Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Ring ring....

I'm out in the garden cleaning the bird feeders.... the phone rings.....  not unusual you might think, but I NEVER use the land line.... and it's ringing......

I jump down out of the tree where I hang my bird feeders (honestly you'd fall for anything.... of course I took the bird feeders down BEFORE cleaning them).... and go inside and answer the phone, fully expecting... "Congratulations, you've won"....click!

"Hello" I inquire, sounding remarkably like a person who has never seen a phone before and wonders why this white bone that hangs on cave wall should suddenly make loud noise......

A REAL PERSON on the other end of the phone.... the novelty throws me slightly.....

"Could I speak to Mr. Weaver" she asks, and switching immediately to business mode "Speaking!" comes my standard reply.....

"Hello Mr. Weaver, I'm just calling from your bank" - She does go on to verify that it is indeed my bank and I'm happy to spend a couple of minutes talking to her.... fully aware, even before she, that this is a fruitless conversation for both of us.

"i wonder whether I could book an appointment for you to come in and for us to review your bank accounts so we can make sure you have the best deal?" she offers optimistically.....  "I see you have a current account, a mortgage, and savings accounts with us....".

I interrupt her mid flow and state, quite clearly "No, that's ok thanks, I'm not interested."  Which to me would signal the end of the conversation, but I'm not "target driven" like this poor lady and I certainly don't have anything to sell......

She goes on to ask me a few questions about my mortgage like "Are you on a fixed term variable rate tracking deal?".... it might as well be in Chinese... for one, she's looking at my details on a computer screen so she knows EXACTLY what I have...... for another..... I don't have a clue what kind of mortgage they handed to me on a plate back when I had money and before the banks had none.

"I don't know" I claim.

"Well we could sort this out for you and get you on a better rate of interest" she begins......

"I don't have a job" I cheerily chime in....

She continues.......

"Look!" I start to become agitated, I don't suffer fools gladly.  "Look.... how can you offer me a new mortgage when I don't have a job?" I ask of her.

"We can't" she concedes, starting to realise she is not making a sale. "How about your household insurance?  We guarantee to beat any quote you might have for that,"  She is clutching at straws now, and the birds in my garden will not feed themselves.

"I tell you what" I counter-offer "How about when my household insurance is due for renewal, I'll let you know".... which I thought was a fair "out" for her, she could hang up without totally losing face at this point and make a note on my file that I'd let them know.... a dont-call-us if you like.....

"Well it does make sense to sort these things out BEFORE they are due" she begins and my left eye begins to twitch......

"That's ok.... thank you, I'm still not interested... thanks for the offer though" and I hang up the phone.

The punchline to this story.... and one which I would not dare to admit to my mortgage holder.... is that my house and contents are currently uninsured..... and if she could beat THAT quote, then I'd love to hear it!!


  1. A few months back, I popped into a branch of my bank on the way to college. A woman in the queue before me was pounced on by one of those overzealous sales idiots and forced to "review" her account. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking I'd had a lucky escape and went off to my lesson. I was sitting down at my desk, about to turn off my mobile... and it suddenly started ringing. It was the same sales idiot, disappointed to have missed me while I was in the bank earlier... could I pop back in if I was still in town for a quick chat? I also tried the "I've not got a job" excuse but these people are impervious.

    1. just sales people - not their fault, it's a job, someone has to do it.... unfortunately it takes a "certain type" of person to do it!!

  2. when I hear that second long click (you know the one that tells you , you just have been one of thousands recieving a "blanket call")

    the phone has been replaced and I am marching out of the room....
    all before the hapless telephonist has utter
    "can I speak to Mr Gray please?"

    1. I wouldn't have answered the phone if I hadn't been downstairs with my bird feeders!

  3. We've been getting the "If you have six thousand euros to invest, we have a new scheme bla bla bla....", to which I'd like to answer; "if I had 6000 € spare, I wouldn't be answering my phone. I'd have Jeeves to do it" - but usually I just hang up.

    And last week I got a "Can I speak to your husband please?" , which could have opened up a potentially interesting conversation, but I just hung up again.
    Maybe someone should blog on the rubbish they spew out in these calls ... or maybe not.

    1. I thought I just did!! hahahah best one I had recently was someone asking me to make a donation - they couldn't compute that I don't have any money!!

  4. I got a text last week saying I had won 2.5 million pounds. If I knew where I was, I would have used it to get some cheese air-dropped to my island.

    1. perhaps it was 2 and a half million pounds of cheese? If they dropped that on your island they'd sink it.... thank heavens for small mercies!

  5. Is that the younger Mr Weaver sitting on the big rabbit's scut?
    One thing I hate about these unsolicited phone calls is that they interrupt whatever you are doing - being it baking a cake, sorting out your bird feeders or brushing your rabbit's scut. Thank God you didn't fall off the ladder as you rushed inside to talk to the bank slave.
    By the way, you need buildings insurance you daft sod! I'll even send you a fiver.

    1. all fivers gratefully accepted.... I used to have a paypal donation button on my blog..... only one person EVER tried to send me money and I felt so bad that I had to refund it!!