Monday, May 14, 2007


A war zone stretches in front of me. Burning rubble, scattered debris, and a sense of horror that can only be experienced at first hand.

I begin by trying to reach the sanctuary of the sofa, but am thwarted by the mountain of dismembered crisp bags and sweet wrappers.

Beaten back to the kitchen, I manage to put rearrange the washing up, so it appears that far fewer plates and knives are lying wounded requiring medevac.

Biscuit boxes, cereal packs, and a mountain of unanswered correspondence (and more importantly, unattended bills) festoon my sideboards, providing cover for the coffee spills and crumbs.

I decide it's a safer bet to dig in, and wait until it's all over.

I grab the laptop, and trip over the discarded pile of clothing and towels outside the bathroom, steady myself, and head back to the kitchen.

Where to start?

Paperwork..... I am gradually shredding it all. I have devised a system. It's quite simple really. First pass, flick through the box of papers, separating keepers from shredders. Second pass, through the pile of keepers...... Do I really need it?? More shredders. Third pass, close your eyes and shred the keepers pile AND the shredding pile, denying all knowledge.... I never had to sign for any of it, therefore I never saw it... Did someone say Enron?

Washing up.... Put away the stuff that was washed up a few days ago, and is now dry. Everything else needs to soak!! Bowl of water, leave for three days, or until you need something in the bowl.

Find something else to do.... Hence the laptop and the blog!!

Makes a change from "wind in the willows" eh Toad?


  1. Aye, man. I have the same problem,, myself, I do. Soak the skin in a bowl of slime so it stays waterproof, all the while having to keep an eye on the spawn while the wife is away doin' the shopping.

    It's not all bad, being a toad, though. Don't have paperwork to attend to, well there's no point, really, it would get all soggy like, what with the pond water and all that.

    Anyway, can't stop here chatting all day 'cause the spawn are starting to get restless and need rounding up for feeding time. If I lose any of the little buggers the wife won't half give me what for. You don't ever want to get a tongue lashing from an angry female toad, that's for sure.

  2. I think you could do with a Swedish au pair to help you with the housework and provide other personal services. Maybe she'd be called Ingrid and maybe she'd say "Mr Foxy - I hev been a finished de voshing up now I vont de bedding if you please! C'mon mista upsa daisy up them staircase!"