Thursday, January 31, 2008

You wouldn't.....

... like me when I am angry.

Yesterday morning, I awoke to find that the rear window of my car was smashed. Vandalism? A freak accident as a result of a badly surfaced road spewing gravel everywhere and a boy racer speeding past? Who knows?

I search for my insurance details to find out whether I might have some sort of windscreen cover that might actually apply to the back window of the car as well as the front window... seems like a long shot, but it just might work.

Eventually I give up looking for my documents and phone the insurance company and play the "dumb" card, which isn't hard to do!! It transpires that I DO indeed have cover for the window, but I have to pay seventy pounds (140USD) excess, and the lovely tinting will have to be paid for out of my own pocket.... not cheap.

The insurance company give me another number to ring at the RAC. I phone them and a VERY helpful chap talks me through the process with the consummate skill of a genuine teleprompted sales operative. Someone will ring me to book it in to RAC Windscreens.

The call comes.... they don't have the glass in stock, despite their claim (We stock glass for more than 10,000 vehicles)....... it will be there tomorrow morning, but I can take my car down there and it will be locked up overnight and secure. I agree and take the car down there. I leave it with them.

This morning they call me to tell me that they have ordered the wrong glass because my car is non-standard and has a spoiler across the top of the window, which was added after it was made, which is absolute bullshit, but I am in no mood to argue..... In a deja vue-esque twist of fate, the correct glass will be there tomorrow morning, despite their claim that (We stock glass for more than 10,000 vehicles) or indeed their claim that (Our staff are highly trained and their work is guaranteed)....

What I can't understand is:

a) If they had the car all day yesterday, and coupled with the fact that I pointed out that this model of Honda is ALWAYS a problem, they didn't bother to check what they were ordering against the car they had in their possession.

b) How can a piece of glass which apparently isn't made, because the car has been modified after sale, be made available by tomorrow morning? It can't can it? They've just simply ordered the wrong one haven't they?

c) Would I go there out of choice or recommend their services to anyone other than my worst enemy...... not on your Nelly!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The point where I make breakfast.

A bowl of raisin wheats and a cup of black coffee.

I've just sat down to my breakfast, an hour after getting up.... I've been sadly distracted.

I got up, and waded through about a thousand spam emails about increasing my girth, or my breasts, or buying a fake rolex watch or a piece of pirated software. I wonder how many people respond to these emails and ever buy any of the fake, fraudulent and downright useless merchandise on offer... how can the business of spam email be so productive... does anyone make money out of it?

I spend a while using a piece of peer-to-peer software for downloading some music, searching for a tune about a dead horse. I come across a few, but none of which have the right to supersede the "cliffs of dover" song, which you may already be listening to.... one of the songs was by Guns N Roses (note the "N" - it still makes me laugh and I wonder whether it should be capitalised or not?), and when I started downloading it, the user from whom it was arriving promptly decided to ban me.... which set me to wondering why someone would object to having someone else download music from them when they are using a peer-to-peer music sharing software... perhaps they were a horse lover and this leads me to wondering why a horse lover would have a song about a dead horse.... mebbe they were just a MASSIVE Guns N Roses fan??

Ho hum.... so no dead horse track.....

Breakfast beckons......

I switched the television on some time ago and still haven't got around to bringing my Sky box out of standby mode. The DVD player logo is still whizzing round the screen..... I wrestle the remotes and get a picture going..... it's Ray Mears going on about yoinking!! I watch a bit until I realise I have already seen it!!

Breakfast.....

I go down to the kitchen.... and notice out of the window, that the daffodil I have been watching over the last few days is finally open. The first flower of spring (in my garden at least) in all its glowing spring-like glory. I have been meaning to take a photograph of it, so I run upstairs, grab my camera, put on a pair of flip-flops (a fetching look with pyjama bottoms and a "Spider Pig" sweatshirt) and crouching in the garden, manage to get a couple of snaps. I stand up and notice a bewildered looking see-it-all nosey local resident standing at the end of the garden wondering what the hell I was doing...... I wave good morning and head back to the safety of the kitchen.

Breakfast......

I put down the camera, and turn to make my breakfast.....

