and the "Rat and Ratchet" (merely as an excuse to purloin some of Lahori Taste's excellent fish pakoras) saw me a bit pissed. Subsequently, I always manage to tip out far too much of their chilli sauce onto my food!! I definitely suffer from chilli coloured beer goggles.

So, my tenure of dual citizenship is relinquished. Finally, and not a week too soon!! I don't think I'd have lasted another week. Thirty nine days done and dusted, and vacced and mopped, and fed and watered, filled and emptied, washed and polished, and laid to rest.

Imagine my horror at finally getting back to "google reader" to find a deficit of six hundred and thirty eight unread items. this bitter pill is only marginally sweetened by the fact that one blog alone accounts for one hundred and eighty five of those articles alone!!!

So, you can imagine, finally liberated, able to come and go as I please, I am glued to my laptop trying to play catch up. No doubt I will be catching up with you all very soon.

Fury.

I've been asked to look after my mum's house for a couple of days.

For those that remember my last attempt at this task, you will remember my abject frustration at the broken internet connection there. This problem, I was assured, had been fixed in the interim period.

I am sure you can all imagine, without too much effort, what the real state of the internet connection is!!

Suffice to say, I have abandoned my post, and retreated to my house in order that I can check my email at least!!

I am going to spend some time drinking coffee and sorting out my "Yorkshire Sculpture Park" photo album on Flickr.

Happy....

Happy birthday Ma! (Said in a Nick Cottonesque cockney sparrow accent).

Happy Birthday Ameri-ca!! (See it rhymes).

I am not so sure that us Brits should really wish the Americans a happy independence day, so let's just say, it was a pretty rubbish film, and leave it at that, ok?

I have been a neglectful blogger again.

I have no excuses. I can get pretty busy doing not very much. In fact, it's an action packed week with one thing and another.

I wish the rain would stop, and the wind. I want to be able to get on my bike with some conviction instead of gingerly riding ten minutes up the road and back inbetween deluges. It's quite frustrating, and hardly worth filling a water bottle or breaking open a "Cyclone Bar" for.

Today I am taking the folks across to Holmfirth (That's "Last of the Summer Wine" land to you outsiders!!) to a local art exhibition thing, where my mum's got a couple of pictures up for display/sale. I think she's hoping for some birthday luck to rub off on them and for there to be a "red sticker" on them both.

Spent last evening gift wrapping a veritable cornucopia of small gifts. I often prefer to buy lots of smaller gifts than to present somebody with a disappointing ornament. Ornaments are just shit!! Sorry, got carried away, but they are.... come on..... you should never give someone an ornament as a gift.

Admittedly, I have a few inanimate objects in my house, some of which might even be considered ornaments. I do honestly believe that nobody knows me well enough to presume that they know my taste in ornaments though.

I have inadvertently rubbed tin foil across the filling that relates to ornaments now.......

Can't........ stop............. denouncing................ ornaments.