Saturday, June 30, 2007

The things.....

The things you do for a quiet life.

Ok, so trying to keep something a secret by writing about it in my blog, was not the best brainwave I have had this week.

Realising that to placate Kirsty, I would have to go on another bike ride last evening, was also not the smartest thing I have come up with this week.

The saddle soreness that is plaguing me today is not something I would lightly wish on an enemy.

I feel like I have been jolly well rogered.

Standing...... in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil.

I glance around.

There's shopping on the table. Bags of sweet things, salty thing, greasy things and anything that's considered bad. Of course, this is my cigarette substitute and I don't feel too bad about it now I am back on my bike.

I take a cup from the cupboard. The cupboard door feels strange. The hinges are probably on their last legs, and I am reminded how owning a house seems to be a never ending string of minor annoyances like this.

Standing by the kettle waiting for it to boil.

Outside the window, I notice a baby bluetit and a baby robin eating the bird food that I have supplied for them. Fledgelings. I am pleased with myself for supporting the breeding and indeed survival rate of these feathered friends.

Subconsciously I've managed to eat half a bag of Jelly Babies while the kettle boiled. I'm annoyed that these tasty treats contain boiled cow bones.

My lungs will be good but I would make a bad diabetic.

Coffee in hand, back to the computer.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Shush.

Don't tell Kirsty.....

I've been back on my bike!!

Since I stopping smoking, I have been wanting to get back on the old push-iron. It's about a year since I was last on it, and that makes me a bit sad.

There was a little bit of maintenance to do, and there's still a frayed gear cable that needs replacing, but I've done it, I've been out there.

I have a little circuit that starts with a bit of a hill climb, and then cuts across the moors and a quarry, before planting me firmly back on a downhill road stretch to my house.

I notched up 30mph as I reached my little village today... very pleasant.

I rode it yesterday, and again today. Apart from the customary saddle-soreness, I actually felt a lot better doing it today than I did yesterday.

I promised Kirsty that I would take her out for a bike ride, but the weather has been so foul.... So don't tell her that I have been without her.

I think I will have a ride down to the bike shop tomorrow and get the gear cable sorted.

A few miles today........ From tiny acorns and all that bollocks!!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Pogo.

I have a problem, and the first part of curing it is to admit to it.

I am a Pogo addict.

Moreover, I am a complete and utter badge whore.

Even as I type this blog with my left hand, my right hand is arranging cards in a game of "Rainy Day Spider Solitaire" trying to earn my "Itsy Bitsy Spider" badge for a personal challenge.

I can only imagine that maybe one in a hundred people who might read the above paragraph is not scratching their head in dumbfounded response. Those that know, will instinctively know what I mean.

My free internet big brother link is buggered. The result of its buggery is that I now have to occasionally leave my bedroom, my laptop and pogo, to go downstairs and watch a snippet or two of the live big brother feed. Grrrrrr.

Happy anniversary to me. Last night was in fact my fourteen week anniversary of stopping smoking. I tend to mention this at various milestones, but today I mention it for the following reason:

Emma has stopped smoking!!

If you can all press your hand on your monitor and send some positive vibes and healing power in Emma's direction, I know she will appreciate it.

As for the nicotine lozenges.......

Yes, indigestion was a side effect.

Yes, the worst case of flatulence ever imaginable was an added bonus.

Yes, it did last for quite a while.

On the bright side, the downsides will make you want to wean yourself off them at the first opportunity.

I managed to take nine of the four mg lozenges per day for six weeks, then I just stopped altogether.

Stay with them, learn to love them. I found they made my throat a bit sore, but eventually came to associate that sensation with the idea that I was getting my fix. In the end, I loved the sensation in the same way that you might have once loved smoking a cigarette. Coming off the lozenges was the easiest thing to do in the end, and I know I didn't follow the guidelines...... I only did half a course.

Try to keep a record of when you had your last cigarette, and how long it has been since then.

Don't be afraid to know that if you want a cigarette you can have one. I have had cigarettes in the house ever since I stopped and haven't wanted one once. Knowing I can have one if I want one makes it easier for me.

Here's me giving advice..... Ignore all advice and do whatever helps you through it.

You have all the support right here.... Good luck, and well done for making a start.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Aftermath.

Seems half of Yorkshire is clearing up today.

We have had more than our fair share of rain over the last couple of days.

Some parts of Yorkshire have managed a month's rain in twenty-four hours.

For me, it hasn't been much worse than a cartload of ash tree pieces strewn about the lawn.