I notice that my mousetrap has scored another hit!! Mouse number 16, clean and efficiently dispatched. I run back upstairs to get my mobile phone to take the requisite pictures for the "Man VS Mouse" section of my blog (I spend five minutes emptying the camera of all the previous pictures which confuse me each time I go through this exercise)and I empty the trap, reset it, discard the mouse and then clean myself and everything that came in contact with the operation.

Breakfast.....

I get a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee, and marvel at the amount of random thought that can go through one's mind in a short amount of time.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Groans.

Well it started like any other day....

My mum texted me to ask me to report a problem with her landline phone. I sarcastically reply to ask why, if her mobile phone is working, she doesn't report her own phone being out of order!! It takes a further ten minutes and a phone call to actually explain the error of her ways!!

I got out of bed, and assembled the last piece of the job application jigsaw puzzle and headed out to the post office. Job done, the application is now in the postal system, and I must keep my fingers crossed that:

a) It doesn't get lost in the post.
b) The effort I have put into it will at least reap an interview.

I choked at the fact that I forgot to scan the documents in before I posted them all off.... A silly mistake, but one I will hopefully not come to regret!!

I came home, had beans on toast and a lovely baked apple for my lunch.

Went out for a pleasant post-luncheon stroll.... noticing how out of shape I have managed to become since the hardcore hiking of last summer..... Winter and plantar fasciitis have a lot to answer for. My heel is still very painful and gets tired very easily, but it's not so bad over the shorter walks that I manage these days.

Played some Nintendo, nodded in and out of sleep, watched a little TV.

Assembled a rustic tea-time snack of crusty bread, pasta salad and houmous. Delicious..... until.... I actually heard the gristly crunch as I bit down on the side of my tongue.

Gaaaaak!!

Spitting blood and garlic infused chickpeas, and stuffing my mouth with cotton wool.....

Ten minutes later, it's stopped bleeding, but the lump that's emerged, just underneath and directly at the side of my tongue is making life very uncomfortable. Bonjela, Anbesol and clove oil have all been applied, but I am still like a lolling, drooling, dribbling, panting dog.

Dammmit.l

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sup it up.

Well, I obviously haven't been back to my blog this weekend....

I've sunk a few beers and the lovely Dawn has sunk a few ciders. We've eaten more than we should have, and the weekend has evaporated like the alcohol that's been coursing through my veins.

To "Sunday Search" or not....? that is the question.....

I really oughtn't... I've procrastinated too much and the deadline for my job application is looming large on the horizon. For this reason, I will spare you the usual search nonsense, and let you go and do something more productive with your own time.... and we'll agree to agree, that I should also do something more important with my time too......

I promise that I will not pick up my Nintendo DS.... again!!

Right..... onward and upward!!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Piss.

I am still bloody suffering from the effects of a cold..... wheezy lungs and a sore throat and blocked sinuses!! Is there any respite?

Managed to get out for a short walk today around the Rocking Stones Quarry, near where I used to live, and on to the, now abandoned and decimated, highest football pitch in England at 364m above sea level, at Scapegoat Hill. The wind was bloody strong, and it was very wet underfoot, but getting wrapped up and having fresh air gale-force fed into your lungs is exhilarating.

Despite playing far too much Nintendo DS for my health and or sanity, I seem to have almost finished my curriculum vitae.... the deadline for applications for this job is next week, and I really don't want to miss it. The more I've thought about the job, the more I think it would be a good career change for me. No, I haven't mentioned what the job is yet, and no, I'm not about to until I know that I either have or haven't got it....... I can't believe for one minute that, having not even looked for a job, the first one I see will be offered to me though!!

Let's just hope that if I get considered for an interview (and there's no reason why I shouldn't) that they hold them in the afternoon, otherwise I am cream, crackered!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Rattle and hum.

Rolling along on the crest of a wave......

I'm ticking over, treading water, rattling round the house spending portions of time doing a myriad of smaller tasks, and of course, never completing any of them.

I think the fact that I got my Nintendo DS playing copied games in the same week that I am trying to type up my curriculum vitae equate to one procrastination too far.

