Wednesday, June 27, 2012

A man....

A man walks into a bar....

And says "Hello, do you need help getting this thing going?"

"Have you any bar experience?" ask the licencees.

"Of course!" replies the man, "I drink in bars all the time!"

Several hours, and several badly poured drinks later, the licensees look at each other and begin to wonder what they've done!

Well, that's a brief summary of my new career as a bar-person!  A complete and utter U-turn in career terms from the world of compu-ting! that I have left...... and a return to work that I did some twenty years ago in order to prop up my meagre YTS (Anyone remember THAT ripoff scheme? - which was the second worst paid work I've ever done - the worst being the canal restoration scheme I did, paying a paltry ten quid a week on top of my dole money!).

So, nothing to get too excited about.....  I'm doing a few hours work.  I actually believe I can make a difference to the pub that have offered me the work, and I am hoping I pick it up as quickly as I know I am capable of doing.

So far the only drawback has been that pulling real ale on a hand-pump that DOESN'T have autovac system attached (meaning you have no margin for error) is "testing" to say the least, and I lie awake at night worrying about wasting beer, serving flat pints or people asking if I can "stick a flake in the top of it".

All I need to do now is to make sure I keep my hours secret from my mum so she doesn't decide to pay a visit!

Perhaps at some point I'll tell a few "character" based tales that this endeavour is easily capable of producing.

Right now, following a day of fishing at Tony Riley's Pond in Brighouse..... I'm suffering......

Picture this.....

I arrived at the pond yesterday morning at about half past seven in the morning..... as soon as I opened the car door, the mosquitoes were everywhere.....  I got all my tackle out of the car, loaded up my trolley and made my way down to where I was going to fish.

By the time I reached John, who was already fishing, he'd already been bitten, and I was going to take no chances.....  I got out my bottle of Autan and liberally applied it..... head, ears, neck, chin, hands, wrists..... everything uncovered, now covered in insect repellant.

So, I start to get my fishing gear set up..... seat, baits, rod rests......  As I put my rod together and start to thread the line through it, I'm crouching down behind my chair resting the rod on the chair back......  another rather sensitive part of my anatomy , where tshirt and jeans no longer meet, becomes dangerously exposed and of course......  

The mosquito bite on my arse is now so large and sore.....  it's actually making me sweat!!

Not a great start...... and over the course of the rest of the day I got a bite on my wrist and now I've had time to assess the damage, I've got nine more bites on my ankles..... I took the precaution of tucking my jeans into my socks, but they've actually bitten THROUGH the socks!!

OUCH!

I have to consider the possibility of finding somewhere easier to fish.

 

18 comments:

  1. If you look at a mosquito under a microscope they look like tiny rats with wings. Also, don't forget to mind your head as you get back out from under the microscope.

    Good luck with the barkeepering - last time (many moons ago) when I looked after a mate's bar I almost started a punch-up with a drag act, all over the levying of VAT on fishnet tights. It's a dangerous business.

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    1. It's over twenty years since I worked a bar - times and tills have changed a lot!! I now need reading glasses just to see what's written on the buttons of the till.... that would never have happened when I was twenty!

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  2. Ah, so that's what you're up to. I expect you'll get good at it. Is it a new pub?

    As time goes on I have (increasingly) poorer hearing in the higher decibels. The only good bit is that I no longer hear mosquitos at night.
    Your Huddersfield variety must be monsters indeed to reduce a strong man like you to a whimper.

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    1. No it's not a new pub..... it's a very old pub but the couple who have the pub have only had it for a few weeks.
      I don't hear the mosquitoes.... just feel their bites, and yes the ones down at Brighouse where I fish are extra deadly..... I think it's on account of having the ponds, the canal and the river all together in a wooded area...... recipe for disaster.... it's not uncommon for a bite to swell to about egg sized and a single bite on the wrist can swell right up to the elbow..... it's bad because the best thing you can do is to NOT scratch..... but it's a bit easier said than done.

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  3. ...Of course that should have been higher FREQUENCIES...

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  4. a bite on the arse eh?
    I have sympathy for you... 2 years ago I got a wasp stuck under my shorts during a strimming episode....
    not nice!
    ( you cant see where to place the vinegar!!!"

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    1. I don't need to be able to see it..... can feel the enormous lump with my hand - I know where to apply the Benadryl cream!! ouch ouch ouch...... Wasps.... what's the point of them?

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    2. What is strimming John? Is it naughty?

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  5. Wouldn't it be easier and more successful to catch mosquitoes instead of fish?

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    1. I actually did catch more mosquitoes than I caught fish..... but still not enough to tip the scales!!

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  6. You are one of those who are tasty meat to the mosquito Arctic Fox. I know all about it as I fall into the same category. Good luck with the pulling of pints.

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    1. There are only two insects that bite me that give me any grief and they are both specific to fishing ponds - one is a type of ant at Meltham pond and its bite is like a hot needle for about a week and the other is the Brighouse mosquitoes..... they swell up something fearsome and last a long long time..... I guess like a good wine my flesh is improving with age..... never used to get bothered!

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  7. "I have to consider the possibility of finding somewhere easier to fish." Why fish at all? Get yourself down to Lidl where they have some excellent frozen fish deals - no gutting to do or mosquito attacks to endure - just pick up your packets of fish and walk out - remembering to pay for them of course.

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    1. I don't want to eat the fish..... just catch them, kiss them and throw them back. Fishing for fun not for food.

      As for Lidl and paying before walking out..... remember that spell at her Majesty's displeasure?

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  8. Have you heard the one about the gorilla who walks into a pub ?

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    1. no, but I did hear one about a big brown bear from Boston that walks into a bar!

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    2. Concise version: Gorilla walks into a bar and orders a pint. Barman thinks "Bloody hell, a talking gorilla!! Bet he's not so bright, though, I'll overcharge him".
      "That'll be a fiver".
      Gorilla pays, and as there are few people in the bar he gets chatting with the barman. After a while the barman says,
      "You know, we don't get many gorillas in this pub"
      Gorilla answers, "Not surprised, with these bloody prices"!
      Boom boom :)

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