Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Naff off....

To quote the late, great Ronnie Barker as the ever present Norman Stanley Fletcher in Porridge.....  Naff off!

That's what I find myself saying quite a lot during these hot, sunny, summer days.  Or words to that effect at least, that possibly are too crude to be published herein.

Naff off temporary traffic lights.  There's a set just up the road from me that have been inching closer and closer to my domain over the last month or so.... at one point they were "three way" and then back to standard "straight line" or "two way" and now they've reached the end of Gosport Lane.... one of my regular short cuts, they're back to three way and the traffic backs up along Gosport.... and the traffic backs up through Outlane past my house....

Because it's sunny, when cars are stuck at traffic lights, they tend to have their windows down and their shitty stereos spewing crappy music out all over my garden, where I am inclined to be on and incline with a book clutched in one hand... pretending to read, while I am really trying to snooze!  Alternatively, I'm stuck in one of the three directions of traffic signals with the t-shirt sticking to my back.... just hundreds of metres from my home but unable to get there.

NAFF OFF!

Naff off to people who don't thank me for letting them out of a junction or to come through a narrow piece of road, flanked by the myriad of parked vehicles.

Naff off to people who, travelling downhill, with parked cars on their side, advance against me as I am travelling uphill with the technical right of way, and then fail to acknowledge that this is unreasonable and/or deserves at least some sort of recognition.

NAFF OFF

Whether it's the weather, or whether it's just technology that's railing against me but every piece of vaguely pseudo intelligent equipment I touch seems to malfunction.....  I sat waiting for my laptop to reboot tonight..... lights flashing, but undoubtedly there was nobody home.....  I waited.... Thorin sat down and started singing about gold......  Eventually, by some strange quirk of chance and or sense of frustration, I unplugged the USB hub and the laptop sprang to life.

NAFF OFF

Road tax..... car insurance.... MOT..... petrol prices......

NAFF OFF

Nosey neighbours.... bored out of their minds in their retirement.... pretending to be doing things so they can find out what's going on.... leaning over the wall....  eyeing up the missus while pretending to be planting their "summer bedding" in regimented rows around their hard-standings.......  "What's that".... "What are you doing?"...... "How does that work?"......  I don't expect to spend my day in the garden with neighbours, and their neighbours, and their neighbours and so ad infinitum.

Rant, rage, rail......  eyes bulging..... temperature rising......


15 comments:

  1. Princess Anne's favourite insult as I recall!

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    1. and one of the only "printable" ones I have to offer..... even Dawn noticed I am getting more and more ragier (is that even a word?)!!

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  2. You seemed well Naff'd off

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    1. it's the heat mate..... have you ever seen the film "Do the Right Thing"? I am getting to be somewhere along those lines!! Watch this space!

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  3. Or the other film, with Michael Douglas who loses his rag .... hey, chill out :)
    PS; thanks for the links to wacky videos you keep handing out. Some funny stuff there! Watching the Catchphrase one, and surfing around I ended up here ....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM

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    1. super.... "THAT'S a country?? I've heard of Turkey!!" - Priceless - the other film you mentioned was "Falling Down" - Classic!

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  4. You need to take a leaf out of out not-so-revered leader and chillax, even if that does sound like chilblain ointment. Maybe get yourself Fruit Ninja.

    (Love the Thorin quote by the way. I vaguely remember playing that game.)

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    1. The game was, as you have probably figured out, "The Hobbit" and it was a largely text based adventure on the sinclair spectrum - I held a world record high score (according to sinclair user magazine) at one point of 82.5% - The alternative (that still makes me smile) was after you issued the command "drink wine" - Thorin shitsh down and shtartsh shinging about gold!

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    2. Ah, those evenings spent on the Spectrum. Four of us would sit down together to solve those 'adventure' games and eventually conclude that computers were a complete waste of time. What was that one about trying to go on holiday in Spain?

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    3. doesn't happen often.... but you've got me there! Holidays to Spain you say..... scratches stubbly chin.... hmmm (secretly opening up google)..... ahhhh the Melbourne House (also Hobbit fame) classic Terrormolinos - nope never heard of it.... well, honestly I've heard of it but never played it - might download it and have a go (click here for the emulator stuff if you're that way inclined)

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    4. Terrormilinos! That was it. I think I'll pass on the download.

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    5. I am playing it as we speak.... so far I've found me passport and a shelf that looks unstable but there's a camera on one end!!

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    6. bugger it..... my taxi driver got tired of waiting and left.... a staggering 4% complete!

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  5. How did you get the photograph of the hekilopter while simultaneously shooting at it?

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    1. just use one of those green laser pens to blind the pilot first!!

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