Between Zelda's Phantom Hourglass, Scrabble 2007, and Cooking Mama 2, there isn't enough time to formulate a few simple sentences in a Word document, let alone write a blog entry. This is before I even dare to put Lego Star Wars The Complete Saga anywhere near my micro SD card!!

I pray to Shigeru Miyamoto that I can finish Zelda in the next couple of days, or find the will power to put it down and finish whatever I am supposed to be doing.

I also seem to be trapped in the habit of watching the last hour of lots of films. I seem to catch only this last slice of lots of great films. I really ought to get myself a televisual magazine, but then I never get round to reading it. I used to use Digiguide on my computer, but it's not cheap and you need it running in the room where you watch TV for it to be worthwhile. Perhaps I'll look out for a good free television guide tomorrow.

And so to bed...... drifting off to BBC radio seven..... bliss!!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Felt better!

I'm a bit grim today.

A shaky, sickly feeling is descending upon me. I am praying that it is not the start of a bout of the puking and crapping virus that seems to have done the rounds along the peripheries of my social circle.

In other grim news, I have begun to put my curriculum vitae together. I find it very difficult to summarise the twenty one years of employment that I have encountered in my life. To precis each job into a few sentences whilst encapsulating the requirements of the job that I am applying for, is a stretch of anyone's imagination.... not just mine.

In good news......

I finally got my Nintendo working and have downloaded a few games..... I was, of course, playing Zelda's Phantom Hourglass well into the small hours of this morning before exhaustion overcame me. Having played a few Zelda games before, it would be nice to think that I might actually complete at least one of them in my lifetime!! Even more so now that it's a freebie!!

Well that's about it.... I'm feeling sorry for myself and I need a hug.... and someone who can write a good CV!! I'm gonna go get myself a cup of joe and curl up on the settee with my Nintendo DS.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

More o' the same.

Well it's Sunday, and I don't think I've done it for a while so let's just get straight to it.

custard accompaniment (Google)
It's as broad a topic as you are likely to come across. Personally I find that there is no better accompaniment to custard than a rhubarb crumble. I know Dawn prefers ice cream with the crumble as she's not over keen on custard. It's personal preference, and I don't think it's something you should be searching on the interweb for. There is no definitive answer.

two stupid dogs (Google)
I used to love the Two Stupid Dogs cartoons on the Cartoon Network. I always liked the little dog because it reminds me of the cyborg daschunds that have spinal problems and end up on wheels!!

golcar (Google)
I can't imagine why anyone would search for something as simple as "golcar". Try refining your search by adding words to it. If you want a chinese takeaway in Golcar, for example, try using the search term: Golcar chinese takeaway OR Golcar +chinese +takeaway = I think you will find that a more specific search will yield better results for you.

ugly pedigree cats (Google)
I always liked a hairless pussy, like a Sphinxter or a Devon or Cornish Rex. I know the hairless varieties are not everyone's favourites, and they are prone to skin infections, but each to their own.

fox arctic bugger (Google)
I beg your pardon?

badger compared to mouse (Google)
Badger= big, black and white, nocturnal, lives in a set, will not fit in my mousetrap.
Mouse= Small, grey, very dead!!

"fruit wine" pub huddersfield (Google)
Try a few of the fruit wines on offer at the Head of Steam (it's in the train station building). They have the Gales brand, and the "black beer and raisin" wine is delicious.

shave my chuff (Google)
Shave your own, and send me the pictures when you've done!!

how does an artic fox keep warm (Google)
Erm, it has fur..... I CAN tell you that an arctic fox's fur will keep it warm to the point where it will not actually start to shiver as long as the temperature remains above minus seventy degrees (so I heard on a Nigel Marven documentary..... but they didn't say fahrenheit or centigrade). Also it's arCtic not artic!!!

countdown carol voderman photos (AOL)
Thinking man's crumpet, the lovely Carol Vorderman. Also it's VoRderman, not Voderman!!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Saturday banana.

Two street urchins looking for somewhere to dance!!

I spent a good deal of last evening seeking dance music in the Huddersfield town centre. The promise of Wax:On at Tokyo had sounded like a good bet, but as we walked by, the club had a despondant air about it. It's quiet.... too damn quiet!!

