Gibb-on!!

I've got a right old gibb-on.

For those that don't know the Doncaster dialect, that means I am sweating a bit.

Actually I don't think it has anything to do with Doncaster, or indeed anywhere else for that matter. It was a term used by an old friend of mine, and one which stuck with those of us that retained the work ethic of our simian cousins.

Pay 'em peanuts, and you'll get monkeys.

Pay 'em lots, and you'll get expensive monkeys.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a unnaturally sweaty person, nor have I been working too hard. I have just returned from a few miles on the old bike. Feeling great.... my quads are starting to firm up again, and that's fantastic.

My breathing's actually pretty good. I was puffing and blowing for a while today, but it's been quite warm and I did a couple of hill climbs, so it's only to be expected I guess. It feels great to open my lungs up again.

That's what you get when you are a non-smoker I guess!!

I didn't really want to mention yesterday, it somehow seemed too poignant..... I think I dare mention today, that yesterday would have been my cousin Dan's birthday. God bless him. I was thinking about my cousins and my aunty and uncle, but somehow I didn't want to jangle anyone's emotions by letting them know how I felt. I love them all very much!!

Anyhoo.....

Got to go get myself something to eat, and get my act together.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

Tribute.

Ok, so I haven't had time to make a post for a while.

My cousin Sophia has been over for a few days now, and I am trying my best to keep her amused - I can only imagine, this is with mixed results!!

We've had my cousin Dan's funeral now, and without trying to explain the pain and tears, and stranger noises that welled up and poured out of me, I thought it more appropriate to just pay this small tribute to a big man!

SoHo and Fox's tribute!

Dark days.

I've had a few VERY dark days lately. Even the weather is running parallel to my somberness. Waves of rain, of wind, of greyness, broken only by happier moments of sunshine. Tears and laughter, seemingly unprovoked to the casual observer.

Focus.

Nothing on earth can focus your mind like the events of this week. Finally, I am starting to find my silver lining.

I am most thankful to have shared times with Dan. Some most excellent formative years. I have even remembered our strongest bond, the possible topic of conversation on the beach at St. Cyrus.

Black sheep.

Both myself and Dan were undoubtedly our family's black sheep. If anyone could drag the family name through any mud at a given moment's notice, then it was the pair of us. We both took great joy in connecting over this. Two's company!! Forged in fire!!

I always admired the sense of family that Dan possessed. In fact, all three of my northern cousins have something that I have never innately possessed in that respect. It's something I am trying to work on, and have been trying for some time.

This week has been surreal in that I have had conversations and almost daily contact with family. The events that have drawn us together are neither desirable nor pleasant, but this for me is absolutely a good thing. I am sure Dan would approve of bringing the family together.

Last night I went to the pub. I raised my glass to my cousin, and drank some foaming Guinness. The next one was for the rest of my family. It helped in a small way, and finally, in bed, my mind was silent.

I'm not sure who I am writing my blog for anymore. Two cousins, yesterday, stopped by and commented. I hope they approve of the words that I write. Most importantly it's an important process for me.

Dan.

On Monday morning, I was shocked into the day with news that my cousin couldn't be woken.

Dan's been suffering with MS for a couple of years, and there is not a soul on earth who hasn't been shocked by the aggressive nature of it.

By the end of the day, Dan was gone.

It's only right that I recall great times with the little pothead, that I have been proud to call my cousin for thirty three years.

I see Dan grinning his toothy smile as a young teenager, with a white Dunlop t-shirt, smeared in strawberry juice from the farm where we had been picking.

I hear Dan's fantastically loud infectious laugh.

Hours of inane MSN messenger chatter.

I see him grinning, with a joystick in his hand, playing SSX on the playstation. Concentrating on busting moves. I'd driven down to Leicester to drop off some dope.

I remember the family shock when Dan burned a huge pile of hay in a farmer's field in Johnshaven, Scotland.

When I learned to ride a bike - it was Dan's bike. A purple Raleigh Budgie, with fat tyres, and easy rider handlebars.

On the subject of bikes - Dan rode his into the corner of a house!!

Arbroath in Scotland, the amusements (the "switchies" as they were known). We all loved to go there. The "king kong" machine in Montrose. The sand dunes.

I walked the sandy beach at low tide with Dan at St. Cyrus in Scotland. We smoked a spliff, and walked and talked. I can still see the ripples on the sand, and the wooden boards that led there. I don't remember what we talked about, but I know it rained.

The memories are choking in my throat and in my eyes.

I had a great affinity with Dan, we had many things in common. He was the most mild mannered, placid chap you would ever meet, and in a lot of ways I find that inspirational. I always had time for him, and don't ever recall us having a bad word.

I know we have some old Super 8 films, from those heady childhood days where we played in the sun. When the time is right, I promise myself to dig them out.

For now, my cousin, my friend..... simply....

GRATITUDE!