I'm quite fortunate to live on the top of a very large range of hills.

Not so the residents of Ulley in South Yorkshire, where the threat of a compromised dam has resulted in them being evacuated.

I won't harp on about individual cases like that.... have a look for yourself.

Amateur pictures.

Official report.

......

In other news, I wanted to mention a small concern of mine.

When I was a child, the tooth fairy was worth anything from five pence to twenty pence per tooth.

These days, the tooth fairy is paying out a whopping one pound per tooth.

By my calculations, the tooth fairy industry in Britain is currently worth a whopping twenty million pounds a year to our toothless shareholders.

Would it not make more sense to reward children who manage to keep their teeth embedded in their skulls?

Monday, June 25, 2007

Justified.

Today is not a day for going out of doors.

Normally, at the end of the day, I would feel guilty about sitting at my computer all day when I should have been out and about doing something useful, like DIY for instance.

Today I will feel no guilt about being wrapped up cosy in my bedroom.

It's raining.

The rain streams down the windows, working like old fashioned glass filled with imperfections.

Ash tree branches festoon my rain sodden lawn.

I climb back into bed and paw over the remainder of the Sunday papers. Yesterday's news isn't today's chip paper in this house.

Just in case anyone was remotely interested in watching Big Brother you can watch it here for free - I used a link I found and it didn't work until I clicked the Big Brother link on the page.... try it and see?

Big Brother free live streaming.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Hello.

10 Start writing blog.
20 Delete blog entry.
30 goto 10

Whilst awaiting another bout of misguided inspiration, I make cheese on toast.

One large coffee, two slices of cheese on toast, three coconut mushrooms, two pontefract cakes, one werthers butter mint and a large lump of cheddar later..... breakfast is served.

I sit at the computer and rue the number of times I have begun today's blog entry. This is possibly my fifth attempt.

The birds are singing outside, and through the closed curtains I can hear voices. Life at the crown green bowling club in Outlane is beginning.

Sunday morning and cotton wool behind my eyes.

I get hangovers very easily, and although not severe, it's annoying. A three pint hangover. I don't deserve to come from the north.

(insert time gap - Making Dawn some breakfast; Taking the dog for a walk; reading the Sunday papers; Snooze; Tidying the house; Late lunch; Some big brother)

Cue Sunday evening.

I am sitting at the computer in my tidy bedroom.

My tummy is full from a late lunch of fish, broad beans, asparagus and new potatoes.

All is well with the world.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Trivial....

.... in the extreme.

All this technology. All the money that's been spent. The wealth of information at our fingertips. I trawl the web and bring you some of its finer aspects.

First - Did you know Popeye actually had four identical nephews? Neither did I!! Believe it or not, they were called Peepeye, Pupeye, Poopeye and Pipeye. This is what they look like!!



Secondly. I thought I had a misspent youth. I always figured I played too many video games and neglected my studies. I could have been a better person. I could have been a world leader.

Then, I discovered a bunch of people who seemingly have misspent a greater proportion of their youth than I could even imagine.

Here is just one of them!! (Stick with the video.... the second half of it shows just how amazing his footwork is)

Friday, June 22, 2007

A simple....

..... blog entry, that explains to anyone who might wish to know how to check the search strings that led people to your blogs.

a) Go to Blogpatrol.
b) Sign up for a free account.
c) Put the Blogpatrol widget on your page (mine is down there on the right hand side somewhere).
d) Login to Blogpatrol and click "View Stats Reports" - "View All Statistics".
e) Scroll down to the "Top 10 Keywords" section.
f) Just beneath the "Top 10 Keywords" blue banner is a link to "View All" - Click it!!
g) Marvel at the wealth of information available at the click of a mouse.
h) Thank the Arctic Fox for all his efforts.
i) Realise that there is nothing in the search report because you only just signed up to the service but rest assured that it will soon fill up.

Worst blog entry ever!!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Following on......

and leading ahead.

It's a cheap shot, I know, but I really love the strange search strings that lead people to my blog.

So much so, that by simply repeating those strange search strings, I can perpetuate them infinitely.

I know it doesn't make for "good blogging" and it's not quite like reading about someone's personal dilemmas, but you have to agree that some of these strings make you curious!!

what happens if you crunch nicotine lozenges (Google)
I can only imagine that someone who recently gave up smoking was finding that the "hit" from nicotine lozenges was just not enough.