The last few times I have had anything to do with drinking in towns, I've found them to be shadows of their former selves. Whether you put the drinking establishment downturn in the hands of the new no-smoking laws, or whether you believe that there is a CIA plot to flood the country with sub standard recreational drugs and euro-house music, then you still have to admit.... pubs and clubs are quieter than they ought to be.

That being said.... It was pissing down, and miserable in the middle of January.... the usual Huddersfield "hardmen" with their skin tight white t-shirts over their pumped up chests, with their hair all gelled up, are no match for these weather conditions!! Perhaps those girls often seen tottering around town on their high heels, with their gas-fire corned beef legs over exposed to the elements have REALLY decided they are far too cold in that outfit!!

Having sampled at least four nightclubs.... three ale pubs... and a couple of bars..... we ended up in a bar down the main street dancing till about 5am.

I wouldn't want to be in my head today.... oh, wait....

Thursday, January 17, 2008

That'll learn ya!!

Some time ago, I bought a thingummyjig that plugs into my Nintendummyjig, and when you get some memory and stick it in this oojamaflip and plug it all together, it should allow me to play *coughs* copied games.

Well these particular thingummies and oojamaflips have sat idly by for a year or so, and I finally decided it was time to bite the bullet, give it a go and get myself some lovely new *coughs* copied games.... there's only so many times you can bathe your dalmation without getting tired of the routine.....

I went out today and bought the requisite memory card. I came home all excited and started downloading some *coughs* copied games. I plugged this into that and that into the other, and then got a cable and shoved an adapter into this and it was like some kind of crazy technological Russian dolls.....

Well, it was going ok..... I was getting some warning about something not being authorised, which of course *cough* it isn't...... I'm just coughing for fun now!!

I don't know what happened next... I think I might have pulled out an adapter or switched something off at the wrong time.... and now nothing works..... it just sits there with a white screen..... no errors.... no messages..... no clues..... just a smirking white screen!!

Bugger.... I hate those effing unfriendly errors.

Well, I've ordered another oojamaflip in the hope that I managed to overload it's quarter wave phase adapter and it melted the flux capacitor!!

That'll learn me for messing about!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Waking up.

It's the new year for me.

I feel like I am waking up from a deep winter slumber. Like the spring bulbs that have already started to grow green and fresh, I feel a wave of productivity coming along.

Yesterday, I took my car in for its annual service and test certificate.... I will never know why I insist on taking it to the local Honda dealership, and the invoice at the end of this supposedly gentle workout, was more than I can really afford. Do they not realise I haven't earned a single penny in well over a year now??

Today I sorted out all the outstanding bills and paperwork, and only have my passport application left to work through. I also tackled a very troublesome, overfilled cupboard in my lounge, with utter ruthlessness. I even tackled one of those problematic corners of the room that has carrier bags and piles of paper and miscellany piled up in it.

Want to know something else?

I have found a job that I want!!

Yes, I have actually found a job that, not only would I be very good at, but it is a new direction and pays a reasonable starting salary, that would allow me to stay in the house where I live.

I have surprised myself. I have requested an application pack.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Question.

It's Saturday afternoon, and I'm up to my neck trying to learn the intricacies of "The Settlers of Catan", a board game which I have promised the Turtle that I will go around to his house and play with him and his little Terrapin!!

Knock knock......

A range of thoughts pass through my mind at the speed of light:

Nobody I know knocks so aggressively.
I bet it's Jehovah's witnesses.
I'm not expecting anyone.
Should I ignore it?
Maybe it's a parcel or a delivery?

I get up off my fat arse and look out of the window. I'm (thankfully) an inhabitant of the first floor of my house, so nobody gets to directly look into my living room. I'm looking down on the path to see if someone has given up the ghost, and is leaving. No such luck.

Knock knock.... a bit louder!!

Christ almighty.... I go downstairs and answer the door.

It's a bloody market researcher armed with a clipboard.... "Can you spare 15 minutes?"

I claim to be doing something important upstairs and that I'm not interested.

"Do you work?"

I figure at this point a negative answer would put him off, as anyone trying to sell anything knows automatically they're onto a loser.

"And how old are you?"

I have to think fast... how the hell do I know how old I am?? Just a minute ago I was preoccupied by a computer opponent building roads across the front of my village, and now you want to know how old I am? I blurt out a number that could be correct to within a couple of years either side.

"I don't have anyone in your bracket at the moment, so it'd be useful of you could answer the questions for me"

I tell him that if he tells me the nature of the questions, then perhaps I can decide whether these questions are going to be of any use to me or not. Foolishly of course, I miss the point that it's me that's of interest to him, and not the other way round.

"There are parts about your current gas supplier, about local leisure facilities and leisure breaks, and some about your views on cosmetic procedures.... it'll just take fifteen minutes"

I tell him to come back later, with the full intention of not answering the door. He winces as we finally agree on one o clock on Monday afternoon.

Come Monday afternoon, I'm of course out of the house.

Three o clock Monday afternoon, there's a familiar braying on my front door. I am definitely not answering it. I peer over the window into the garden below to see the questionnaire thwarted, fastening my gate.

It's over, I've won..... He goes next door and I feel somewhat relieved...... but then I see it.....

My heart sinks, as Dawn pulls up outside my house, and in full plain view of the man on the doorstep next door she comes down the garden path and walks straight into the house.

We are still by the front door when there comes the familiar ham-fisted barrage of knocking. I dive around the corner and hide under the kitchen units. Dawn is trapped by the door as the knocking continues. I can hear her giggling as I try to avoid wrapping my hand in the baited mousetrap.

Eventually the questionnaire, thwarted again, disappears, and we are at ease to indulge in making a cup of tea.

It's now half past five, and I am praying he has pissed off home and left me alone..... he has been back no fewer than five times, and I'm not sure the front door will withstand much more.

For all companies wishing to find out about me:

Cosmetic surgery is a load of bollocks.
I don't want to switch gas supplier.
Stick your leisure centre up your arse.
I would never go to Center Parcs - It's centre.... not center, and what the frik is a parc anyway?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Lying.

I told a lie.... I didn't actually (as previously promised) get "out and about" today at all.

I woke up at about seven AM with my newly acquired digital radio burbling away in the dulcet tones of radio seven in my lugholes.

I brushed my teeth in order to temporarily relieve the aching feeling from the abscess.

I went back to bed and faded in and out of sleep, catching bits of radio plays, comedies, stories.... you get the picture. At one point, I think I stroked my Nintendog, Marvin, a Dalmation puppy!!

I got up at about midday and tidied up in the kitchen. I sorted out lots of rubbish between discard and recycle....

Feeling that I've saved a little corner of the planet made me feel content enough to sit down and watch a few hours of the Mighty Boosh (another Christmas gift). A joyous viewing experience, apart from the bit where I nodded off a couple of times and had to keep rewinding it, and subsequently watched the same five minute loop about six or seven times.

Irony: Paying an accountant, a princely sum of one hundred and thirty pounds to find out that my taxes due, amount to seventy pence!!
Fallout boy.

Well, it seems that the worst that my abscessed tooth could throw at me, is now part of history. The pain has subsided, and there is no longer a requirement to be shovelling bulk quantities of mix-n-match painkilling tablets.

What I am now left with is a two part abscess.... A deflated, watery outer part, with a rock hard poison core in the centre.

The flavour of this particular phase of toxic shock is none too pleasant.... it's like having had both lips exposed to the vacuum of space and then they've been mixed with something metallic and electrical... I taste like electricity!! What is that all that about?

But it doesn't hurt now, it just feels like there's an annoying grain of sand in my mouth, which has steadily worked its magic and caused a constant nagging annoyance. and it tastes like electricity.

Having played a seven hour solid stint at cricket today, I promise to get out tomorrow and get some fresh air.... honestly, guv!!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Mending.

The first signs of recovery from illness for me are when:

I manage to drag my sorry arse off the sofa and into a bath that won't interfere with a raging feverish temperature.

When I decide I REALLY need a shave.

When I realise just how hungry I really am.

When I can muster the enthusiasm to invite a friend (who is bunking off work) over to my house to invest some time and energy into learning how to play cricket on a playstation.