Jenni Falconer smoking (Google)
Good fetish action.

left to my own devices today (Google)
I wouldn't have it any other way.

do people nice things to the arctic fox? (Google)
I don't get it... Are you telling us "to do nice things to Arctic Foxes" or asking us if we do?

baby Arctic foxes for sale (Google)
Where?? Where??

greg wallace veg guru (Google)
Yes, he is, but you won't find him here!! Try the BBC website.

"Garden News" Magazine "top tray" (Google)
I wrote about this yesterday, but it's a wicked search. The "top tray" is a term used in fruit and veg competitions - It's a collection of all your finest produce displayed, imaginatively, on a tray.

bubbling bowels (Google)
Sorry I couldn't offer much comfort. Try laying down with a hot water bottle on your tummy.

what can the arctic fox not do very well (Google)
The list is endless.

cow poem udders huddersfield (Google)
Brilliant. I wrote this poem down a few days ago and already it's appearing.

what does the arctic fox eat and stuff (Google)
I know what he eats, but I don't know what he stuffs!!

room to write about the Arctic Foxes (Google)
There's always room to write about an arctic fox, even if it's just a little bit of space at the bottom of that page you are writing on, or a beermat, or even etched into a single grain of rice. Perhaps someone wanted to rent a room where they could write about arctic foxes?? Well, I have a spare, contact me for rates.

piers morgan (Google)
Hahaha I am proud to be the centre of information on Piers Morgan.

"jimmy saville" animated gif (Google)
I laughed so hard I blew snot bubbles when I considered that there might be a Jimmy Saville animated gif out there somewhere. I hope it doesn't involve young girls too.

the was a cow from huddersfield (Google)
Oh, that Huddersfield cow. A gem. A literary gem, I tells ya.

Slut Susie in Blackpool (Google)
slut suzie blackpool (Google)
slutsuzie blackpool (Google)
Her website, like Suzie, is well and truly shagged. Blackpool hooker with some unsavoury twists that would turn the air blue. Perhaps that explains her popularity?

who are "pinch" and "punch" publicity (Google)
Good question.

And so it goes on.

I have managed to mention young girls, a slut, Jenni Falconer, Jimmy Saville, and Piers Morgan, all in one blog entry.

I pity the poor bugger that finds this page based on those criteria!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Sorry.

I have to apologise to a few people who have recently found my site, and not found what they were specifically looking for. The following is a list of random search terms which landed people on my blog. Hopefully they will all now find what they were looking for.

"how to break poison sword red steel" - Well actually, it was quite easy when I worked it out. The first thing you have to do is dodge - Press C on the nunchuk and left or right on the nunchuk joystick (together) while the crazy ninja takes a swing at you (he kind of makes a little noise just as he is making his move). Once you've successfully dodged his attack, swing the nunchuk about like crazy and you should give his sword a good whack. In practice, I did this twice and it broke the poison sword. Killing him after that was a whole different heap of bother.

"3d pictures of arctic fox" - Try here.

"Lyrics, Draw your brakes, Scotty" - Yes, I know, the lyrics for this song can't be found anywhere on the internet, and I've written about this before. Still, if anyone does find it, come back and tell me.

"arctic fox eating something" - Well, there are lots of pages with images of arctic foxes eating. The search term "arctic fox feeding" produce better results, and on this page there's one eating a snow goose.

"garden news magazine top tray" - Try here!!

"esprino-group" - Don't even go there, it's a Nigerian Prince scam.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Good news.....

Bernard Manning is dead!!

Bad news....

Jim Davidson and Chubby Brown aren't.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Corgi horribilis.

Cast your minds back.... back.... back..... you are feeling sleepy.... wait, that's the wrong sketch.

Cast your minds back to January the 20th.

What were you doing? No, I don't know either.

What was Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh doing?

Well, if you are sitting comfortably, then I will begin......

He was shooting peasants at Sandringham... Oh, did I say peasants? I meant pheasants, but I am sure he wouldn't be bothered which of the two he fired at.

During this pleasant little country pursuit, the party of eight's enjoyment was positively ruined, when a fox ran out from beneath a minion's Doc Martened foot.

The shout went up "Fox, fox" and nobody could have argued with the astute level of animal recognition. Then, somebody's gun went off, and someone else's too.... a few shots were fired (presumably so you couldn't pin it on any one of them - like murder on the orient express) and the fox fell wounded.

Poor old uncle fox.... he lay there wounded for a while until one of the minions promptly stepped forward and coshed it with a flagpole.

Hoorah!!

The fun recommenced and those bloody peasants didn't know what was hitting them.

Five minutes later, it was all over and the minion returned to the fox, stamped on it, dragged it twenty yards, finally throwing it into a hedge.

They don't call them beaters for no good reason.

Well, as a kindred spirit, I am appalled at this sort of behaviour. I thank the woodwose that someone cares enough to stand up to it.

Enter Mark McGowan (performance artist, vegetarian, and animal rights activist).

Live on radio, he ate a corgi. The queen's favourite dog. He bloody well ate one.

If you were ever going to forsake your vegetarian principles, then this is the way to do it in style.

Mark was reported to say that it tasted "disgusting".

(for anyone interested - the corgi died at a breeding farm, and was minced with apples and onion)

I will stick with slugs.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Day three.

It's official. The monsoon season has claimed the market town of Barnsley. A crack team of police divers has been sent in, armed with free snorkels for everyone, and Barnsley has been widely acclaimed as being the Venice of the north.

All hail the new waterworld.

June, and it's been raining non-stop for three days now. I tried to fashion an ark, in order to escape the rising water, but armed with three empty plastic milk bottles and some duck tape.... well, let's just say I never watched Blue Peter, but I now have a milk bottle mobile hanging above my bed. It's pretty but I doubt it will save many lives.

I have turned the central heating on. Madness..... sheer and utter madness.

I can live with the cold.... I can live with the rain...... It's the bloody dankness that gets to me. There's no real daylight, it's grey and miserable, and very very dull. It is indeed grim up north.

Lately I have been made to imagine what life would be like without thumbs. I think I will elaborate on this tomorrow.

Slugs?? Eating them??? Preserved in salt????

So, I set about trying to find out if any of this were true. Do people eat slugs? What recipes are available? How do you cook them? What if they've been eating poisonous plants??

Anyroad, despite my pescetarian tendencies, and the fact that I will get called a bunny hugger, killing slugs does not cause me any emotional turmoil.

Cooking pot in hand, I venture out into the garden.

You know what? Slugs don't actually taste of much, and if you marinade them in vinegar (as opposed to salt - you silly Yorkshire Pudding) then the slime comes away quite easily.

So, armed with the concept that I can now eat anything that might trouble me...... I have feasted upon: Slug broth; Roland rat stew; Steven the squirrel enchiladas, and Gerry the gas meter reader fricassee.

Tune in tomorrow for an exciting thumb experiment.

One, two, three, four, I wish my thumb wasn't quite so sore.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Random.

A random day. A random blog.

Fresh water accounts for only three percent of all the water on the planet.

Twenty percent of the fresh water is held within the oldest and deepest lake on the planet - Lake Baikal - Four hundred miles long and fifty miles wide.

Go figure that out.

The other eighty percent of earth's fresh water is in Huddersfield. It's been steadily falling out of the sky and onto my head for the last two days.

It's June and for the most part that means it's monsoon season in Yorkshire.

Every year at this time, the country's entire population of slugs and snails hop aboard a steam engine bound for Howarth. Upon arrival, they catch a fleet of connecting buses, and subsequently distribute themselves evenly amongst the gardens of Yorkshire.

For some strange reason, this year, they got it wrong and all ended up in MY garden.

Bugger.

I would like to take this opportunity to say - Welcome back to my old friend KJ, who, after an eighteen month blogging hiatus has returned. Hooray!!

I would also like to express my frustration at being stuck on some bloody stupid bit of Red Steel where I have to break this crazy ass ninja's poison sword, before I can start to even fight him fairly. I growl!!

Today being Thursday, I can only eat food beginning with the letter "P". I had pasta for lunch, pickled eggs and pecorino with pumpernickel for tea, and for supper I am having porkless pie.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Feeling old.

A strange illness indeed has descended upon my fevered brow.

For about a week now I have been mildly ill..... just ill enough for it to be annoying. Nothing debilitating or anything you understand, just weirdly off colour.

From the stomach gripes, through to the aches and pains in my bones. From headache to toothache. Acid scorched intestines and bubbling bowels.

It's just making me feel old. Is this really what I have to look forward to? I bloody hope not! Still, looking back to when I was in my early twenties, I would have guaranteed at that point that I would not be here today to write a blog.

Youthful nihilism is wonderful, but like a failed kamikaze pilot living in endless shame, the rewards of my over zealous days of consumptiveness are coming home to roost, like naughty pigeons.

Or maybe it's just a virus, a bug, a passing phase..... I have everything crossed, and a cupboard full of Zantac.

So where have I been? Why haven't I been blogging?? What's been so important that I have not had a few minutes to say hello?