When the thought of missing out on taking a painkiller is seems like more of a good step than it seems to be a silly risk.

When the stack of bills and paperwork that has fallen through my letterbox in the feverish few days begin to actually matter, and require some attention.

And so it is, that all these events have coincided in a display of syzygy, and I think I might live.

I am gonna get myself something to eat, and stuff my face silly!! Thanks to everyone who stopped by and left messages of support or sympathy or advice.... appreciated when you're suffering, it really is.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Please sir....

I want some more!!

More?

You got it Mr. Bumble, my good man... more, and what's more, I'd like to supersize it, and get a frikking drink with it too.

More of the same.

That's what you get.

The pain is subsiding quite nicely now, but the swelling.... oh, the swelling!!

I know I should have the offending teeth removed in order to avoid repeat outbreaks, but the thought of having to have false teeth, and of spending so much time/money at a bloody dentist's is really not one I would choose lightly.

Note to Hodgy..... Bloody hell, for all these years I thought I was missing out on something, and then you go and spoil it all by pointing out that: Not only have I seen Zarch on the Archimedes before.... I've bloody well played it.... it was called "Virus" on the Atari ST, and I still have a copy of it somewhere!!

A day of video gaming... of stormy weather.... of keeping warm.... of painkilling drudgery.....

Monday, January 07, 2008

Marlon Brando.

Well, I can honestly say, in my worst case scenario, hinted at yesterday, I don't deserve a prize for the accuracy of my predictions. My peridontal abscess is wreaking havoc.

I've spent the last twenty four hours in a state of feverish clock watching. Painkiller countdown.

I've been taking sleep where it has presented itself, and this is usually about an hour in the middle of each tablet.

The swelling has come out now, and my chin and lower jaw are causing the skin on my face to tighten up. Throbbing veins and nerves in my face, creating a nuclear reaction, combined with the toxic build up, sending my temperature soaring like a very much unwelcome eagle.

Every abscess I have ever had has taken this same course to a lesser or greater extent. I know I will live, but at four thirty AM with an hour and a half until the next painkiller, you sometimes begin to wonder.

I've turned the corner now, and although it's still sore, and I am struggling to hold a conversation, I think I might get a decent night's sleep tonight. I am even contemplating cooking something to eat...... Risky.

Thank the lord for my Nintendo DS Lite, and a whole bunch of Christmas gifted DVDs.... something to focus on really helps.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

This season....

I arrr been mostly writhing about in agony at the mercy of my peridontal abscess(es).

It started yesterday, and has gradually increased in pain and swelling, to the point today where I have been out and stocked up on Cuprofen, Cocodamol, and clove oil.

I now have a freezer full of ice, and a series of alarms that tell me when I am allowed another painkiller. I learnt the hard way when I had the same problem a few years ago, that unless you track your dosages, it's very easy to doze off and forget how many you've taken or when you can take more. I remember counting down the minutes in the very small, feverish hours of the morning.

Such a shame, because the pain today, has pretty much discoloured what had otherwise been a perfect weekend.

I haven't done this for a while, so here are the Sunday searches:

chartbuster board game (Google)
My all-time favourite boardgame. I was introduced to this gem, by an old friend that I grew up with called Gareth. Gareth and Ruth (brother and sister) were deeply woven into my childhood. Ruth was with me when I got run over and it was their neighbour who ran me over, for one example. Anyhow, Gareth bequeathed me his copy of this seventies hip and swinging record chart based game. I, naturally, used and abused the game, and subsequently had to pay over a hundred quid for a replacement a couple of years ago. I was sad to find that the earlier version (which I bought) didn't have the goofy Tony Blackburn endorsement, with his cheesy mug staring out from the game box.

ZARCH archimede download (Google)
Hodgy: "Wevz, have you seen Zarch on the Archimedes?"
Wevz: "Have I F**K!!"

22 foot arctic fox (Google)
What the hell? If there is such a thing, you don't want to go searching for it.... run, dammit, run!

photographs pole moor (Google)
Ok, don't make me do this. Look here:
Here are some of mine.
Here are everyone else's.