Nothing..... Well lots of things, but probably nothing that the majority of you would be remotely interested in.....

Big Brother - I am gradually swaddling myself in the warm summer duvet of Big Brotherly love. I know you don't want to read about Big Brother here, but I like to state my case: The twins - I am loving them. They are the only housemates I have ever seen who have truly gone in there simply to enjoy and embrace the experience. I am disappointed that Lesley walked. I quite like Gerry, and although it's early days, I am starting to dislike Seany. There, that didn't hurt did it? Watching Big Brother isn't the end..... I must also watch all the companion shows - Big Mouth, On The Couch, Little Brother, Diary Room Uncut....... It takes time and dedication to be this big a geek.

Nintendo time - OK, so I bought a Nintendo Wii...... I completed the fishing game, and now I am settling down to play Red Steel - It's actually not a bad game. The controls take some getting used to, and I spend a lot of time spinning round either looking at the roof or the floor, but I am getting there. Cooking Mama is a good fun game, if a little limited in its longevity. Ten pin bowling will always be a classic.

Deadliest Catch - Its a TV show about a bunch of guys who fish the Bering Sea for crab. I love it. The new series has been great so far.

The F Word - I used to hate Gordon Ramsay, but I am now starting to actually like him. I think he has a natural talent with food, that makes it all look so easy. His choice to make that talent aggressive and loud mouthed has probably earned him more money than the talent alone, but I don't hold that against him. I also know Gordon will feel so much better knowing that's how I think.....

Celebrity Masterchef - I love the cooking shows. Don't ask me why. I am not a big fan of John Torode, but Greg Wallace is a good guy from Radio 4's very own Veg Talk. We're down to the final four contestants of this light hearted version of the much meatier Masterchef Goes Large.

Age of Empires - I am STILL playing it. I swear on my own life that this game has to be the best value game I have ever owned. There's no start, no end, and it just keeps going. I love it to pieces, and have played every incarnation. They've even announced plans for a new expansion pack - WooT!

Britain's Got Talent - Ant and Dec (my two least favourite presenters) host a talent search across the British Isles, to find an act that will be performing at the Royal Variety Performance. The three judges of this show are: Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden, and Simon Cowell - All three would feature in my top ten of who not to watch on TV - It's a recipe for a completely crap show, but I find myself actually enjoying it. From the Rapping Granny, to the Michael Jackson dancing monkey puppet act.

Hustle - OK, it's some light-hearted stuff about a bunch of grifters pulling cons against some unscrupulous "marks". The way the "marks" set themselves up for their falls is the weakest thing about the show, but the plots of the scams are worth a look. I originally was recording it for my Unc, but I am hooked now.

OK, it's clear I am becoming a telly addict. I am sorry. It's a much better habit than the smoking though. Three months have elapsed since I quit and here's my stats:

Days Smoke free: 85
Cigs not smoked: 3400
Cash saved: 893 GBP (1760 USD; 1890 CAD; 71665 INR)

Only 18 more days until Britain goes no-smoking - I for one am looking forward to it. A year ago, the concept would have scared the living bejeezus out of me, but look at me now Ma', I'm dancing, I'm dancing!!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Bugger it.

I am getting myself sucked into a Big Brother blog, and also into a war of semantics on behalf of a broadcasting company.

There's no easy way out of this for me now.....

I pull the Big Brother covers over my head and hope it goes away.

I am not too well today.

Approximately seven AM and a Nokia tune is clawing at my eyelids. Regardless, my optics remain firmly shuttered.

I can only imagine that the snooze button was engaged before my medulla oblongata was grabbed by a vibrating phone beneath the pillow.

Still, my eyes remain fettered.

Drifting in through an open window, a delirious cacophony of sparrows, blackbirds, wood pigeons, and starlings.

Sensations begin to arrive.

Tightness in my chest. Stomach churning. Internal organs jarring. Limbs aching.

Perhaps it's flu?

Worse still.... it could be man flu??

I roll out of bed and groan and growl as my eyes finally open.

Lemsip - It actually tastes nice, so I must be poorly.

Spent the day rolling about my lounge, wrapped in a quilt which has now seemingly separated itself into the four corners of the quilt cover.

I'm grumpy and miserable...... Nothing new then.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Idle Idol.

Big Brother speedy reaction results in our first unlucky contestant having been shown the door for using racist language.

I use the term "unlucky" in its loosest sense, you understand.

This is Emily...... 19 year old drama student.... White, with rich parents, who have pretty much cushioned the girl throughout her short existence.

She dislikes: People who tell white lies, are ignorant or deliberately stupid.

Here's part of a transcript which resulted in her expulsion:

Emily: (referring to Charley dancing/pushing her hips forward) You pushing it out you nigger.
Nicky: (shocked laughter) Em, I can't believe you said that.
Charley: You are in trouble.
Emily: Don't make a big thing out of it then. I was joking.

I think the definition of ignorance and deliberate stupidity is to call a black person a nigger as a joke on national television. I think it goes slightly beyond ignorance and stupidity when Channel 4 are still reeling from the last racist episode a few months ago.

Agree? Disagree?? Don't care????

Now...... Who was saying that all publicity is good publicity???

That's one car I won't be buying.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Huddersfield.

There was a cow from Huddersfield,
Who said that her milk would not yield,
Unless she had her udders feeled.

Not exactly a great advert for Huddersfield, but there it is.

Speaking of adverts, it would take a special sort of person to pass up the opportunity of pointing out:

Skoda recently made an advert for one of their cars, the Skoda Fabia.

Reputedly, the advert cost a cool half a million pounds to make. That's nearly a million US dollars!!

You gotta see the advert to believe it I guess, but basically, they make a car out of cake. Yes, plain old cake.

The disturbing aspects of this cake car, are:

The cost of the advert was equivalent to about the purchase price of sixty of their cars!

As glorious as the car looks in the finished item, it was deemed unfit for human consumption and ended up on a compost heap.

Now, I like to see a good advert as well as the next guy, but you sometimes have to wonder if there wouldn't be a more efficient use of time, money, and resources.

Does a car made out of cake really sell more cars?

Is it money well spent??

If I buy a Skoda Fabia, am I just buying a small slice of this very expensive cake?

With all the technology available to us, would it have made a difference if the cake car was actually a real cake?

I wonder.............

Well, for what it's worth, you can see the ad here...... Just don't buy the car, OK? Deal??

Friday, June 01, 2007

Angry kid.

Woke up, bleary eyed.

Within ten minutes of waking up, my day's tranquility was broken.

In my house there is an unwritten rule. Well there are several unwritten rules, but one which comes into play each and every first day of every month.

Pinch and a punch for the first of the month.

You are allowed to pinch and punch someone today. You cannot pinch and punch once you have been pinched and punched.

I lost. Again!! Now I have to wait a whole month to get the chance for revenge.

Follow up my humiliation with the most brazen piece of televisual misrepresentation ever (and no I am not talking about Big Brother for a change) and you've got one grumpy fox on your hands.

The news. It's a simple thing. There are even channels now which show nothing BUT news. You switch on the news and you fairly well know what to expect. It's usually a collection of stories from around the world about what is happening. It rarely makes you feel good to be alive.

So, I always choose the BBC news. I always watch on BBC1 because you get local bulletins every half hour or so. The BBC news is generally of a better quality than the other news channels, and of course there are no adverts....... Or are there???

This morning's coming up stories.......

Will Bradley and Stacey ever get back together? - A bloody Eastenders expose, complete with interview with an associated actor!!

Serious Andes - A pierced teenager joins the news crew on the couch to discuss what it was like to climb part of the Andes for a BBC television programme.

Any dream will do - The latest from a BBC programme where Graham Norton and Andrew Lloyd Webber grace our living rooms with their tireless search for a new Joseph. Starring Graham Norton as Jesus and Andrew Lloyd Webber as God.

I am left cursing.... this isn't bloody news. This is advertising. I pay my licence fee so I don't have to watch adverts. Outrageous.

Then, just as we are settling back down to some news.....

It's June the first. We have one month (exactly) left in this country, before a total no smoking blanket settles itself over all our public places. I never thought I would say it, but I am quite looking forward to it.

Coupled with the fact that there is a new "stop smoking" drug available on prescription, which allegedly triples the chances of success.

So the BBC, in all its wisdom gathers three smokers, and promises to follow them in their quest to stop smoking. At this point my ears prick up, and I await the item with baited breath that no longer smells like an ashtray.

Meet our smokers - Between the three of them, they actually smoke less than I did. One of them smokes one cigarette a day, and only if they go out to a bar. Is this really the best you can do BBC? Absolutely insulting. It's going to be a riveting series of news items watching these people busting their balls with managing to stop.

I think I will watch GMTV in future, even if it means I would have to endure Jenni Falconer. Yes, she does actually spell it with an "i" instead of a "y" and I bet when she signs it, she uses a massive circle to dot the "i".

Grrrrrrr