"shop dropper", (Google)
I was alerted to the practice of "shop dropping" a few years ago. Rather than try to explain the concept of reverse shoplifting, you can read about it here.

MIRFIELD WEST YORKSHIRE HOME MAID PORN (Google)
Now, I'm interested in this VERY specific search term. I also like the exclusive use of capital letters, as if the searcher were shouting it at Google. So, it's a cleaning lady in Mirfield, that supplements her income through the making of skin flicks.... or it's a generic request (albeit incorrectly spelt as well) for any amateur rude footage which was shot in Mirfield? Either way, I expect it to be a bit grim, but if you ever find it, come back and share.

foxes biscuits mahjongg (Google)
I fail to see the connection.

cow poem huddersfield (Google)
There was a cow of Huddersfield,
Who said that her milk would not yield,
Unless she had her udders feeled!!

will an electric fence kill a mouse (Google)
Depends on a few factors:
What is the current flowing through the electric fence?
Can the mouse reach the electric fence?
Is the mouse that can reach a sufficiently charged electric fence wearing any rubber soled footwear?
Answer those questions, and I will gladly provide further information.

arctic porn (Google)
Chilly Willy?

Friday, January 04, 2008

Damn and blast.

Y'all should know by now that I watch far more Big Brother and subsidiary spin-off shows than is healthy for a person of my age and disposition.

You all may or may not know that, traditionally, January has seen the start of Celebrity Big Brother.

Some of you may even remember the furore that surrounded last year's Celebrity Big Brother and its racist undercurrent, fuelled by Jade Goody, Jo O'Meara, and the disgustingly vacuous Danielle Lloyd, against equally annoying, but undeservedly picked on, Shilpa shetty.

Some of you might even be amazed that all this happened just a year ago!!

Well, after it was (probably wisely) decided that the format of Celebrity Big Brother had run its course, it was duly canned, and resurrected in the format of: Big Brother Celebrity Hijack.

The new series started yesterday, on a non-terrestrial channel, so you need some form of digital equipment to view it, and this in itself is a sign that the show's popularity is waning.

I decided to dip my toes and see what the new format offers....

It was a brief dip, and I don't think it will be repeated.

A bunch of "talented" youth have been put in a house together... it's one step up from the "teen" Big Brother which was so dull, it was never even given much more than a cursory airing, and only because it was the first (English) Big Brother that actually led to housemates having sex.

I don't know about you, but when it comes to putting dancers and circus performers into Big Brother, and not one of them is over twenty-one years of age, then I reckon I for one am decidedly outside the target demographic.

I hope they enjoy teaching each other their dance moves and stretching exercises!!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Staying alive.

Well, if you've managed to survive the New Year's festivities, which in my case was a pub with a decidedly dodgy Caribbean theme (complete with inflatable fruits and spuriously attired pirate wench barmaids!!)......

If you managed to survive the dried out overcooked turkey remnants (and any nasty bacteria that might have had chance to develop in it) from your Christmas dinner over the week following its initial incineration.....

Have you managed to avoid catching the flu and chest infections that have swept through the country?

Did you fall foul of the norovirus and subsequently spend two days, with liquids magically materialising from either end with a will of their own, looking for the nearest toilet ?

Did you go shopping in the sales and suffer road rage, shop rage, starvation at the hands of the overcrowded shopping mall food courts, death by queueing!!??

Did you wake up this morning and find that you could not get to work because of the snow? Did you get stranded in some North Yorkshire village with your traction control working overtime?

Well.....

If you've managed to avoid all, or even some of the above, and have made it out of the other side of the festive season with your sanity and health intact, then you deserve a medal. I can only imagine you are the only person in your office who is still fit to be at work, and you're swinging from the light fittings and going decidedly "Lord of the Flies" while nobody else could make it in to work.

Be warned: A new threat is looming... oh, wait, it's not a new threat at all, but the BBC have come up with a new catchy name for an old threat, and as such, it's made it back to the top of the agenda......

Cue Scottish family, playing on their Playstation and eating deep fried Mars Bars!! Obesity is now apparently a global problem... and experts are now calling it Globesity!!

No news is good news they say!!